NSFPOTS: the pornophone of yesteryear

This undated ad for the Erotica, a pornographic land-line telephone, was supposed to make its owner feel like Hef every time he (or she) clamped a badly rendered, unwieldy sculpture of a naked woman to his (or her) head. I think it probably underperformed relative to the promises made in the ad, and yet it represents a fascinating glimpse into a theory of action as embodied by an optimistic manufacturer in days of yore.

Vintage Ads After Dark....

I write books. My latest is a YA science fiction novel called Homeland (it's the sequel to Little Brother). More books: Rapture of the Nerds (a novel, with Charlie Stross); With a Little Help (short stories); and The Great Big Beautiful Tomorrow (novella and nonfic). I speak all over the place and I tweet and tumble, too.

MORE: ads • Gadgets • Old school • phones • Sex

More at Boing Boing

Eurovision 2013: An American in London

The technology that links taxonomy and Star Trek

http://www.twitter.com/eselqueso eselqueso

Saul Goodman should have one of these on his desk.
http://www.facebook.com/toshfieldsend Tosh Fieldsend

would have been better if it was called aural sex.
HOTDAMN

All of my want.
http://www.youtube.com/user/Freethinkersanon Christopher

The Erotica Phone: perfect for the man who wants an object instead of a relationship.
- Snig
  
  I think in some ways it helps the species, it warns women not to mate with the guy who has one.
- vrey_oneida
  
  So, PUAs and MRAs?
  - http://www.creaturesoflight.com dagfooyo
    
    Magnetic Resonance Angiograms?
    - Snig
      
      And Poly Unsaturated Aldehydes?
    - http://devojane.blogspot.com devophill
      
      Pick-Up Artists and Men’s Rights Advocates.
chellberty

Carpet dose not match the drapes. no thanks i love natural redheads for my phones.
- Box of Cotton Swabs
  
  Carpet is discreetly covered by a leaf, so you can still place your order!
- http://twitter.com/InnerPartisan Sebastian Spinczyk
  
  Hate to ruin your joke by my pedantery, but: The “carpet” quite often isn’t a match for the “drapes” (wink wink, nudge nudge), regardless of hair, I mean drape, colour. In fact, matching “carpets” are very, very rare; not only for redheads but also for blondes.
  - Donald Petersen
    
    It matches on my redhaired missus quite beautifully…
    
    Oh! Hi, Dear. Just, er, catching up on some work-related emails. No, nothing newsworthy on BoingBoing today. Just some disgraced pastor wanking a stick in front of his congregation.
  - Gary61
    
    what about a chemo patient who like her private bits bald as well? No drapes ……
    - copperwatt
      
      “She had a hardwood floor, if you know what I mean…”
Mike Baker

“Oh, uh, hi mom… uh, can you hold while I switch phones?”
blueelm

That is the funniest picture I have seen all day.
Gilbert Wham

Sex Panther Phone: 60% of the time, it works every time…
http://www.disoriented.net/ angusm

There’s a business opportunity for anyone who wants to make a portable version that you can put your smartphone into. Just think how slick and smooth you’ll look as you pull a naked woman from your jacket pocket and start talking …
- http://www.youtube.com/user/Freethinkersanon Christopher
  
  I’m sure someone’s already designed a smartphone cover like that. There’s a reason they call them “skins” after all.
http://grumer.org/ Avram Grumer

Looks like something from the 1980s. I think the typeface is ITC Benguiat, so no earlier than 1978.
- Finnagain
  
  Do you mean “font”?
  - http://www.twitter.com/eselqueso eselqueso
    
    The typeface is called ITC Benguiat, the fonts are the different sizes, weights and styles, e.g. italic 10 pt., or bold 18pt. etc. This distinction was much more delineated with type for presses, and has become muddied with the advent of personal computers.
- Donald Petersen
  
  Not much later than ’78. I’ve seen many ads using this style and typography in late-70s issues of Playboy and nowhere else.
  
  I mean, tucked in between the thought-provoking articles and commentary.
  - SomeGuyNamedMark
    
    It has the same layout as many computer ads from the same period. Same colors, same shaded background and text positioning.
  - L_Mariachi
    
    That they accept “Visa” rather than “Bankamericard” does indicate that it’s after 1975.
    - Donald Petersen
      
      Was it that long ago? Man, I still remember the switchover years when they called it BankAmericard/Visa. And the other one was still MasterCharge.
      
      Too young to remember anyone using Diner’s Club, however.
      - http://www.gyrofrog.com/ Gyrofrog
        
        I remember seeing signs for it, at least. Also for Carte Blanche.
http://twitter.com/InnerPartisan Sebastian Spinczyk

The glaring misogyny aside: This phone is an object of such monumental, glorious ugliness it’s simply *awesome*; the very distillation of bad taste. John Waters would propably cream his pants by just looking at it.
http://profile.yahoo.com/O6VRZ6GG47OZ75PVHWCYMXLBQ4 bobo obobo

Keypad on the base… Imagine the fun of navigating customer service menus on this thing. Sorry… I mean… BOOBIES!
http://twitter.com/digitalArtform Joseph Francis

I have one, but it only calls Xaviera Hollander.
http://avarana.blogspot.com MarlboroTestMonkey7

I would have never thought Carl Sagan would endorse those.
SomeGuyNamedMark

It makes you feel like you are talking to a girl’s knees!

Guaranteed to make people feel extremely uncomfortable in your home.
- Brainspore
  
  Guaranteed to make people feel extremely uncomfortable in your home.
  
  …or office! Order now!
http://www.facebook.com/people/Scott-Contreras-Koterbay/100000181841911 Scott Contreras-Koterbay

Kinda like the Calendar and Contacts program on a Mac?
Gary61

What if James Bond had used one of these to all the villainess in Octopussy?
Would the universe have disappeared?
voiceinthedistance

This phone is the gold standard for making calls to 976 pay per minute phone sex numbers. Do they even still exist, for those whose old habits die hard (pun intended).
Brainspore

What, no rotary dial?? How is a guy supposed to practice his cunnilingus skills?
Preston Sturges

Back when you ordered something by clipping off the corner of the magazine page and putting it in an envelope……
http://www.aldenbates.com/ Alden

It doesn’t mention what ringtone it has. I mean, it basically has to be a soundclip of someone orgasming, just to make it perfectly tacky.
Donald Petersen

Somewhere in the world, somebody’s about to visit BoingBoing and discover one of the least-dignified gigs their Granddad had in his catalog-model days.
http://latentraveningferocity.blogspot.com/ latent_ravening_ferocity

Kind of reminds me of “Omaha the Cat Dancer:”
Gilbert Wham

‘Aaaaand, the World’s Most Embarrassing Murder Weapon, Blunt Instrument category goes to…’
Chentzilla

What’s NSFPOTS?
- L_Mariachi
  
  A portmanteau of the acronyms for Not Safe For Work and Plain Old Telephone Service.
http://twitter.com/scottmarshall Scott Marshall

Pretty sure one of those is featured in an episode of Canadian Pickers, where they visit a few small antique shops here in the Maritimes.