[Video Link] Have you ever wondered what J.R. "Bob" Dobbs smokes in his pipe? It's the dried flower petals of the Habafropzipulops plant! (Street parlance: 'frop.) 'Frop is not a drug, and as little as 100 microdobbs is needed to achieve desired results.
From SubGenius pamphlet #2:
Like to smoke a little of what's in "BOB's" Pipe? Membership in the Church as an ordained SubGenius Minister makes you eligible to be on the waiting list for VAST SHIPMENTS of the LEGAL IMMORTALITY HERB, HABAFROPZIPULOPS (or "FROP" for short) -- the mind-inverting flower which grows only by moonlight on the graves and droppings of dead Tibetan holymen and fullblood Yetis. 'FROP is not only safer than your cheap Conspiracy street drugs -- it's PERMANENT, TOO. No more "coming down!" No matter how much 'Frop you ingest, YOU CAN NEVER AGAIN GET LESS HIGH. Interested?
And Everything2 describes 'frop thusly:
Habafropzipulops is not merely safe, but beneficial -- nay, even necessary -- to bodily health. We encourage our children to partake of it copiously, to their little heart's abundant desires.
As a legally ordained SubGenius Minister, I consider it my duty to enjoy Habafropzipulops around the clock. (I even set my alarm to awaken me in the middle of the night so I don't cheat myself out of a dose.)
But I have difficulty enjoying my sacrament in peace, because my apartment complex is filthy with pinks and glorps who have the loach's phone number on speed-dial so they can have me busted at the fist whiff of 'frop. (Even though the Supreme Court declared the use of sacramental 'frop to be well within the bounds of the religious freedoms provided by the Constitution, 'frop users are still harassed by hired thugs of the treasonous cage dwellers and assouls who inexplicably control the planet.)
But I have found a way to enjoy 'frop without alerting the sniffing simians next door. It's a bit of alien technology called the Ploom Pax. Although it was designed for tobacco (Ayn Rand's third favorite mind-altering drug of abuse) I found it to be ideal for vaporizing the 23 pharmacologically-active compounds found in 'frop. Sleek and free of greebling, the Pax looks like it might have been designed by Jonny Ives. An internal lithium battery heats the 'frop to a temperature high enough to release the active ingredients but not enough to cause the 'frop to combust. So there's no smoke and much less telltale odor.
To turn the device on, you merely pull out the retractable mouthpiece. An LED indicator light makes it easy for even the most spaced-out 'frophead to figure out the heating status and battery status of the unit. When the battery loses its charge, you simply drop the unit on the included charger.
Eventually the pink boys will catch on to the Pax and try it out with weed, but I have no idea if it works with Conspiracy street drugs. I'm sticking with 'frop.
Tyrone Slothrop is a retired US Army lieutenant who served in WWII.