Topless dungeon master sought

A Craigslist poster is looking for a woman to dungeon-master a D&D game/bachelor party. DM must be familiar with D&D 3.0 or 3.5, and topless. C-cup or greater preferred. "There will be 5 'guys' that will be participation (sic) including myself. We are at all above the age of 24. Each of us are gentlemen and will treat the Dungeon Master with the utmost of respect."


      1. I’ve already heard of two female gamers on G+ that they’d be willing to do it (and at least one of them lives in the neighbourhood), but one of them has cup size B, and the other has no experience as a DM.

        But with this kind of broad exposure, it would surprise me if they wouldn’t find a suitable DM that meets their criteria.

    1.  Seeing as they didn’t put a weight restriction with that “C-cup” requirement, it very well might be.

      1. Wait, because fat girls are so much more eager to take their clothes off and get leered at by misogynistic creeps?

        1. Waaaay to take that in a bizarre direction.

          If you aren’t requiring a 15 inch waist to go with C+ cups then your pool of potential applicants is still pretty large (in that women with large breasts but otherwise low body fat are much rarer than women with large breasts and no other restrictions).

          I don’t see breast size or body type particularly factoring into the “willingness to be leered at” factor, but if you have a population that’s say, 50x the size, you’ve got better odds to find someone who’s a) a GM b) an exhibitionist.

          I’ll tell you what, just because I am a fat girl doesn’t mean I need to feel body-shamed either. I have some pretty spectacular breasts because I’m fat, but personally I think they’re better displayed with some support than topless.

          1. Am I the only one that’s assuming they aren’t expecting a “regular” DM to answer the ad, rather an escort/stripper who played D&D?

          2.  D&D attracts pendandic dorks and rules lawyers. It doesn’t say “escort/stripper only” therefore that’s not one of the prerequisites for the Topless GM Prestige Class ;)

          3. The way it’s phrased suggests they’re really looking for DMing skill, not stripping skill. I don’t think there are many professional stripper-DMs, so they’re going to get an amateur no matter what.

          4. I think you may have misunderstood my comment. I was not saying that “fat” girls are more likely to be exhibitionists. I was not body-shaming anyone. I was criticizing nettdata’s comment for apparently implying those things. I agree that he comment could be interpreted in other ways, and I apologize to nettdata if that is not what s/he meant.

        2. actually I’m pretty sure he was saying they would fill more volume, therefore their queues would be longer for the same [s]amount[/s] numerical quantity

      2. The funny thing about “cup” measurements, about which I suspect non-bra wearers are unaware, is that they are completely relative to the “chest” measurement (which is really more a ribcage under the boobs measurement).  For example, a person with a small ribcage, say 30, might require a D cup — but in a 34 would only rate a B. 

        Although I will go out on a limb and suggest that the gamers in this ad probably lack any real hands-on experience in this area, and mean “c-cup” as in “has boobs capable of visible movement”

        1. According to every makeover show that I’ve ever seen, American women inevitably buy their bras with the chest size too large and the cup size too small, leading to poor support.

  1. Is my skepticism concerning the likelihood that somebody describable as a  ‘gentleman’ would post such an ad an atypical reaction? 

    1.  There is no champagne in the champagne room, and there are no gentlemen in the gentlemen’s club.

  2.  I think it’s a way cooler idea than just hiring one or more strippers.  If they find someone “qualified” to fill the “position”, I bet they’re going to have lots of fun.  They should film the “auditions” and share them on youtube.

    Except…  trying to imagine the whole thing, I’m getting flashbacks of a particular IT Crowd episode, and for some reason, I’m not turned on anymore.

      1. I admit that today brought me something interesting to put in my cognitive box, the “love-entitled”. 

  3. “BOOBIES!!! No no… I mean, we are gentlemen, do this all the time. Ahem.”

    Yeah… level 23 awkwardness.

  4. This would be much cooler if they were playing 1e… I mean, really, 3rd edition??? What self-respecting woman would DM a 3e game?

    1. I’ve been GMing 3.5, 3rd E, AND Pathfinder for years now.  Also dabble in a bit of DC Universe, Shadowrun, and I throw down for a good game of Munchkin.  No self-respecting woman runs 4th E.  Get it straight.

    1. aite…
      I cast level 7 eroticism… aite

      Can it be blood ninja has surfaced again?!

      1. I just noticed that it’s in my neck of the woods.

        Who knows, maybe one of their friends did this last year and it went over so well that now whoever caught the garter is having it.

    1. Now I think about it… there are quite a few geek porn stars out there.

      Doubt this party could afford them, though.

    1. Actually, all of the people I played D&D with in my younger days are married (except for one, who is an IT manager, has a hundred people working for him and makes megabucks — hardly a loser).  Of the ones who are married, several own their own companies and all of them own homes, have kids and lead either middle class or upper class lives.  If anything, playing D&D is an indication of being successful, not of being a loser..

      1. Uh-Oh! Sarcasm Acknowledgement 3.2 has encountered a random error and must be shut down. Error No. 4XXEEE736.  

        Would you like you like to restart Sarcasm Acknowledgement 3.2?

        Yes – No

        Click here to access your error log.

  5. This comment thread says alot about… Well, alot of things. I’m a pretty hot gamer, and while I’ve never DM’d, I’d give it a shot. And I look good topless, y’all. The other women that I’ve played with look just about equally good (a little variances here and there) and some of them actually have DM experience.

    The ideas posited here (that female gamers are fat and unattractive, or that male gamers can’t look at boobs without being boobs) are pretty sexist, yo.

    1. Word.

      I like the cut of your jib, pardner.

      Anyway, I’m not much of a gamer now, but I’ve met plenty of hot gamers, male and female, and some of these hot gamers were on the chunky side. Wicked in bed too ;) 

      1.  I’d be inclined to go with $100/hr simply because this is more than sitting looking attractive – I’d also have to have mad GM skillzor yo.

        I’m someone else who (if in the area) might actually take the job – but as mentioned up thread I think my breasts look better with some support, so I’d see if we could arrange some compromise garment to everyone’s satisfaction.

        1. I would hold out for more. I’d imagine that hiring someone for “the usual” type of in-home live entertainment would be a lot more than $100/hour.  I’m not certain as I’ve never had to arrange it (just spectated).

          1.  There’s a lot of differences though.
            An actual model does more than sit and look attractive, I should note; she nearly always also signs over the rights to the session to the photographer (most if not all). And she has to hold very uncomfortable poses for extended periods of time in cold rooms, usually in inadequate clothing.

            An actual “in home live entertainment” specialist doesn’t sit and look pretty, she’s a performer, often an athletic one. She doesn’t have to hold awkward poses and she doesn’t sign over recording and publication rights, but she does have to work in under-heated rooms in inadequate clothing, and the audience is usually worse behaved than a photographer.

            The Topless DM gets to sit comfortably (although skimpily dressed in a cold room), and I suspect while a certain “charming bubbly hostess” attitude would be a good plan, your performance isn’t the same kind of athleticism required for that live entertainer, nor are you signing over recording and publication rights. If they’re expecting someone to pole-dance or otherwise actively “be sexy” while DMing, I agree it should be significantly higher.
            If they’re expecting someone to DM (primary activity) with exposed bewbs and a tolerant attitude towards the attention this attracts as an added feature, I’d actually peg it around the same as a photographic model. I’m thinking more “Hooters Waitress” than stripper here, only the dynamic is different because the DM isn’t serving, the DM is murdering you with a 20 hit dice red dragon.

            Of course a photographic model can range much higher than $100/hr (that’s really more of a junior wage) but I don’t think there are any pro Topless DMs out there to have established portfolios yet :)

          2. Not pro topless DMs, but experience in run of the mill DMing would certainly count — and would probably be the difference between a success or a miserable time for all involved. If you’re not confident in your DMing abilities, you’re rather unlikely to be more confident when asked to do this topless.

      2. DMing isn’t like modeling. It’s a distinct skill that requires talent and experience, and doing it requires preparation. Getting paid per hour of the session itself would be pretty meaningless.

      1. “I appreciate what you are saying, some of the comments have been insensitive.”

        You obviously do not appreciate what I am saying, because that’s not what I said. Some of these comments exhibit sexism. Full stop.

        “At the same time, you are apparently willing to receive a paid vacation to hang out with a bunch of dudes that want a woman around…”

        I am willing to receive a paid vacation in recompense for spending a short period of time with said bunch of dudes, actually. I never said I’d hang with them, and I can’t see tagging along their stag party. That seems like it would be weird. Anyway, more on the not reading what I’m writing?

        “…not for what you can add to the game play, but because you willing to expose your large boobs to strangers.”

        Really? That’s all they want? That’s funny; I thought they advertised for a DM, not a stripper. Just being willing to expose your boobs is just one part of what they’re looking for.

        Anyway, this is a good example of the second sexist bit; that all men are pigs and liking boobs is proof thereof.

        I like boobs. I would enjoy a topless DM. I would work as a topless DM. That doesn’t make me a pig. That doesn’t make these guys pigs. To say otherwise is sexist.

        We are large; we contain multitudes.

  6. On that note, actually, since female gamers already get so many weird sex vibes from their fellow male gamers, why not supply an actress/ stripper with a headset and have someone tell her what to say and do?

      1. I believe she is implying that said actress/stripper would be used to having people being visibly attracted to her (as that is the primary function of being a stripper), while a more nerdy girl might feel awkward and uncomfortable in a situation like this.

        It’s like Master Blaster from Mad Max; one is the brains, the other the brawn.

      2. Presumably, the stripper/actress would:

        a. be used to it and,
        b. not be alienated by it.

        Whereas asking a gamer to take off her shirt would be

        a. further alienating and,
        b. further alienating.

        1. Yea but… that is still going to promote the idea that woman players l2play and are there only to be sex objects (or go make a sammich).

  7. I find “we will treat the DM with utmost respect” at odds with “we would like the DM to be topless [presumably so that they may ogle her]”. 

    I mean, I get that “utmost respect” means “we won’t try to Charm Other or Dominate Person on the DM”, but still — there is some implicit objectification carried in with asking someone to be topless for the purposes of titillation.

    On the other hand, maybe this would actually get the players to pay attention to the DM and stop chattering amongst themselves.

    1. People do a lot of weird shit for the sake of embarrassing the bachelor. The one bachelor party experience I was involved in (not mine; I was at work and was asked to help pretty much out of the blue) had me ask the groom to demonstrate the proper condom-application technique on a broom handle. Said broom’s other end was made up to look like a woman’s face.

  8. Hang on this is from Washington DC? Reminds me of the Canberra hotel I used  once which had a sign at reception saying they would not accept bookings from locals.

  9. Oh goodie, the old “Somebody has a fantasy/fetish/relationship structure that I’m not interested in, therefore nobody should ever be interested in it… Weirdos” thing… Because that always turns out great… And then people wonder how there can be so much hate in the world.

  10. I think it’s weird because I think of gaming as something I like to do with friends or people who may yet be my friends.  It’s just be weird to think someone’s only at the table because they’re paid.  Same reason I think the idea of prostitution reeks of sadness. 

  11. We are at all above the age of 24. Each of us are gentlemen and will treat the Dungeon Master with the utmost of respect…

    I’m surprised they didn’t list their charisma stats.

    1.  “We are all at CHA 10 or below, but we will have many Potions of Charisma available that will grant us +5 for 5 minutes, or until you pass out.”

      That said, I do remember quite a few well-mannered, good looking guys and girls that I’ve played with in my time.    The most irksome was the fellow that looked like Sean Bean, ridiculously over-the-top in practiced manner and bearing, able to charm and sweet talk the worst of the worst, and knew everything.   I’d have punched him in the face, if it weren’t for the fact that ‘knowing everything’ included a black belt in TKD.

  12. I was trying to imagine how this would fit into my life and realized that Topless Lesbian Tabletop Gaming sounds quite fun.  But it wouldn’t just be the GM taking off her shirt, ’cause we lesbians are into equality.  ;)

    More seriously, I do find the ad creepy, personally – and the “who wants to see a chubby geek girl topless” responses WAY creepier.  I can just about imagine a few male friends who would do this sort of thing for a bachelor party, although I can’t imagine them advertising for a complete stranger to take off her clothes and run the game.  They’d probably spend the whole time offering her their shirts because she looked cold. 

  13. Um SRsly really only 30 minutes of game time? Why bother playing at all then? why not just order a stripper and do away with the game?

  14. “With that said, I ensure you that nothing else is expect of you other than an exciting adventure.”

    That “exciting adventure” covers a lot of ground.

  15. I attended a bachelor party once where the groom wanted to play cosmic encounter with topless women.  He got his wish.

Comments are closed.