Bible Firsts, by Charles L. Paddock

Now we what know what people looked like in the Bronze Age! It's obvious that he wove his outfit from his own hair, but what did she use to make hers? (Via Suddenly)


    1. Brylcreem, a tiny grain shalt do thee
      Brylcreem, thou shalt look so debonair
      Brylcreem, adultresses shalt pursue thee
      Behold, they run their fingers through thy hair

  1. An lo, God said, “Give them Product”, and he saw it was good.  

    I guess bad hair was another side effect of getting kicked out of the garden. 

      1. I’m not very familiar with the bible.  Didn’t he tempt her with a cookie fresh from the oven of knowledge, or something?

  2. Well, there’s a sure sign that our ancestors were tossed from the garden: look at those teeth. Pretty sure Dentists hadn’t yet emerged from the primordial slime.  Especially ironic if the garden was actually in England…

    (Easy there, Brits! You get a cornucopia of opportunities for cheap shots at us Yanks. Allow us once in a while.)

  3. Heck, it’s even biblically inaccurate. If that’s supposed to be Adam and Eve in the garden, they wouldn’t have had a kid yet. They didn’t have Cain, Abel, Seth, and the rest of the unnamed progeny until after the fall.

    1. That’s the “serpent.”  God hasn’t taken away his limbs yet.

      Is this Jehova’s Witness lit? It definitely has that look.

    2. This has to be post-Eden since they’re wearing clothing. Maybe they just got banished to the other side of the river.

  4. The only place I’ve seen that shade of blue in the wild, has been in old women’s hair. So I’m guessing there’s a bald bronze age grandma just out of shot.

  5. Of course Eve was blonde! And they look exceedingly gleeful for people who’ve just doomed all of humanity to a lifetime of Original Sin. Christ, what assholes!

  6. So I guess the Garden of Eden was located in a west Malibu gated community or something.  That baby frightens me most of all.

  7. they did a good job downplaying adam’s nipple shot, too. (and btw, does the bible explain why adam had nips in the first place?)

  8. So I read the title really quickly and I thought that it was “Bible Fists”. Man, I really want that to be a thing.

  9. Weird thing is I have this book at home from when I was a kid, plus several others from the same publisher.

  10. LOVE that well-groomed look! “Brylcreem, a little dab’ll do ya, Brylcreem, you’ll look so debonair! Brylcreem, the girls’ll all go to ya, you’ll love the natural look it gives your hair…”

  11. I don’t know how to break this to you, Adam, but Eve seems to have been ribbed for someone else’s pleasure. Snake, you devil!

  12. I had this series of books as a child. Weird, I didn’t remember that until I saw this scan. It brought back some old memories!

  13. Heh.  I went out of my way to buy the whole series just for the illustrations.  Cost me a pretty penny, but they are just something to behold.  Not good, but certainly something.

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