The best quotes from Heathers that perfectly describe Bravo's planned reboot of Heathers

News broke today that Bravo was headed into scripted television territory, and that's the positive news. (Holding out on calling it "good news" until I see the actual shows.) But then there was this: a reboot of the movie Heathers. As you can imagine, the blogosphere (at least the writers who are Heathers fans) was not thrilled about this news. But fortunately, the movie itself has provided a whole slew of reactions for us! Let's take a look at a bunch of quotes from the movie that can now be reissued as pre-reviews of this very dumb reboot idea. The best part is that we don't even need context from the plot!

The Hollywood Reporter says that the reboot will actually be more of a sequel, focusing on Veronica (Winona Ryder's character, who will probably not be played by Ryder, so this is already a bad idea) returning to Sherwood 20 years after the events of the movie with a teenage daughter. That daughter must now contend with not Heathers, but Ashleys. I think we can rule this out as "shower-nozzle masturbation material," but here is a list of more fitting phrases, starting with the most obvious:

"Did you have a brain tumor for breakfast?"

"What's the up-chuck factor on that?"

"Well, fuck me gently with a chainsaw."

"This isn't just a spoke in my menstrual cycle."

"I got paid in puke."

The original movie, speaking to the reboot: "You were nothing before you met me. You were playing Barbies with Betty Finn. You were a Bluebird. You were a Brownie. You were a Girl Scout Cookie."

Similarly: "You're a rebel? You think you're a rebel? You're not a rebel you're fucking psychotic!"

Addressed to Bravo, for jumping on the reboot train: "If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you?"

For those resigned to this thing happening: "I like it. It's got that what-a-cruel-world-let's-toss-ourselves-in-the-abyss type ambience."

This quote, Mad libs edition: "Your society nods its head at any horror the American [television industry] can think to bring upon itself."

Also: "[Bravo], why are you pulling my dick?"

And: "What is your damage, [Bravo]?"

But the best quote from Heathers to serve as a reaction to a reboot of Heathers: "Gross."

I don't like to assume that all reboots are automatically bad. I don't think they're necessary, and I think they're a sign of a serious lack/fear of originality. But if something ends up being at least a good movie, I can't be that upset about it. This, on the other hand, should not be allowed to happen. This, in my opinion, is up there with Akira as far as bad remakes go. But at least the Akira remake is defunct (for the moment).

Quotes found at IMDb.

Bravo Developing 'Heathers' Reboot, 4 More Scripted Dramas (Exclusive) [The Hollywood Reporter]

• [Abel Undercity]

  “There are no stupid questions.”

  “Should we do a Heathers reboot?”

  “Wow, that’s the stupidest question I’ve ever heard. “

• [Comrade7]

  Doesn’t relate to the reboot but my favorite was always “I love my dead gay son!”

  When I was 15, I thought it was so clever that the two best friends were referencing Betty/Veronica and Tom Sawyer/Huckleberry Finn.  I guess I still do.

  • [Avram Grumer]

    I’d noticed that their first names were Veronica and Betty, but I’d missed the last names. 

  • [noah django]

     http://www.bottledwaterweb.com/upload/members/41_0.jpg

• [Jellodyne]

  OK, now I’m looking forward to the Pump Up the Volume series on MTV2.

  • [Christopher]

    I don’t know whether to laugh or scream “Quit giving them ideas!”

    • [Kevin Hitch]

       Cry, because that’s a better idea than anything out of MTV networks in the last decade or two.

• [absimiliard]

  Wow, I can’t believe someone would reboot this.  Don’t get me wrong, Heather’s might well be the favorite movie for my wife and I.  The cynical, brilliant, dialog has colored our communications down through the years.  There is to this day very little I can ask that sounds like “Why do I do this thing?” that she won’t respond to with “Because you’re an idiot”.

  But just wow.

  -abs can’t believe that no one at Bravo thought “Hey, maybe making a movie about a serial murderer in school isn’t such a great idea.”, after all, does anyone really believe this movie would’ve been made/shown in a post-Columbine world, REALLY?

• [carolin shining]

  Ditto — “It’s one thing to want someone out of your life, but it’s another thing to serve them a wake-up cup full of Liquid Drano. Yeah, rebooting a show about a deranged teenager who wants to blow up his school — no one will be offended or outraged by that one

  • [Boundegar]

    The outrage is a carefully planned part of the marketing.  That’s not obvious?

  • [Quiche de Resistance]

    “It’s like eating a spoonful of Drano; sure, it’ll clean you out, but it’ll leave you hollow inside.”
    Oops sorry wrong movie

• [carolin shining]

   Where is my red scrunchie?

• [wendyjoy]

  I LOVED MY DEAD GAY SON!

• [Reverend Loki]

  “Eskimo”

• [Dan Baker]

  I think I heard there was an Alf movie and/or reboot on the way. I still need to see Heathers, though. I heard the original screenplay writer talking on a panel once, funny guy. I wonder what he thinks of this.

  Anyway, I had to laugh at this because we just posted something similar on our blog this morning: http://macedoniafilms.com/economics-and-remaking-the-classics/ Hopefully this remake frenzy dies down soon.

  • [K-9]

     I can accept this if and only if an Alf/Heathers crossover is in the offing.

    • [Maneki Nico]

      “I’d buy that for a dollar!”

    • [Dan Baker]

      Ha!

• [CliffordS]

  Save your speeches for Malcolm X.

• [Jaime Natoli]

  How very.

• [Jamie Donovan]

  Don’t forget – “You want to fuck with the eagles (Bravo), you have to learn to fly.”

• [johndavidstutts]

  Pants, who needs pants when she’s in the house!

• [niktemadur]

  I’ve lived in Dallas, Vegas, Baton Rouge, Sherwood Ohio, there’s always been a Snappy Snack Shack to pop a ham-and-cheese into the microwave or feast on a Turbo Dog.  Keeps me sane.

  May have missed a couple of details on the quote, but close enough from memory.

• [Buddy Bradley]

  Hey Bravo, sit and spin!  [flips the bird]

• [garyg2]

  I don’t think ‘serial killer in a school’ will necessarily damn it, TV always reflects/references real life events (suicide bombers in BSG or Homeland for example)

  I think it’s more the fact that it was kind of a trail blazer, maybe the first inkling of generation x in the mainstream? (help me out here cultural historians :))

  So a reboot is pretty irrelevant, we’ve had over twenty years of tv influenced by Heathers and it’s themes, what else can it add?

• [dethbird]

  who the hell keeps hiring nostalgic, talentless hacks?? … oh yea other talentless hacks

• [Radiodiffusion Internasionaal]

  I have a sudden urge for pâté…

• [jeligula]

  And here I am, completely out of Ichlugge bullets.

• [Steven Kreuch]

  Eskimo.

• [My Ocean]

  Great pate, mom, but I gotta motor if I wanna be ready to avoid watching on Bravo.

• [Quiche de Resistance]

  Lick it up, boingers.  Lick.  It. Up.

• [Lemoutan]

  Yes but will it be done in modern dress?

• [Miss Demeanor]

  Call me when the shuttle lands

• [cramerica]

  Heather Duke: Bravo. Brav-o.

• [Preston Sturges]

  This is one of those movies that introduce to a your teen and say “This is story with a moral – don’t have sex with the cue serial killer!”

• [Preston Sturges]

  “Teenage suicide – Don’t do it!”

  http://youtu.be/i-w1GeH8KPU