32 Signs You’re Dating A Keeper

Yep, this list rings true. (via @sfslim)


  1. And here I was expecting things like:

    They have very good reflexes.
    They are very tall.
    Usually found wearing funny gloves.
    Don’t get in trouble for using their hands in a game where that’s normally not allowed.

    Colour me disappointed.

    1. I, too, was quite disappointed by Ms. Fagan’s list, though to my mind the essential giveaways that one is dating a Keeper are these:

      • They travel alone.
      • They’re usually very quiet.
      • They speak with a crisp British accent.
      • Their expression is incessantly dour.
      • They appear and disappear suddenly and without warning.
      • They are accustomed to getting their way.
      • They are invariably hoarders.
      • They’re willing to negotiate, but drive a hard bargain.
      • Then can be somewhat impatient.
      • They believe you are entitled to your opinion — e.g., when you remark that you consider yourself civilized.
      • They’re prone to saying things like “You are less than the insects which I crush beneath my heel as I walk.”
      • They demand two of everything.
      • They look at you as if you’re one of their animals.
      • They brandish staffs of weightless matter.
      • They wield cosmic power.

      If they fit the bill above, trust me, ladies & gents — you’ve found a Keeper.

  2. So if they’re completely lacking in character flaws and at the same time ignore yours, they’re a keeper?
    Chelsea Fagan is either very young or very lonely.

    1. So if they’re completely lacking in character flaws and at the same time ignore yours, they’re a keeper?

      Of course they are. It’s you that isn’t.

  3. I’m okay with most of them, but the last piece of pizza is mine.

    It’s sad that such a petty thing is what’s apparently keeping me from true love, but, there it is.

    1. Yup, an unwillingness to negotiate on something as important as the last slice could be a deal breaker.  What if your date bought the pizza?

  4. The general idea behind this list “they shouldn’t be a jerk to you or your family, you should be comfortable with them” is fine, but some of the items on it are questionable. 

    I love my wife, but some of the in-laws are insufferable.  Luckily they live in a different state so I don’t see them very often, but visiting her family can definitely be a chore.  Luckily, she agrees with me on this so we don’t visit very often. 

    1. Yes. These family points bothered me as well. It kind of presupposes that everybody has a loving or otherwise close relationship to their parents and therefore need their partner to have a positive attitude towards them as well.

  5. For me, this list was off to a bad start with #1. My list would read

    1. They understand that you are sometimes busy with other things and not looking at your phone; consequently, it may take you more than 3 or 4 hours to respond to a text.

    1. ” You don’t have to wait three or more hours for a response for a simple text every time you send one.”

      Did you miss the “every time” part?

      1. I doubt that’s meant to be taken literally. If it was, then as long as the other person responded to one text, once, within three or four hours, then there would be no grounds for complaint. 

        I frequently take more than four hours to respond to a text, simply because I’ve put my phone down and wandered off and got distracted. I suspect that would be enough to offend the spirit, if not the letter, of the list item. 

    1. Lovers of every caliber will disappoint you (and pleasantly surprise you) in ways you’d never expect, if they don’t then we’re talking about the kind which require software updates.

  6. Doin’ a little bit of creeping, she seems to be quite young (thinkin’ 20-something or possibly early-30’s), from Maryland, redheaded, living in Paris, and dating a french man named Marc whom she is absolutely in swooning silly love with. She’s also apparently a salaried Thought Catalog employee and also has “a book deal.” So to me this list sounds a teeeeeensy too much like “Look at how awesome my life is! Break up with anyone who is not like my boyfriend!” crowing to feel like honest advise.  She also seems to be….kind of an entitled dick, but maybe that’s just me with my Internet Cynic Goggles on.

      1. Doing still more creeping (because I have nothing better to do than creep on folks who like to offer me free pithy attempts at relationship advice apparently), it seems like she’s only been dating him since about the early part of this year if her references to a previous boyfriend with a different name are anything to go by, and met him on OK Cupid, so now this isn’t even funny and I’m sorry, Chelsea, I’m a big Internet Jerk.

  7. I have no problem with the list.  A great deal of the qualities listed aren’t necessarily signs of a keeper, but more like bare-minimum qualities for someone who’s remotely okay to associate with in the first place.  And it saddens me that so many of us need a checklist like this to remind us of the treatment we should realize everyone deserves.

    1. Very well said. It also saddens me to see the amount of snark and cynicism at the mere suggestion that it is possible have a fully civil, enjoyable, conflict-free relationship without being delusional robotic clones or whatever.

  8. “home training”? I had forgotten that all men require alteration in some basic way to make them acceptable.  

      1. I don’t feel like they are in the same category. toilet training is basic hygiene  “home training” is the notion that all men are unacceptable unless bent according to “a woman’s touch” it’s condescending and bothers me on a very visceral level. 

        1. There’s nothing in that point that implies said “home training” (which is a weird term to use imo!) needs to be done by a woman to a man. What she seems to say to me is just that the person you love should be civilized enough to not use careless racist or homophobic terms. In fact, the way she describes it, it appears like the home training in question should already have happened before he became entangled with her, so the whole woman’s touch complaint makes no sense to me.

          1. There’s nothing in that point that implies said “home training” (which is a weird term to use imo!) needs to be done by a woman to a man.

            I think the objectionable line was “any keeper needs basic home training,” implying that all men will need some house training.

            I don’t care quite as much about it as Eric, as I recognize that these kinds of things often start from the same kinds of stereotypes as Bud Lite commercials.

        2. Welcome to what it’s like to be female. If we’re not treated like a never-hot-enough sex object, we’re treated like a child.

  9. I had a long relationship with a wonderful person whose mother hated me because I’m Jewish. Don’t blame people for their mothers. 

  10. #9:  … and blowjobs.

    #31:  They also understand if you don’t feel comfortable naked in front of them in the bright light of day, and don’t take it personally.

    1.  Number 32 turns around and says you should be happy to provide those things for the person who is providing them for you

  11. OMG! This is SO true, fer sher!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I saw this list in Teen bop magazine and went, “OMG! This is SO true, fer sher!!!!!!!!”

    1. Honestly, I find that having someone like me is a powerful recommendation. It’s amazing how many people date (and marry) people whom they don’t actually like or respect.

      1.  Indeed.  On the flip side, I found that expressing an interest in another (as in “I like you”) had a remarkable effect on their interest in me.  (Wish I’d known this a lot earlier in life).

        “Hmm, you like me huh?  Well, I can probably find something to like about you…”

        That said, like is just the first thing.  It’s all the stuff that comes later that makes or breaks you.  Then you (maybe) have kids and it is a totally different list with a few overlaps.

  12. My wife (2nd) has a rule she used (and offers to friends to use):  if they had no/bad birthday celebrations as a kid, they are likely to have issues.

    1. Now look, some of us just got chicken pox on our birthday and feel that we should be allowed to move on from that by now.

      1. I managed to hit my birthday or Christmas with chicken pox, measles, mumps and rubella (twice).

        1. On my third birthday I slipped on the tiled concrete stairs, landed on my chin and got carted off to the ER to get stitches. So I am not dating material :[ (don’t tell my boyfriend)

          1. If I were to start dating, at what point would I say to my new boyfriend…?

            “So, um, don’t ever prank me because I have PTSD and I might bear hug you and bite your face.

            “And, um, sometimes I wake up screaming but it’s no big deal; I go right back to sleep.  Not even any film of cold sweat or anything.

            “Oh, um, I have this teensy problem with joints dislocating, so ask before you grab.  And no that’s not a cum rag; it’s for the nose bleeds.”

  13. Also, if she has pretend eyebrows painted on her forehead above where the actual ones were waxed away, that is nature’s way of telling you to stay away. 

    Ditto many equally alarming signifiers in men, I’m sure.

  14. Up until number 9, I thought this list was made for both sexes. Lame. Why not “They are a firm believer in cunnilingus and/or blow jobs”?

    1. Because it was written by a straight woman based on her needs and wants. Is there some particular reason that you feel that she needs to write a list that applies to you?

        1. So if a straight guy makes a list of qualities that he wants in a mate, I should get all butthurt because he doesn’t include uncut monster cock?

          1. Oral sex is a great term if you don’t want to sound like you are using the big fancy words like fellatio and cunnilingus, AND they are gender and orientation indiscriminate. 

  15. I fall down on #1 (I don’t text.), #18 (Lack of returning texts, ignoring my phone, etc. creates doubt in the people I’ve dated.) and #28 (I’m good for her, they’ll say, but also a little boring so they don’t care to hang around me so much.)

    A couple have given me a shot to prove myself under #9 and, apparently, my enthusiasm can convince some women to overlook shortcomings.  Those have been some of my longest relationships.

    Generally, though, I’m the nice guy who gets friend-zoned nearly every dadgum time.  Given that the ravages of age are quickly catching up with me, I’ve given up.

    Thanks, BB.  I needed something to depress me before heading off to bed.

  16. A shorter version of the list:

    01.  “He is, just like you, a cosmopolitan (upper) middle class progressive with a proclivity for advice lists and self help books.”

    Absolutely not compatible with ‘cosmopolitan middle class progressives WITHOUT a proclivity for advice lists and self help books’ like me.

  17. “25. You are so attracted to him/in love with him that you will keep telling yourself that there are no secrets between you because you simply want to believe that there aren’t”

    Also had to fix 25.

  18. I for one think that this is a pretty decent list. I’d certainly share it with my 20 year old daughter. Of course, she’d probably roll her eyes at me and say, “MOM!!” in that exasperated way that all parents of teens and young adults know so well.

    1. I’d certainly share it with my daughter.

      Before you do that, go through all of the rules.  To be blunt, there’s one about eating pussy.

  19. You don’t have to wait three or more hours for a response for a simple text every time you send one.

    Who wrote this catshit?

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