German soldiers develop left breasts

The German Herald reports that men serving in the elite Wachbataillon unit of the German army are developing breasts on their left pectorals. A doctor who is treating the men says that their trademark close-order drill is at fault, as it has the men repeatedly, violently slamming their guns into the left side of their chest, stimulating mammary growth.

The condition - called one sided gynecomastia - has been diagnosed in 74 per cent of battalion members who presented to army medics with concerns over the growths.

Director of plastic surgery at the military hospital in Berlin, Professor Bjorn Krapohl, confirmed: "There is a very significant link between the activity in the Guard Battalion and the development of the breast on the left side.

"They need to change the way they drill. The constant slamming of the rifles against the left hand side of the chest is clearly a significant factor," he added.

Bra-Gade of Guards (via The Mary Sue)

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  1. So this is the 21st century version of the famous Mensur scars of Heidelberg.

    Somehow lacking the coolness factor.

  2. You just got bit by a lets-make-fun-of-Germans variation on the Onion, according to their prominently linked “about page”… “Professor Bjorn Krapohl” should be a giveaway :)

    1.  Damn.  I was about to speculate about a new rough-and-tumble category of gender transition used by those who are biologically male, but see themselves as women, yet have a rougher way about them.

      “C’MON!  HIT ME AGAIN!  THESE BREASTS AREN’T GOING TO GROW THEMSELVES, YA KNOW!”

      1. Hm.  Looks like this story is hitting other news outlets.

        So I’m going to resume speculating, starting with a longer version of the “HIT ME” thing above…

        “C’MON! HIT ME AGAIN! THESE BREASTS AREN’T GOING TO GROW THEMSELVES, YA KNOW! HIT ME! … AW, WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? YA CALL THAT A PUNCH? YOU’RE NOT EVEN GONNA GET ME TO AN ‘A’ CUP! I’VE GOT YOU UP TO A ‘B’ AT LEAST! I’M MAKIN’ A WOMAN OUT OF YOU, BUT YA AIN’T RETURNIN’ THE FAVOR! LET’S HIT THE WEIGHTS! I’LL SPOT YA.”

        Maybe this is similar to what those transgendered kick boxers in Thailand go through. The training for that sport starts off with lots of punches and kicks to the chest. (That last sentence may not have any truth to it.)

        But, then again, why leave sensitive transformative medical procedures like these to amateurs? Doctors could create practices applying a regimen of expertly well-placed blows to the chest, giving the swelling breasts the desired size and shape over a period of months.

      1. I think in archery it’s the right-side titty that’s the problem. I’m sue the boys in the Bundeswehr could pull a compound bow with a left tit perfectly well, as long as they shoot right-handed.

  3. So why don’t male American soldiers (who are predominantly right-handed) develop right-side adipose? Certainly the repeated kickback from gunfire (in drills or otherwise) against the right pectoral should be more frequent/forceful than the Wachbataillon’s self-battery? And where’s the boob on my penis?

    1. I think they were doing some variation on the parade ground/marching band  rifle drill with the spinning.  When shooting the rifle butt is up where the pecs meet the shoulder joint, where there’s lots of bone and connective tissue. 

  4. “has been diagnosed in 74 per cent of battalion members who presented to army medics with concerns over the growths.”
    In other words, they had, say, 50 male soldiers complain about lopsided breast growth and 37 of those turned out to really have it. 

    This proves what, again?

    1. “out of 211 male patients operated on for the condition [in the whole of Germany, I presume], 35 were from the elite Wachbataillon.”

      I’d say a cluster of 16% of patients is pretty significant.

      1. Oh, all right. I was looking at it like a high school math problem. Not enough information to draw any real conclusion. I never actually thought to go and read the article.

  5. Countdown until breast beatings become the latest spa fad. Or maybe they already are. I’m not really into those things.

    1.  You must not read enough Asian newspapers, breast slapping is all the rage in Thailand for making them larger

  6. “diagnosed in 74 per cent of battalion members” ?That means the other 26% ain’t doing it right. C’Mon Soldier!

  7. If only Judy Blume’s characters had known about this! “We must– [SLAM] — we must — [SLAM] – we MUST inCREASE our BUST! [SLAM]”

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