Dread Cthulhu Leads His Cult to Milestone Year

Under His unforgiving majesty Cthulhu, the Order of Dagon expanded more in 2012 than in any 12 months of its 180-year history.

2012 was a milestone year for the Dark Cult, with the dread message spreading to more than 10,000 conclaves and covens in 167 nations--figures that represent a growth rate 20 times that of a decade ago.

The driving force behind this unparalleled era of growth is Cthulhu himself, who is not only a cosmic entity of inordinate and terrible power, but also chairman of the board of the Esoteric Order of Dagon. Mr. Cthulhu is unrelenting in His work, providing charitable assistance to worthwhile causes, serving communities with fresh humanitarian initiatives, and afflicting all mankind with a transcendent anxiety though His eldritch murmurs.

Mr. Cthulhu spearheaded a program to turn every House of R'lyeh into what Dagon Father Obed Marsh termed "Ideal Orgs." This new breed of Church is ideal in location, design, and the exact form of its shrieking and immemorial lunacies. Each non-euclidean edifice is uniquely configured to accommodate the full array of Dagon services for both parishioners and the surrounding community, housing extensive public information multimedia displays upon its vast, cyclopean masonry. Chapels serve to host Sunday Services, congregational gatherings and, of course, human sacrifices.

David Miscavige Leads Scientology to Milestone Year [The Atlantic] (Update: they took it down. Here's a cached copy.)


  1. The Atlantic link now just gives this message:
    “We have temporarily suspended this advertising campaign pending a review of our policies that govern sponsor content and subsequent comment threads.”

    1. What a fucking disaster. Maybe I’m making too much of this, but this seems like a staggering mis-move by the Atlantic and their efforts to be, well, not a laughing stock.

      1. The Atlantic’s own Jeffrey Goldberg posted his own (passive aggressive) reaction as well.

        It’s a shame — the magazine does a lot of long-form work that I really respect, but there’s a vast difference between running a Scientology ad and selling “sponsored content” that is visually identical to the magazine’s own articles. Plus, those comments. Oy gevalt.

      1. Is it weird to anyone else that all the images of the celebrations seem to right at the moment there is some kind of large explosion of confetti and balloons? That is some serious OCD-type planning there.

        1.  It’s only weird if you think they only take one picture at each event.  An alternate theory might be that they take many pictures and pick the ones that look most impressive.

          1. Photo-analysis of Scientology events can be entertaining. They’ve gotten better since the Photoshopped “Man With No Head” incident, but they routinely seem to pack far more people into a given space than is possible when checked against satellite images.

        2. You also can’t really make out any faces in any of the crowd photos. Like maybe they were cut and pasted there.

          Also, how do I get ahold of the local Cthulhu cult in Vancouver?

        1. Louanne was making eyes at John Sweeney (BBC reporter and author of book “The Church of Fear”, which exposes the horrific behavior of the Cult of Scientology) on his twitter account today.

          It’s easy to see that Louanne has a huge crush on the literati hottie, Sweeney.  Poor John – Louanne puts a literal spin to the term “cult following”.

  2. This is a great account of the great developments happening in the Church of the Old Ones today. More and more people are learning about the great benefits of the practical technology in Yog Soggoth – this is also a wonderful testament to religious freedom flourishing in the current era. Cthulu has certainly played an important role in bringing the Elder Gods to various geographical areas and making sure that interested people have access to it.

  3. hilarious…years ago I got former Dark Cult temple phone # & used to get regular calls from parishoners & aspirants…you can’t imagine how much fun I had answering their calls.

    1. Some eight years ago, my soon-to-be-wife’s phone number was 666-6669.  You’d think she would have received many crank calls from more-or-less evil people, but I only remember one: a message on her answering machine with the usual recorded voice followed by a pretty ordinary-sounding guy: “You have received a collect call from:” “Satan.” “Will you accept the charges?”

      She still got rid of the number because she actually did get a hell of a lot of misdialed calls from babies.  You’d hear them cooing and babbling on the other end.  Seemed like they’d just knock over the receiver and pound on the 6 key for a while.

      1. UCSF’s exchange was 666 for years. And my monthly Kaiser premium this year is $666. I guess we know who’s running the health care industry.

        1. When I first moved to Hollywood (on Orchid, just behind the Chinese Theater), my phone number was 467-4xxx.  It tickled me no end that up into the 1990s, they were giving out phone numbers that matched the HOllywood exchange.  I’d use my best MovieTone Newsreel voice on my answering machine’s outgoing message: “Hello!  You’ve reached HOllywood-seven-four-[somethingsomethingsomething]!”

          Come to think of it, I suspect most of my friends thought I was trying to sound like the MovieFone guy.

      2.  “misdialed calls from babies”

        Today she’d tack on a “.tumblr.com” to that and become famous.

        1. How can a baby misdial a call? I mean, maybe they wanted to babble at his girlfriend. Or maybe they were hungry, heard she had large boobs, and were ordering takeout.

  4. Gives a whole new meaning to the term “Sea Org”. I’m picturing HP Lovecraft in naval whites on a yacht somewhere in the Pacific, laughing insanely about how “being paid a penny a word for writing is no way to make a living” as a slime- and ooze-covered corpse city of Cyclopean masonry rises from the depths.

    By the way, if you think this $cientology advertorial will consume The Atlantic Magazine’s brand goodwill with ravening delight, you haven’t yet seen the damage wrought upon it over the past several years by the slushy gelatinous Great Old One known as Megan McArdle, spawn of the She-Goat Aynrand.

  5. “Hey, BoingBoing—is Cthulhu there, right now? Are you in trouble? BLINK TWICE AND WE WILL SEND FOR HELP.” (@wilto tweet variant, cannot take credit…)

    1. I picture someone in a house filled with occult research paraphernalia saying that chatting via a video conference on his computer, and then the eyes of the refined gentleman in the painting on the wall suddenly BLINK TWICE.

    1. Thanks.  It was obvious that the article was sponsored content, and that the comments were mostly shills plus a few anti-cult shills making cracks about Xenu, but I hadn’t known that the sponsor got to censor comments.

      1. For years Scientology was shutting down any e-meter sales on eBay by abusing their merchant account. Give them an inch…

      1. M̸̱̯̥͍̬͛ͬͣͫͮY̭̻̲̲̩̆͐ͥ͊̌ͣ̍̀͟͝ ̵͓͇̗̅͌̅̐T͉̩͌ͫ̅̊ͫͬ̂͠ͅE̢̡̥̟͈̻̺̱͂̿̆N͕̤̓̓̆ͩ̕T̗̜̰̖̹͙͇̤ͫͨͯͤͤ̏̓̌A̧̱͓̣̬̬̥͉̦ͤ̎̇͑͛ͬ͒̾C̛͚͔̯̬̺̭̙̆̎͆̊͛̈́̉́͟͝Ļ̤͇͈̜̗͖̠ͤͧE̬͔̖͔̟͊͒͞S̺͓̯̝͒̂ͧͭ̌̕ ̧̢̟͈̝̻̅͆̿ͮ̇̓́͌͢A̡̯͓̲͇̙͓̲͂ͬ̒̌͒̕Ŗ̘̜̻̻̯ͬ̍͐͋̀͊ͮͯ̀̕E̼̥ͬ͂ ͖͖̮͉͕̗̑̌̃̅̃͆̂ͅT̵͙͎̺̗͛̆̎̆ͭ͝O͂̽ͬ̓ͯ̆҉͚͚̝̹̩̹Ợ͍̺̫̘̗̝̠̂͒̂̄͟ ̸̈́̎ͦ͘͏̠͕̭F̴̜͕̠̺̫̳̙ͤͧ̈͒̓̽ͦ̃͋͘͝A̴̸̭̘͍̗͊̉̌̎̃̐͊͊T̢̨͉̦̪̦̦̯ͩ
        ̨̧̛̖̜̱̠̼̺̗͊̃͋F̷̷͙̗̩̯̂̌̊͌ͭ͗ͧ̏O͉̖ͫ̌ͬ̐̑ͦ͐ͨͪͅR̷͓̬͎͕͔͂ͬ́̇ͦ̀́͡ͅ ̴̱̗ͦͭ̆̽͗̆ͩ̔͘T̴̴̯̥̥ͥ̆ͧH̹͔̬̦̄I͎̟̗̩ͦ̇S̡ͦ̈҉͎̦̗̖ ̧͈̟̔ͮͥ͌̒̚K̶͉͉̫͔͎̺͕̂͂̾̂̈ͅE̡̨̬̘͉ͣ̆̃ͩͤ̑̓Y̸͙̩͉͈͙͍̤̳̮̿̒̇͋̕B̭̟͙̮͙̘̓̋̎̀O̵̷̢͈̪̱̖̟̜̒ͥ̈͗͐͑͆͐Ą͎̜̳̗̀̽ͮͯ̔̋͊͝ͅR̵̖̳̺̼̹̠̣̹̐͢D̢̟̱̳͉͔̺̣̠͎̏̓̚

          1. Your Zalgo is nothing but a false profit! Let He Who Waits Behind the Wall stay hidden, like the coward he is!

             Mighty Nyarlathotep will reveal his next avatar soon. The Day of Reckoning is at hand! We shall all rejoice in the gentle gaze of The Crawling Chaos!

        1. Is it supposed to look like this?  That’s what it looks like in FF.  In Chrome, it just looks like normal text.

          1. Works for me in Chrome but while the effect is pretty cool, I really rather like how it showed up for you as well.

          2. I’m in Chrome, too, and I see it all properly freaky Unicodey. (MacOS 10.6.8, Chrome 24.0.1312.52, if that has anything to do with it).

            Apparently Zalgo just has to continue waiting behind the wall if you don’t have the right browser? I guess it’s hard for ancient evil to keep up with all the new-fangled tech these days.

            EDIT: OK, not properly freaky Unicodey. It’s mostly the same, but there are some of the square boxes in there as well (penguinchris, above, has the proper rendering).

            Huh. So most of the evil comes through, but not all of it.

  6. Well done.

    I subscribed to The Atlantic for about a decade, and I was frankly relieved when the last issue arrived in my mailbox, and I would no longer have to pick through the mire fore articles that neither disgusted nor enraged me (and I was amused when for a year afterwards they offered me to resubscribe for more than 80% off the cover price). What they have done to debase that once-proud institution truly boggles the mind. This isn’t the first example of their having problems drawing the line between fundraising/sponsorship and editorial content, but frankly I was even more appalled by many of the people they paid to write for them, and what they willingly published from those writers. This is not to besmirch all Atlantic writers; I still admire Fallows, and a lot of people I respect sing the praises of Coates. But my opinion of the institution is low enough that I found this latest travesty to be more amusing than saddening.

      1. Don’t join the church decorating comittee – You’ll have to untangle everyone’s pew bows after their wedding.

    1. #Photoshopdeasasters? Noooo. Just as real as C̛̪͍̭̭̯̪̲̪͙̫͔͍̞͍̟͖͈͚͘ͅt̯̼̝͈̩͕͉̹͎̦̥̕͟͝h̴͏҉͎̜̬̱͖̦͚̤̝̗̙̫̭̱̦̳̕͜ͅu̗̯̰͇̪͓̼̤͢͡ͅĺ̵̷̶͙̙̳̪̮̰̯̯̞͘u̸̶̷͡͏̫̭̳̟̻̟̗̟̯̗̜̭ up there. And then, sadly, they are not… They are even more disturbing.

    2. It’s possible they’re photoshopped, but it’s more likely it’s just a trick of the photo angles. Scientology got burned in 2000 when photos of its New Year’s celebration were revealed to be shooped (google “Men with No Heads”) for the story. 

      1. Shaming isn’t known to change their ways, you know. Yes, there’s probably photomanipulation going on in EVERY one of their super power openings.

  7. As someone who has gotten to live and use one of these Houses of R’lyeh as a member of the Esoteric Order of Dagon, I can appreciate not only the amount of work it takes to put together one of these dread edifices, but also the ripples of psychic terror-waves that they send out to the community.

  8. You know you are reading a work of fiction when you see the huge crowds in front of all these scientologist buildings. Where do they draw this Vatican sized multitudes?! Their Amsterdam building (in one of the most expensive areas of the city) looks so ominous that they could recreate a House of Horrors set.

    As an aside, I always found the reasons (as told in Dutch media) for the failure of scientology in The Netherlands quite hilarious and a testament of their lack of “marketing research”. It’s been said that the church failed around these parts because nobody will ever make a Dutch person pay for something that is freely available through other religions. Moreover, there was a Dutch guy who took and paid for the courses and then attempted to start an Open Source version that he wanted to make available for free to everyone because he claimed getting stuff at a low or no cost was inherent to the local culture. I found the whole thing infinitely amusing.

    1. Where do they get these Vatican-sized crowds? They’re bused in (Sea Org members) or badgered/cajoled/harassed to come (Scientology “public” members). 

  9. I’d actually respect BoingBoing (or The Atlantic, really) if it ran ads from Cthulhu.

    But, seriously. how desperate and craven are you to not only take Scientology money and run their advertisements, but also allow ANY sponsor (let alone Scientologists) to moderate comments?

  10. I am so happy for the people living in eternal screaming pain in each one of the cities fortunate enough to have a Church of Dagon. Aside from the eldritch abominations available, the numerous social programs are truly something to be proud of. These programs bring together entities from all planes of existance and provide much needed community services. Congratulations to Mr.Cthulhu and to Dagonists around the globe helping to make the world a better place.

  11. Another example of a non-story. The article is clearly tagged as sponsored content and that it has nothing to do with Atlantic editorial content. Publications have to make money somehow these days or else they will be gone.

    1. So, you’d be ok if The Atlantic, one of this nation’s oldest and most respected magazines, took out recruitment ads for, say, Al Qaeda? The “sponsored content” tag is easily overlooked, and pains were apparently taken to make the typeface and layout mimic that of the magazines editorial content. To me, that looks like an attempt to mislead readers. 

      In my opinion, one can be judged by the company one keeps…

      1. Who draws the line then? Who do you decide to censor? I don’t personally agree with their views, but I don’t think they exactly compare to a group of murderers. Also, I don’t believe The Atlantic’s intent was to mislead. As a regular reader I always see sponsored content from various companies being promoted. This one just happened to draw more controversy and media attention. The one thing I enjoy about The Atlantic is the intelligent open discourse that it promotes (the censored commenting system in this case is at fault in my opinion). 

        1. Censor? I stopped reading right there because you seem to have no grasp of what censorship means. Hint: a privately owned publication doesn’t owe anyone the right of publication. Only governments/ the State can censor. On the other hand, publications, at least serious ones with a long history, have editorial standards that prevent any loon from paying space to rant about their theory du jour.

        2. Please show me where I’d advocated censorship. The point I was making regarding look and feel was that the scientology folks were clearly trying to blur the line between advertising and editorial content, trading on (and treading on) The Atlantic’s stature, history, good name and goodwill.  The privately owned magazine does not have a responsibility to accept advertisements from anyone willing to fork over the cash… 

        3. It sounds like you are saying that if you were in charge of The Atlantic, you would draw the line in a different place than other people would. Or would you accept any legal ad?

          1.  Accepting legal ads is not the same thing as allowing ads designed to look like editorial content which is what sponsored content is. Doesn’t matter whether it is a Scientology ad in The Atlantic or the crappy watch ads which show up as sponsored content in my Boing Boing RSS feed.

    2. I am amazed by how many people like you believe nobody has any more responsibility over anything if “stuff” gets on the way of making money. To hell with ethics, editorial standards, publication’s history, impact on a community or any other pesky issues, all that matters is financial gain.

  12. That made no sense at all – then I realised it wasn’t about The Ancient Ones, but scientology. Phew. 

    Besides, I think I like this David Miscarriage guy.

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