What are Jay-Z's 99 problems?

Last December, Brandon Scott Gorrell compiled a notional list of Jay-Z's storied 99 problems. It seems pretty plausible to me:

52. Confusion regarding how frequent one should use Q-tips to remove earwax, due to information he read that stated, more or less, that Q-tips were damaging because earwax had specific, important functions to ear health and bodily orientation and that the removal of earwax simply stimulated the production of more earwax, rendering Q-tip usage asinine.

53. PayPal terms of service and customer service equally horrible and difficult to understand.

54. Still unable to defeat final boss on Nintendo’s Super Mario Bros. 3.

55. Quickly disintegrating upkeep of dental hygiene due to feelings of meaningless and apathy.

56. Navel lint.

57. Confusion regarding the moist towelettes vs. dry toilet paper debates via recently hearing moist towelettes were for some reason bad.

58. Trouble discerning which types of socks are in fashion.

A Speculative List Of Jay-Z’s 99 Problems (via JWZ)


  1. Does he not understand that you must make Bowser keep jumping up and landing on the bridge, smashing the blocks beneath him and eventually creating a hole that leads to his certain doom?  Still the best Mario game ever, and perhaps an instinctive wish on his part that the game should never be finished.

    1. I half expected them to go for a surprise twist revealing that “a bitch” comprises no less than seven of Jay-Z’s problems.

  2. I doubt #54. World 8, with its rolling tank, super-fast airship, and malevolent sun, was really difficult, maybe the hardest thing we’d ever seen in Mario before. But the final boss of Super Mario Bros 3 was kind of easy. Just get out of the way when he slams down on you.

    This is what I call 90% nerd humor– it tries real hard, and gets it almost right… but just not quite. :)

    1. I’ve clocked Mario 2, Mario 3, Super Mario World, Mario 64, Mario Galaxy, Mario Galaxy 2 and a fair few other Mario games over the years. However, ever since I was little every single bloody time I made it to the final Bowser in the original Super Mario Brothers my heart would beat like crazy and I’d just jump right into him. 

      Perhaps Kanye has a similar problem. 

Comments are closed.