Comments on: Citigroup leads finance world in bullshit-generating capacity

By: Donald Petersen

Donald Petersen — Fri, 07 Dec 2012 21:13:00 +0000

What people seem to have forgotten is the meaning of the word “bonus,” as in “something in addition to what is expected or strictly due.” It’s all very well to ensure one’s contract includes provisions for additional payments over and above salary, but all forms of contractual payment are gonna be “what is expected or strictly due.” Once upon a time, the “bonus” one received for outstanding job performance or long service or fabulous gains in corporate stock value or whatever was entirely contingent upon the powers-that-be deciding such a bonus was earned.

How distasteful the word’s new meaning has become.

By: cservant

cservant — Fri, 07 Dec 2012 19:05:00 +0000

We laugh about it, but the market, NYSE, is rewarding this action. Up more than 3% since the 5th of December and it looks to me it’s holding those gains.

Also the thought of “Cross any corporate HR department with the PR department, throw in some of the folks from legal ” scares the hell out of me!

By: sdmikev

sdmikev — Fri, 07 Dec 2012 17:16:00 +0000

why do some folks fall over themselves to genuflect in front of the likes of these companies?
people are weird.

By: Bearpaw01

Bearpaw01 — Fri, 07 Dec 2012 16:39:00 +0000

Yeah, just like pensions for workers are contractually obligated. Until they aren’t.

By: boomsb

boomsb — Fri, 07 Dec 2012 15:58:00 +0000

Obligatory xorgasm reference… me or you, but not both.

By: Ping Kee

Ping Kee — Fri, 07 Dec 2012 14:36:00 +0000

Derek Thompson is on the right track, but has failed to make Citigroup actually responsible for the sackings. His shortened version would be better as follows: “We’ve just sacked 11,000 people to save money.”

If this were an audio file, a long wet raspberry would follow to indicate how management thinks about those sacked.

By: Ping Kee

Ping Kee — Fri, 07 Dec 2012 14:26:00 +0000

As an equation it looks like this:

260,000 – 11,000 = $1,100,000,000.

But don’t worry. Citigroup has a CSR report. Oh, sorry; it’s written by the same people who passed the rotting log above. My mistake….

By: DisGuest

DisGuest — Fri, 07 Dec 2012 13:59:00 +0000

They aren’t into streamlining words, nope, no economy there.

By: awjt

awjt — Fri, 07 Dec 2012 13:38:00 +0000

If they are optimizing and streamlining for better delivery, they would have done it years ago not suddenly realized one fine day. Just goes to show you the people at the top have no fucking clue what they are doing. If they knew what they were doing, they wouldn’t get into tough spots. Meanwhile, as others have pointed out, the fat cats at the top continue to rake in the big dough regardless of the company’s bottom line. Pitchforks and axes, I tell ya. I don’t know when we’re going to get so fed up that we just simply refuse to let organizations like this even exist.

By: howaboutthisdangit

howaboutthisdangit — Fri, 07 Dec 2012 13:14:00 +0000

11,000 jobs sacrificed so that massive executive bonuses may continue uninterrupted.

By: Lemoutan

Lemoutan — Fri, 07 Dec 2012 12:39:00 +0000

Might be OK if you used a pair of nandgasms.

By: travtastic

travtastic — Fri, 07 Dec 2012 12:37:00 +0000

It’s always going to be funny, but never forget that their first goal isn’t to bullshit you, it’s to confuse you. The more ridiculous and long they make it, the more likely that you’ll just stop reading, and then they don’t have to convince you of anything.

By: oasisob1

oasisob1 — Fri, 07 Dec 2012 12:32:00 +0000

I suppose a NOTgasm just wouldn’t be any fun.

By: Lemoutan

Lemoutan — Fri, 07 Dec 2012 12:27:00 +0000

I suppose a logical alternative to an orgasm might be an andgasm.

By: peregrinus

peregrinus — Fri, 07 Dec 2012 12:17:00 +0000

Ran this through the *wheedlebox*:

- We fired people
- That makes us even cheaper to run, and we run even better now (we’re amazingly truly really good at running ourselves)
- but don’t worry!!! We’re still very very special, and especially in markets with people who look like they’re getting richer by the minute, we’re amazingly special and are the only firm who’s amazingly incredibly special like that, because they might help us make much more money, and we’re slightly abandoning the older markets we’re all used to because … hey we’re all friends! Sit down, have a beer.
- We’ll now be so good at what we do, so slim attractive and amazing, that we’re sure our appearance will be undeniably desirable to you

- We’re *fzzt* getting into *bzzz* the sneaker business *prrrrt* and selling *grtpft* fantastic long-distance running gear *fzzt* to *gzzz* Vanuatu

By: oasisob1

oasisob1 — Fri, 07 Dec 2012 12:09:00 +0000

Expressing oneself could lead to some kind of ‘gasm.

By: Kimmo

Kimmo — Fri, 07 Dec 2012 09:45:00 +0000

‘People’ doesn’t quite ring true; such stuffed shirts are more akin to the bad guys in They Live, amirite?

By: Kimmo

Kimmo — Fri, 07 Dec 2012 09:40:00 +0000

…going forward.

By: Kimmo

Kimmo — Fri, 07 Dec 2012 09:37:00 +0000

But… but… socialism!

*splutter*

By: Frederik

Frederik — Fri, 07 Dec 2012 07:51:00 +0000

You mean you “repositioned your credit line to more acurately represent your corporate intrests and further optimize your world view”.

By: Antinous / Moderator

Antinous / Moderator — Fri, 07 Dec 2012 07:19:00 +0000

Because they signed contracts that obligated them to give people fortunes for fucking up.

By: Jeremy Sweeney

Jeremy Sweeney — Fri, 07 Dec 2012 07:17:00 +0000

They’re contractually obligated to pay those bonuses. People forget that part.

By: BrianOman

BrianOman — Fri, 07 Dec 2012 06:48:00 +0000

How else do you justify personal bonuses for failing to manage a company?

By: Nicholas MacDonald

Nicholas MacDonald — Fri, 07 Dec 2012 06:38:00 +0000

What? You means there’s somewhere that writers are actually PAID?

By: Nicholas MacDonald

Nicholas MacDonald — Fri, 07 Dec 2012 06:35:00 +0000

Thanks for that. I just repositioned my carbonated high-fructose corn syrup based beverage all over my data input device.

By: nixiebunny

nixiebunny — Fri, 07 Dec 2012 06:10:00 +0000

They keep those until the bitter end.

By: Brenda Brookshire Owens

Brenda Brookshire Owens — Fri, 07 Dec 2012 05:59:00 +0000

Everyone should find a credit union to work with, take our small but many accounts away from the evil ones who wreck our world.

By: Lyle Hopwood

Lyle Hopwood — Fri, 07 Dec 2012 05:58:00 +0000

You’ll laugh out of the other side of your laugher if it turns out that the people they are laying off are their 11,000 bullshit artists.

By: Brenda Brookshire Owens

Brenda Brookshire Owens — Fri, 07 Dec 2012 05:54:00 +0000

I streamlined my efficiency while maintain realistic contractual concepts when I repositioned citigroup by shredding my credit card with them for posting disagreeable and unwarranted fees without prior approval in 2002. Sorry, people who lost your jobs, but you’ve been working for the devil, so now you know better?

By: mccrum

mccrum — Fri, 07 Dec 2012 05:50:00 +0000

Two weeks after I closed my account they sent an autodeduct through then had the gall to call me up and tell me I owed them $50 for overextending my account as well as the money they had sent from the closed account.

The yelling the manager received in public about poor customer service being the reason I had closed my account in the first place for a credit union who knew me by name hopefully had an impact on everyone waiting in line…