NSFPOTS: the pornophone of yesteryear

This undated ad for the Erotica, a pornographic land-line telephone, was supposed to make its owner feel like Hef every time he (or she) clamped a badly rendered, unwieldy sculpture of a naked woman to his (or her) head. I think it probably underperformed relative to the promises made in the ad, and yet it represents a fascinating glimpse into a theory of action as embodied by an optimistic manufacturer in days of yore.

Vintage Ads After Dark....


    1.  Hate to ruin your joke by my pedantery, but: The “carpet” quite often isn’t a match for the “drapes” (wink wink, nudge nudge), regardless of hair, I mean drape, colour. In fact, matching “carpets” are very, very rare; not only for redheads but also for blondes.

      1. It matches on my redhaired missus quite beautifully…

        Oh!  Hi, Dear.  Just, er, catching up on some work-related emails.  No, nothing newsworthy on BoingBoing today.  Just some disgraced pastor wanking a stick in front of his congregation.

  1. There’s a business opportunity for anyone who wants to make a portable version that you can put your smartphone into. Just think how slick and smooth you’ll look as you pull a naked woman from your jacket pocket and start talking …

      1. The typeface is called ITC Benguiat, the fonts are the different sizes, weights and styles, e.g. italic 10 pt., or bold 18pt. etc. This distinction was much more delineated with type for presses, and has become muddied with the advent of personal computers.

    1. Not much later than ’78.  I’ve seen many ads using this style and typography in late-70s issues of Playboy and nowhere else.

      I mean, tucked in between the thought-provoking articles and commentary.

      1.  It has the same layout as many computer ads from the same period.  Same colors, same shaded background and text positioning.

      2. That they accept “Visa” rather than “Bankamericard” does indicate that it’s after 1975.

        1. Was it that long ago?  Man, I still remember the switchover years when they called it BankAmericard/Visa.  And the other one was still MasterCharge.

          Too young to remember anyone using Diner’s Club, however.

  2. The glaring misogyny aside: This phone is an object of such monumental, glorious ugliness it’s simply *awesome*; the very distillation of bad taste. John Waters would propably cream his pants by just looking at it.

  3. It makes you feel like you are talking to a girl’s knees!

    Guaranteed to make people feel extremely uncomfortable in your home.

  4. What if James Bond had used one of these to all the villainess in Octopussy? 
    Would the universe have disappeared?

  5. This phone is the gold standard for making calls to 976 pay per minute phone sex numbers. Do they even still exist, for those whose old habits die hard (pun intended).

  6. Back when you ordered something by clipping off the corner of the magazine  page and putting it in an envelope……

  7. It doesn’t mention what  ringtone it has. I mean, it basically has to be a soundclip of someone orgasming, just to make it perfectly tacky.

  8. Somewhere in the world, somebody’s about to visit BoingBoing and discover one of the least-dignified gigs their Granddad had in his catalog-model days.

  9. ‘Aaaaand, the World’s Most Embarrassing Murder Weapon, Blunt Instrument category goes to…’

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