Stick-up kid foiled by beer-throwing store manager

An English stick-up artist was foiled in his attempt to rob a cornershop by a manager who flung 12-packs of lager at the crim until he fled the premises. There's an important RPG lesson here about the shortcomings of melee weapons when your adversary has a ranged weapon.

Don't Bring a Knife to a Beer Fight

I write books. My latest is a YA science fiction novel called Homeland (it's the sequel to Little Brother). More books: Rapture of the Nerds (a novel, with Charlie Stross); With a Little Help (short stories); and The Great Big Beautiful Tomorrow (novella and nonfic). I speak all over the place and I tweet and tumble, too.

MORE: booze • crime • Funny • uk • videos

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hymenopterid

That’s what you get for robbing Donkey Kong.
- Chuck
  
  Could be the premise for a new game in that franchise.
  
  Donkey Kong: Mario’s Secret Past
Kevin P. Sullivan

Doesn’t know his own history….Agincourt
- noah django
  
  huh. that’s what I love about this place. never know what you might learn. at first I thought you were likening the beer to the superiority of the english longbow, but then, this: “Alcohol Harm Reduction has been a national theme since at least 1066. when the English army was drunk before the Battle of Hastings, which it lost, but had run out of beer before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, which it won. Today the total cost of alcohol-related harm in England and Wales has been estimated at £55.1bn a year.” http://webcache.googleusercontent.com/search?q=cache:1l8EQ9fqF3cJ:services.salford.gov.uk/solar_documents/CBNT270710A5B.DOC+&cd=3&hl=en&ct=clnk&gl=us&client=firefox-a
  
  I wonder if this assault will be factored into the “total cost of alcohol-related harm in England”? because that would be awesome.
http://www.cruft-private-janitorial.com/ Michael Johnson

Guinness – a very stout drink.
xian

I hope he was throwing the cheap stuff, otherwise it might have been better to let that dude have the till money.
- mobobo
  
  looked like Carling Black Label (going by the packaging) - not only cheap it tastes like crap too.
  - http://www.youtube.com/user/PipLagenta Pip_R_Lagenta
    
    So… it gets hurled a lot, then.
  - Grey Eyed Man of Destiny
    
    take that back. now.
    - Daneel
      
      Seriously? Nobody over the age of 15 likes that shit, do they? It’s worse than Fosters.
      I never realized it’s actually a Canadian lager until I took a trip to Calgary.
      - Grey Eyed Man of Destiny
        
        the can actually says “carling canada – product of the usa” But yeah, its one of my favorite cheap beers. Alternating between PBR and black label keeps the senses awake.
        
        And I’m a bit biased from my time at Oberlin, where it has a bit of a cult following. But goddamn, it blows the pants off of Fosters, and is much cheaper.
  - digi_owl
    
    Explains why there was a stack of it near the till.
- KaiBeezy
  
  pretty sure that’s Strongbow beer he’s throwing
  srsly!
  - Gilbert Wham
    
    Wrongbow = Cider. It’s also horrible piss-water.
    - BombBlastLightingWaltz
      
      Aye, it supplies a fast headache from its sugar content.
      
      http://www.headacheexpert.co.uk/headachesandbloodsugar.html
      
      Having one or two may not induce. More then that, for sure.
    - http://www.nathanhornby.com/ Nathan Hornby
      
      It’s only ‘cider’ in the same way that White Lightening is cider. i.e. not really at all.
      - dragonfrog
        
        I’ve only ever heard of white lightning in the sense of unaged corn whiskey. Is there a cider-like beverage by that name too?
      - http://www.nathanhornby.com/ Nathan Hornby
        
        @dragonfrog:disqus
        
        Well it used to be called cider anyway. I haven’t really looked at a bottle since I was 15. It’s clear and tastes like a softdrink of some kind. Drunk exclusively by children and homeless people.
        
        http://theuklibertarian.com/wp-content/uploads/white-lightning.jpg
fuzzyfuzzyfungus

Wow. The perp actually looks like he just walked straight out of Central Casting’s chav archetype storage bunker…
- http://www.nathanhornby.com/ Nathan Hornby
  
  The thing with chavs is that there are no stereotypes. To be a chav you must be a chav, therefore you’re a chav. If you don’t fit the archetype, then you’re not a chav.
  - http://hgomersall.wordpress.com/ heng
    
    Right, being a chav is not a statement about class, but about culture.
    - http://www.nathanhornby.com/ Nathan Hornby
      
      Exactly. I think a lot of the non-brits around here are missing that crucial piece of information.
http://www.facebook.com/people/Jim-Kelly/692448753 Jim Kelly

Brad Hamilton: GET OFF MY CASE, MOTHERF**KER!

Jeff Spicoli: All right, Hamilton!
Alistair Muldal

This confirms my belief that Carling is a beer that’s probably best used as a blunt weapon
GuyInMilwaukee

stick-up “artist”?
Maybe with a government grant he can form that into something useful for the kinetic art fair.
- http://thisisonlya.blogspot.com robcat2075
  
  It’s kind of like porn “star”
saint_al

After 9/11, on 9/14, I was aboard a TWA flight (delayed) and the pilot told us: (paraphrased)- “If you see ANYONE demonstrating the behavior you heard about on the news, start throwing loose objects at them. Shoes, laptops, ice cubes, anything loose and I will steer this aircraft to the nearest airport and have them deal with it.” There was a huge round of applause and cheering; the pilot’s remarks were sincere since TWA’s future was unclear due to an impending sale.
RJ

What, no crossbow behind the counter? Not even a sword and buckler? Damn, England, get it together.
Stonewalker

Good thing the robber wasn’t actually willing to hurt anybody…
- http://www.nathanhornby.com/ Nathan Hornby
  
  I dunno about that. Chavs don’t have normal human emotions and seem to really enjoy a spot of stabbing.
  - Charles Céleste Hutchins
    
    Your classism is so charming
    - http://www.nathanhornby.com/ Nathan Hornby
      
      Give me a break. I’m assuming that you’re not from the UK?
      
      Chavs are not a class of people, in the same way that football hooligans aren’t a class of people.
      - Antinous / Moderator
        
        Chavs are not a class of people…
        
        A lot of social scientists would disagree with you, and there’s been a great deal of discussion about the implications of using chav as a slur.
      - http://www.nathanhornby.com/ Nathan Hornby
        
        Really? Citation? (I’m not being snarky, I’d be interested to see)
        
        Considering that many chavs are quite proud to be referred to as chavs I can’t imagine it’s a particular problematic term – it’s like calling a jock a jock. I’m still intrigued as to how they could be considered a class when what primarily defines them is their behaviour and what they wear (not that what they wear makes them bad people, but it’s part of the package).
        
        As I say, if chavs are a class of people then so are football hooligans – so I’m struggling to get this perspective.
Bodhipaksa

The numpty probably came back ten minutes later to see if he could buy the dinged cans of beer at half price.
humanresource

Alcohol: the cause and cure of all life’s problems.
-Homer Simpson.
https://launchpad.net/~zak-mckracken Zak McKracken

Good thing the store was stuffed with cameras, otherwise you wouldn’t be able to see everyone’s face except the robber’s …
(and wouldn’t have this video, which is cool, but was that the reason?)
- dragonfrog
  
  Given the amount of time spent showing the blond lady entering the shop, I was expecting some sort of twist ending where the nice lady with the friendly-seeming demeanour pulls a knife when the clerk’s back is turned…
http://www.facebook.com/nicki.kruszka Nicki Kruszka

I misread the headline as “bear-throwing store manager”. That would have made for an interesting defense strategy.
- digi_owl
  
  Teddy, brown, black, grizzly or polar? And yep, i read the same on first pass.
  - Antinous / Moderator
    
    Teddy, brown, black, grizzly or polar?
    
    You and I must be looking at different nature pictorials.
    - digi_owl
      
      clearly i failed my “tell joke” roll.
JoshP

i think the manager was applying the halfling racial bonus for beer chucking.
- digi_owl
  
  You sure that’s not chugging? Or is that dwarven?
LogrusZed

Tthat’s why I always rob as a Kender. The hoopak is a versatile weapon.
pjcamp

Good thing it wasn’t high gravity. Somebody might have gotten hurt.
oasisob1

I think the manager seriously limited himself. You don’t throw a bag full of stones, you throw each stone individually.
- BombBlastLightingWaltz
  
  Many bags of stones were available, plus the greater mass of said sacks. Probably part of a preconceived defence plan, when something like this happens. He is no runt either. When he runs out of cases of beer, he would simply pick up a display stand and heave. Store manager SMASH!
- toyg
  
  You forget reloading times. Some of those cans are damn hard to unpack.
TacoChuck

In light of this incident, they really need to rethink having the ‘behind the counter area’ open directly to the front door of the place.

Seems to put the person working the counter at uneeded risk.
- BombBlastLightingWaltz
  
  True, but if there was a type of barrier, the target area around the door area would have greater coverage from the barrage of incoming beers.
BombBlastLightingWaltz

There was a burglary at my dad’s place of work back in the early 70′s at an audio recording studio. Blood was all over a broken window and on the floor inside, with foot prints leading away to steal equipment. So a few years ago I mentioned this in passing conversion and this one elderly bloke pips up laughing, “Did they find the blood was 90% cow and 10% human?” and he split his gut chuckling.
jhertzli

I’m reminded of “The Tiddlywink Warriors” by Poul Anderson and Gordon Dickson in which beer bottles are the weapons that win a battle.
CTG

The beer… WAS THE BEER HURT?!?
Henry Pootel

He probably was yelling, “BEER BOTTLE BEER BOTTLE BEER BOTTLE!” as he threw it.
bumblebeeeeeee

it is racist to say he is English unless he identifies himself that way. Otherwise he is British.
- Purplecat
  
  That makes absolutely no sense. According to the links, this happened in Essex, in the south of England. Describing this idiot as English is perfectly valid, in exactly the same way as you’d talk about the English rioters of last year.
  - Antinous / Moderator
    
    There are English criminals?!? According to the Daily Mail, all crime in the UK is committed by people from Eastern Europe. Preferably on expired visas. And benefits. Surely they can’t be making things up. That would overturn my whole worldview.
  - bumblebeeeeeee
    
    English is not a nationality. Since the 18th century: people are British and they live in the United Kingdom.
    - Antinous / Moderator
      
      English is not a nationality.
      
      On the assumption that nobody could possibly be that ill-informed, I’m going to tell you to stop trolling now.
    - mobobo
      
      easy does it old chap you’ll start an engaging debate with this fine English fellow…
      
      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kjuNuqIev8M
      I love how the interviewer says “Thanks very much” so enthusiastically at the end – he knows it’s absolute gold.
- http://www.nathanhornby.com/ Nathan Hornby
  
  Say what?
Colin Curry

I’m not a convenience store robber, but who the fuck jogs into the place they are sticking up?
BlackPanda

Video seems to have been taken down.
- Felton / Moderator
  
  It’s still working for me.
RembrandtQEinstein

Updated link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q_a4ed626U0
http://twitter.com/gkiltzVA Glen Kiltz

It’s only merchandise. Highly replaceable the Manager’s not.
miasm

The irony of this situation is that the the perp was, in fact, demanding he be supplied with beer.