Scathing restaurant review

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57 Responses to “Scathing restaurant review”

  1. chgoliz says:

    OMG I needed that!

    Not sure if my favorite part is:

    “When you hung that sign by the entrance that says, WELCOME TO FLAVOR TOWN!, were you just messing with our heads?”

    or

    “And when we hear the words Donkey Sauce, which part of the donkey are we supposed to think about?”

    • I liked

      “The well-meaning staff seems to realize that this is not a real restaurant.”

      As the summary for the service.

    • Navin_Johnson says:

       Like everybody else here, the Donkey Sauce part really jumped out at me. How…HOW? does this get brainstormed and finally put on a menu without somebody not pointing out the mental image this conjures up?

      I wonder if people torture the servers with Donkey Sauce double entendres?

  2. Christopher says:

    I probably would never have eaten there even if offered the opportunity, but I am glad to have read the review because from now on I want my nickname to be “Donkey Sauce”.

  3. robcat2075 says:

    So an NYT writer is miffed that he got the wrong salad dressing?

    Can you imagine the NYT tone if a war were launched on some country for the wrong reasons?  I suppose there would be two question marks after every sentence instead of just one??

  4. Dang, I wanted to be first with the Donkey Sauce crack.

  5. Michael Polo says:

    Why is this guy not doing restaurant reviews for the daily show, or the onion?

  6. Frank Diekman says:

    I love this line from Salon’s review of the same place: “Also located far, far away on the West Coast are two locations of the Fieri and Gruber–owned Tex Wasabi’s Rock n’ Roll Sushi BBQ, a name that sounds, first of all, like nothing but a string of words and, second of all, actually insane, as if the restaurant itself suffers from some schizophrenic identity crisis.”

    • massspecgeek says:

      I lived in Santa Rosa CA for many years, starting long before Guy hit the big time. I think I probably ate at all of his Sonoma County restaurants at one time or another, but no more than twice at any one. Why? Because after every meal I felt exactly the way the the NYT reviewer did — questioning how the restaurants could possibly stay in business. They’re all terrible in every way — the menu, the food, the service — all of it. The home town boosters in Sonoma County won’t admit that the emperor has no clothes, so I’m beyond delighted to see that the Times has called Guy out, and on a national stage to boot. 

      • “I think I probably ate at all of his Sonoma County restaurants”

        “…questioning how the restaurants could possibly stay in business.”

        • massspecgeek says:

          Santa Rosa isn’t a very big town, and I bet I’ve eaten at more than 90% of the restaurants there. The good ones (or at least the good ones I can afford) I’ve been to many times. The bad ones, like Guy’s, I’ve only been to once or twice. People like me wouldn’t keep his restaurants in business — one visit from everyone in Sonoma County wouldn’t keep you in business for more than a couple of years — so the explanation must either be locals who like swill served by waiters who don’t care, or tourists.

      • alfanovember says:

        Perhaps Fieri’s next venture could be named “Arbutus Unedo”, or the Strawberry Tree, after an ornamental shrub popularly planted in Sonoma County.  It is a pretty plant, with reddish-orange fruit that looks impressive and tastes like nothing much at all..   

        The name is said to translate from Latin as “I ate only one.”

    •  This actually sounds like something from Buckaroo Banzai.

  7. linguistbreaker says:

    Hilarious!

    “SERVICE (:) The well-meaning staff seems to realize that this is not a real restaurant.”

  8. Kevin Pierce says:

    Perhaps Fieri is more of a front of the house Guy than back of the house Guy.

  9. bcsizemo says:

    Obviously the Donkey Sauce tasted like ass…

  10. Jorpho says:

    So many good Tumblr names.
    radiatorfluidandformaldehyde dot tumblr dot com
    bigfistofslowroastedporkshank dot tumblr dot com
    distantrumorofspice dot tumblr dot com

    Also, am I the only one who really only heard of Mr. Fieri when he showed up in Homestuck as one of the harbingers of the apocalypse?

  11. DreamboatSkanky says:

    “Is this how you roll in Flavor Town?”

  12. gwailo_joe says:

    I’m so glad I read this…great laugh in the AM. Slam-tastic!

    If he wasn’t already a successful, famous rich person; I’d almost feel bad for the Guy.  Almost.

    ‘Why does the marshmallow taste like fish?’  Well…what kind of fish?  

    Maybe sashimimallow could catch on!

  13. SamSam says:

    Does this remind me of a book I picked up and hurriedly put down again because every sentence was a question? Did it seem horribly contrived in something the size of a book, but actually really works in a short article? Did I love that every single sentence was a question, except for the very last? Yes.

  14. Gorgonzola says:

    The best part (after Donkey Sauce) is that it’s also a literary homage to Donald Barthelme, whose short story “Concerning the Bodyguard” was also written as a series of questions.

    • SamSam says:

      Maybe. There have also been other things written entirely as questions, such as the book “The Interrogative Mood” (which, as I mentioned above, I flipped through and it seemed terrible, but who knows, it might be good.)

      I think this is slightly different than either of those Every question is rhetorical, and it serves to convey the author’s mounting sense of incredulity at each turn.

  15. Phos0.99 says:

    I’m not a fan of Gordon Ramsay, but if ol’ Gorgar decided to do a *Very Special 2 Hour Episode* ripping that place to shreds, I’d definitely tune in.

    • niktemadur says:

      This would be fun in two ways:
      - Ripping a plastic TV personality’s cynical enterprise a new one.  But the NYT has already done that.
      - Any show that does the “Next time, on a very special (Blossom, Fresh Prince, Who’s The Boss, etc)” is jumping the shark as we speak, right in front of our eyes.  Jumping-the-shark-spotting is a sport I guess, like mullet hunting.

      BTW, my nephew went to Six Flags Over Kentucky, spotted over thirty mullets, then on the same trip a week later, he went to Six Flags Over Georgia, where there were only three mullets to be found.

  16. IronEdithKidd says:

    My SO obsessively watches cooking/travel shows.  I hate ‘em.  Guy is the douchiest of the lot. I really can’t describe the schadenfreude I’m feeling, but I’m certain it’s more delicious than anything served at that restaurant. 

  17. hacky says:

    It’s gone.  Why?

  18. Paul Renault says:

    I wonder how Marilyn Hegarty would have reviewed it.

  19. Doug says:

    And it’s probably still better than anything else in times square!

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