Trump "bombshell" turns out to be birther challenge: "I'll give $5m to charity if birth certificate yadda yadda"

"We know very little about our president ... yadda yadda."

The Onion:

In a blockbuster announcement today, Donald Trump announced that he is a very sad man who has nothing to live for other than drawing attention to himself. "I'm a sad, pathetic human being and a complete waste of life."

No-one alive is more like L. Ron Hubbard, in the weird little details, than Trump.


    1. And Hubbard also started a religion, which Trump has yet to do. I wouldn’t place a bet AGAINST him doing it, though.

      1. I might join this religion.  Not because I’d actually believe any of that crap, but because I feel it would be kinda cool to get in on the ground floor of a religion that has a chance of becoming somewhat widespread (e.g. Scientology).  I could maybe make money just by spewing out bullshit.  Heck, I could even become one of the Apostles of Trumpism.  “And kaplanfx sayeth unto the Trumpites, ‘Though shalt shaveth the front of thine head and fromst the back though shalt comb thine remaining hair back to the front.’ and it was good, and kaplanfx took a nap”.

      1. No, really, don’t feed them. Don’t give them the oxygen of publicity. Don’t post their stupid posturing videos. Just don’t.

          1. Yeah, but do we really have to live with all that shit spread around the place, while we wait for it to dry out? Just bury it already!

    1. She doesn’t rate parody or satirization. Her “works” consist almost exclusively of contrarian statements of pure vitriolic bile, delivered unimaginatively.

      There has to be something to define or at least set apart the subject of a parody. The best anyone could do with her persona would be to draw her as a spider killing love, with a word bubble above it in which you could insert any quote attributed to her.

      1. Actually, the Onion’s absurdist version of Ann Coulter would just be a friendly person who says nice things about the people with whom she disagrees, and that’s just hard to make funny enough to publish.

        1. “Oh well.  I guess we’ll have to agree to disagree, then. I will now refrain from calling you a traitor, and shall write a book containing no plagiarism”

          I agree.  That’s not funny at all.

    1.  That’s not unlike getting your news from Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert.  It is sad when the satirists are closer to fact than the talking heads on major news networks.

  1. It’s so frustrating that there aren’t any books, or Wikipedia pages, or news articles about, or video-taped interviews with the mysterious and elusive POTUS. 

  2. Alternative theory: he has something ‘bigger’ but was persuaded by lawyers or even ‘political advisors’ that it would be a very bad idea to release whatever it was. This was just a lame fall back. Hey, I’m good at this conspiracy theory thing!

    1. Can you imagine being his political advisor? You would definitely want to be an attorney, with a solid firm to help you vet the crazy that comes out of that guy. 

  3. If you can, watch the documentary “Youv’e Been Trumped” (it was broadcast on the BBC just a few days ago, so should still be available for a short while there) and you’ll have a beautiful exposé (as he and his minions bully and abuse some wee Scottish people who get in his way) of just what a monstrous scumbag this Trump fellow is.

    The trailer:

  4. He’s acting like an obsessed, jealous, jilted boyfriend who will eventually go postal because she won’t return his love. Secret Service really oughta have him on a watch list.

    1. Kristen Stewart needs to have him on her watch list. Seriously, the guy is obsessed with her and getting RPatz to dump her. Amazing talk for a philanderer! 

  5. I can’t stop thinking of a scene from Aaron Sorkin’s “The American President”:

    Annette Bening: “I’m looking at your college transcripts. This isn’t human. Nobody gets this many “A’s. You were like a Stepford student.
    Oh, Andy…C-minus in Women’s Studies?”

    Michael Douglas: “Yeah…that course wasn’t about what I thought it was gonna be about.”

  6. A. 5 million is not a lot in this context, blackmail of a government official veiled as charity.

    B. As the US President if he spends 5 – 10 minutes giving this ridiculous proposition consideration the net loss to the US exceeds 5 million. At most he should watch the video as a few moments of levity and perform better for it, we all need to laugh. But other than that an aide or spokesperson should spend no more than a few minutes responding to this… i don’t even, it’s too stupid.

    C. Is there an old folks home with solid gold fixtures in the bathrooms? If not, I worry for this guy.

  7. I can’t help but wonder how much reverse psychology is used on us during these elections. Wouldn’t it be interesting if Trump pulled stunts like this to actually get people to vote FOR Obama? The man actually agrees with many of Obama’s policies such as universal health care and other social issues. This could be similar to the tobacco corporations’ “Truth” commercials where the actors would appear to be going to extremes to convince the viewer not to smoke while subconsciously telling us that people who don’t want us to smoke are annoying asses.

    1. This could be similar to the tobacco corporations’ “Truth” commercials where the actors would appear to be going to extremes to convince the viewer not to smoke while subconsciously telling us that people who don’t want us to smoke are annoying asses.

      “Tobacco is wacko — if you’re a teen!

  8. If George Bush’s transcript is better than President Obama’s, then Houston, we have a problem? I feel Mitt will win because Mitt is the antichrist. Go on Trump, keep pushing for your spot in hell!

    1. Yeah, read some material on the Mormon ‘White Horse Prophecy’. I’m personally not subscribing to it, but it is really creepy how much of it fits in with Romney and this election. Some of the more hardcore conspiracy theorists believe that Joseph Smith was visited by an alien disguised as an angel who gave him the information that led to the creation of the LDS church. Oh, and it’s 2012…. Spooky! Shit! It’s Halloween, too! Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!

  9. You’d think a guy who could afford to give 5 million dollars could also afford a few bucks for decent lighting.

  10. WHERE WAS OBAMA BORN? IS HE A US CITIZEN! Well, that is the sort of thing that is normally looked into when one becomes President, but just this once, we’ll humor you. Here is his certificate of live birth.

    NOT GOOD ENOUGH! GIVE US THE LONG FORM BIRTH CERTIFICATE! THEN WE’LL BE HAPPY! Okay. Well, really the certificate of live birth should be fine, but if that’s what it takes to make you happy, here is my long form birth certificate.


    Okay. Seriously. Fuck off.


      Okay, now be honest, would that make you happy? Really!?


      See now, that’s why I asked.

  11. He slid that little clause “to my satisfaction” in there. This douchebag supreme is never satisfied. Notice how he put the “long form birth certificate…. or whatever it is” in there. If you feed the troll, it just demands more food, and complains that the food it demanded before was bad. Ignore this idiotic waste of space. 

  12. 5 million sounds great but is quite peanuts for Trump. 0.2% of his net worth. For someone with $100K of wealth, that would 200 bucks.

    Mr. Donald Trum, if you are serious, howabout 10% of net your worth?

  13. Trump is starting from a falsehood– other Presidents did NOT release their college records to the public, in fact George Bush’s college records only became public because someone leaked them, not because he asked them to be released. 

    Also, Donald, use your ‘inside’ voice.

  14. Let me get this straight …

    Donald Trump doesn’t believe the Records and Statistic division of the Hawaiian government which has Oboma’s certificate on record. That means that someone had to have broken into the archives and plant that record, one that cannot be detected as a forgery, or else every person who has possible access to those records was bribed. And that includes every person in the various security agencies who does background checks on presidential candidates. Secret Service, for sure. Plus add the additional ones when this issue was first brought up, so Homeland Security, FBI and CIA. Oh, and Immigration and Naturalization.

    Applying Occam’s Razor here …

    Donald Trump proves that even stupid people can become rich.

  15. Am I the only one who wanted to see trump say, “Five!  Million!  Dollars!”  …with his pinky raised to his lips?

  16. So this guy is withholding 5m from charity unless the President of the United States does what he says. I’m not a huge fan of Obama (not big on Gitmo, Drone Strikes etc.) but as President, can’t he just raise taxes on Trump and his ilk, and simply transfer hell of a lot more money to the charities? For Obama to bow to a rich mans money would do him more harm than good in public opinion. Obama killed Bin Laden FFS, That should be his answer to everything, hell if Bin Laden was killed on G.W. Bushes watch he’s have milked that cow and had the 2 term limit abolished in order to declare himself Grand Supreme Emperor of the World!

      1. I admit it would be kind of sweet if Obama signed a “Trump law” by executive order, that simply claimed $5 million from Trump.

    1. I think you’re on to something but you lost me a raising taxes, not because I’m opposed per se, but because congress raises taxes, the president can only veto bills, declare war, and appoint judges.  It’s a largely ceremonial post, though the men elected to it tend to see it differently.

      But back to the point which is that Donald Trump doesn’t get to tell the president what to do, even if he sweetens the deal with $5M to charity.  If Obama took him up on it, I would be next in line, offering $1K to a charity of the president’s choice if he dances a jig for me and posts it to youtube.  Think of the children, Mr president… think of how badly they need the money.

  17. When Trump sees the President he sees somebody that should be he his obedient house negro and not the leader of the free world, hence the crazy talk.

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