“So, um, don’t ever prank me because I have PTSD and I might bear hug you and bite your face.

“And, um, sometimes I wake up screaming but it’s no big deal; I go right back to sleep.  Not even any film of cold sweat or anything.

“Oh, um, I have this teensy problem with joints dislocating, so ask before you grab.  And no that’s not a cum rag; it’s for the nose bleeds.”

I frequently take more than four hours to respond to a text, simply because I’ve put my phone down and wandered off and got distracted. I suspect that would be enough to offend the spirit, if not the letter, of the list item. 

You don’t have to wait three or more hours for a response for a simple text every time you send one.

Who wrote this catshit?

I’d certainly share it with my daughter.

Before you do that, go through all of the rules.  To be blunt, there’s one about eating pussy.

There’s nothing in that point that implies said “home training” (which is a weird term to use imo!) needs to be done by a woman to a man.

I think the objectionable line was “any keeper needs basic home training,” implying that all men will need some house training.

I don’t care quite as much about it as Eric, as I recognize that these kinds of things often start from the same kinds of stereotypes as Bud Lite commercials.

• They travel alone.
• They’re usually very quiet.
• They speak with a crisp British accent.
• Their expression is incessantly dour.
• They appear and disappear suddenly and without warning.
• They are accustomed to getting their way.
• They are invariably hoarders.
• They’re willing to negotiate, but drive a hard bargain.
• Then can be somewhat impatient.
• They believe you are entitled to your opinion — e.g., when you remark that you consider yourself civilized.
• They’re prone to saying things like “You are less than the insects which I crush beneath my heel as I walk.”
• They demand two of everything.
• They look at you as if you’re one of their animals.
• They brandish staffs of weightless matter.
• They wield cosmic power.

If they fit the bill above, trust me, ladies & gents — you’ve found a Keeper.

Also had to fix 25.
Sorry.

A couple have given me a shot to prove myself under #9 and, apparently, my enthusiasm can convince some women to overlook shortcomings.  Those have been some of my longest relationships.

Generally, though, I’m the nice guy who gets friend-zoned nearly every dadgum time.  Given that the ravages of age are quickly catching up with me, I’ve given up.

Thanks, BB.  I needed something to depress me before heading off to bed.

01.  ”He is, just like you, a cosmopolitan (upper) middle class progressive with a proclivity for advice lists and self help books.”

Absolutely not compatible with ‘cosmopolitan middle class progressives WITHOUT a proclivity for advice lists and self help books’ like me.

Ditto many equally alarming signifiers in men, I’m sure.

“Hmm, you like me huh?  Well, I can probably find something to like about you…”

That said, like is just the first thing.  It’s all the stuff that comes later that makes or breaks you.  Then you (maybe) have kids and it is a totally different list with a few overlaps.