Donald Trump proves he's not half orangutan, demands $5 million from Bill Maher

"Wednesday Trump made headlines when he challenged Bill Maher to pay up the $ 5 million dollars he is owed. On Monday night’s Tonight Show with Jay Leno, Maher mocked Trump’s offer to President Barack Obama and offered to donate $5 million to the charity of Trump’s choice if he would release his own birth certificate to prove The Donald was not the 'spawn of his mother having sex with orangutan' Trump’s lawyer provided the proof and accepted Maher’s offer. Now Trump is ready to collect, 'He made the offer… I accepted his offer and he owes me $ 5 million dollars which I am going to give to charity… If doesn’t pay the money we will probably sue him.'" -- Extra


      1. I want to see a newspaper with his birth being listed in it, along with a high definition (720i minimum resolution) video of him emerging from his mothers vagina, the doctors then saying the date and time as they held him up and spanked him, as well as the sex tape of his father and mother doing it. I want to see the moment the zygote merged to become the new life. 

        Otherwise, what is he hiding?

        1. You’re responsible for one of the most disturbing invocations of Rule 34 I’ve ever witnessed.

          Well done.

        2.  That won’t help, as his maternal parentage was never questioned, but rather his true lineage along paternal lines (aka “Who’s yer daddy”).  Therefore, to properly satisfy this bet, he would need to provide footage of the conception, with all parties clearly identifiable, and a complete medical workup of the father certifying he is indeed not a Pongo pygmaeus or Pongo abelii.  Interesting, as I read the bet, proof that the father was Homo sapiens is not necessary.

      2. The birth certificate doesn’t mention the father’s species – only his name. And Fred is a perfectly good name for an orang utan.

    1. Right, seems pretty easy to escalate this: well, Donald old chum, we don’t “believe” your birth certificate.  Sure you have it but has the governor of your state of birth even personally vouched for it?  HAVE THEY?*

      (* If they do, by the way, we’ll just escalate again, because, crazy.)

  1. For a guy who is supposedly a business wizard, he doesn’t seem to understand the difference between a joke and a legally binding contract.    OR – maybe he’s just trying to keep his name in the press.   (DOH!   We failed. Again. An enabler you are Mark.)

    1. Yeah I guess if Trump wants to argue in court that this offer wasn’t a piss-take, he will have to convince the court that the question of his mother being a chimpfucker is a reasonable one.

    2. Well to be fair, it isn’t necessary that the offer be in writing, for Donald to have to formally accept or even that Bill and Donald be in the same room to form a contract. I wouldn’t be surprised to see a number of 1L contract exams have a question similar to this because there are arguments that could be made on both sides. That said, I don’t think Donald is trying to win in court on this one, but to make himself look good and Maher look bad.

      1. Donald doesn’t need a court case to make himself look good, he’d do far better with a hairdresser.

    1. Give Urangutan some respect please! If only The Donald were half Urangutan, he would probably be a better man. 

      1. I’m glad I’m not the only one sick of this shameful slandering of our noble red-furred cousins.

        1.  Yeah, they seem like sweet dudes.  For that matter, pigs same way nicer and more intelligent than Trump as well.

          Trump’s more like a wharf rat.  Or maybe that’s just the thing on his head.

          1. You’re close to the truth.  Trump is actually a man-puppet controlled by a wharf rat disguised as a toupée.

  2. Trump’s business with the golf course in Scotland was enough for me.
    Don’t promote him, and don’t even mention him ever again, please!! 

    1. He bought himself a winery here in Virginia and put his name on the wine. Like anyone is going to want to drink anything with his name on it.

  3. The pivotal part of the “deal” is proving he’s not half-orangutan (we can charitably, although sorrowfully, assume his mother was no part orangutan).

    Releasing his birth certificate doesn’t prove that, short-form or otherwise.  It just shows he was born.

    Then he single-handedly destroyed the toupee business, the reputation of which was left in tatters the minute the first photo of him with one appeared.

    1.  an excellent point.  I for one look forward to the Donster being made to provide DNA evidence to the contrary.  I can imagine future generations looking back and saying “Jeez, this guy was so bad they actually made him get a DNA test to prove he wasn’t half human!”

  4. The deal is that the money would go directly to the charity of Trump’s choice, not that Trump would collect the money and hand it over to the charity himself.

  5. Satiric slander is not legally binding. Unless as Glen Able pointed out, the average person could reasonably believe the satiric remark is true.

  6. $5 million is steep for demonstrating Trump’s monumental lack of dignity. He’s done it free for decades.

  7. Orangutan Outreach — — stands ready, willing & able to have Trump’s DNA tested. We are 100% confident that despite the curious hair color and odd facial grimaces, Trump is in fact NOT half orangutan. Orangutan males are handsome, intelligent and progressive in their thinking. They are wonderful to be around and the ladies love them! Very un-Trumplike.

    Orangutan conservationists would greatly appreciate if the $5 million could instead be used to protect critically endangered orangutans and their rainforest habitat. Orangutan Outreach, a registered 501c3 US charity, could do a lot of good with even a fraction of that money.  Just ask Colbert:  

    1. The biggest threat to orangutans is habitat destruction from palm oil plantations in Indonesia.  You can help by not buying products that include palm oil.  Some of the most common are
      – ramen noodles (almost all of them use palm oil, because it’s cheap and saturated; the ones that don’t are mostly non-fried ramen or sometimes canola.)
      – “no-stir” peanut butter (most of that uses palm oil, though some uses other oils.)
      – Nutella (sigh…  some of its competitors use other oils.)
      – Girl Scout cookies

      There is responsibly harvested palm oil, mostly from Africa, but the Asian market.

    1.  I imagine he focuses on not breaking any laws while doing what ever Trump tells him to (in contrast to trying to act like some kind of reasonable person).

      (And so would lots of people if they had the opportunity)

    2. To be fair, oral contracts are normal and enforceable in the entertainment industry, so it’s not quite as crazy as it would be in a different business setting.

  8. Ha, I can imagine that scene,

    Judge – “Awww, did da wil Donald get his fee-fees awl hurt by da big bad man makin funsies of his Birther offer during the ewections??”

    And later,

    “I’m sorry, but with all due respect Mr. Trump, the only real solution to your problem is for you to stop being an asshole. Take it slow, just a few minutes a day, then more and more until you’re not a complete asshole most of the day.”

  9. Wait, if comments on a talk show are legally binding, what does that make his twitter comments during the elections?

  10. Orly Taitz and Sheriff Arpaio both stand firm by their statement that the Birth Certificate is faked and they have proof he was born in the Monkey Cage at the Bronx Zoo.

  11. Donald Trump is clearly an experienced improvisor. He’s taking Maher’s absurd premise and doing what’s known as “yes-and”ing it.

  12. Donald Trump also offered $5 million to Tyler Perry:

  13. Oh, he’ll accept THIS challenge, but not Colbert’s challenge to let him dip his testicles in Donald Trump’s mouth.


  14. Okay here is an idea:  Get the wonderful people on boing boing and reddit to flash sabbatage google images and wikipedia and equate Donald with an Orangutan, providing more proof that is needed for Bill’s case. I can’t wait for this one to play out.

  15. Also, that only means a human male was standing there when he was squirted out, not when he was squirted in.

  16. What if his mother is half orangutan and his father is half orangutan?

    also, if Maher offered to donate $5 million to the charity of Trump’s choice then Trump doesn’t get to say: ” I accepted his offer and he owes me $ 5 million dollars which I am going to give to charity”
    All he should be able to do is to tell Maher the address/name/banking details of the charity and Maher donates the money – after determining it’s not just a secret slush fund for quarter orangutan/humanish hybrids.

    In fact it seems likely to me that given the wording Maher used it is still Maher that can deduct the money from his taxes.

  17. In UK slang, ‘trump’ is another word for fart.
    eg “did you just trump?”
    Just thought I’d add that to the discussion.

  18. Another Brit here.

    “He bought himself a winery here in Virginia and put his name on the wine. Like anyone is going to want to drink anything with his name on it.”

    Since reading that, I’d like to own a bottle of Trump Wine.

  19.  I accepted his offer and he owes me $ 5 million

    Nice try, but no one owns Trump a fucking dime. Some charity is owed 5 mil. But then Trump’s favourite charity is Trump.

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