As far as celebrity arrests for whacking off in a porn theater go, we can proudly proclaim that this generation's Pee-Wee Herman has finally arrived! Fred Willard, that guy who has appeared in several Christopher Guest movies, Anchorman, Everybody Loves Raymond, and various guest spots on TV shows including Tim & Eric, Modern Family, and The Boondocks (and the one thing he probably won't be invited back to do, voiceover work for Old Navy) was caught red-handed in a Los Angeles adult movie theater by police doing a "random walk-through." I have a question: What do police think people normally do with their penises in porn theaters on a typical Wednesday night, and do taxpayers really need to be paying for them to check? The public demands an answer.
While Mr. Willard sorts out his legal problems and the world laughs, let's compare whacking off in a porn theater to other 100 percent normal activities that probably wouldn't warrant a "random walk-through" by the police (but maybe they should).
First, I'd like to imagine the conversation that happens in the police department of any major metropolitan area concerning the possibility of lewd behavior taking place inside of an establishment that shows porn.
Important Law Enforcement Official: "Listen up, everyone. There's a lot of cleaning up to do out there -- people being robbed, raped, assaulted, killed, even. But we've been getting a lot of complaints from exactly one person who is sick of seeing grown men leave a theater showing nudey pics looking too damn happy. That's why I'm ordering random walk-throughs of these joints, making sure that all these smiling men who are spending their hard-earned cash to watch people have sex on-screen in public don't act on their most natural instincts, whip their penises out in the dark confines of the theater, and rub one out. They should be doing that for free in the comfort of their own homes. I'm tired of the injustice, and everyone else is tired of seeing that dopey look on their faces while the city burns. It makes me sick. Now, move out!"
It's just speculation.
And now, an unordered list of things that are just as natural as a grown man masturbating to porn that also happen in public places:
- Birds defecating on cars
- Dogs humping park benches
- Looking at things
- Nose blowing
- Clouds floating through the sky
And now, an unordered list of normal human behavior that is not against the law and should be:
- Parents being dicks to their crying children and ruining aforementioned children for life as well as everyone else's day
- Food service employees handling consumable goods immediately after handling money
- Death threats over Batman movie reviews
- Being a dick to people
- Being an asshole to people
- Being unsanitary
- Saying the phrase "kids will be kids" as it applies to kids being assholes (see above: being an asshole to people)
I'd say "consuming bad entertainment" based on every woman in my town gushing over Fifty Shades of Grey, but at least they're reading.
In any case, Fred Willard is not hosting a children's show like Pee-Wee was when he got caught, so I think it's safe to say that this will not be the end of his career. In fact, this makes his career even more hilarious than it was before. He's Fred Willard, and he was watching porn at the Tiki Theatre at 8:45 PM on a Wednesday night.
Unless he was being loud, which is awkward and inconsiderate, but still not illegal.
When she isn't nerding out that the holidays are coming, Jamie is a reader at Monday Night Fan Fiction at Fontana's in Chinatown, NYC (next date: TBA, 7:00 PM). All work is original, written by the readers, so if you have a brilliant fanfic idea stuck in your head, send it via Twitter: @jamielikesthis