Using old Soviet Union techniques, Ukrainian scientists trained dolphins to attack and kill swimmers using knives and guns strapped to the heads of said dolphins. Like you do. Today, the dolphins escaped. No word on whether they are armed. (Is it just me, or does this sound like the set-up to a cheapo Eastern European "B" horror movie? I'm imagining screaming spring breakers fleeing evil cetaceans. Day of the Dolphin?)

  • Cynical

    Can I just be the first to say:

    “I, for one, welcome our new dolphin overlords.”

    The line has finally disappeared, and real life has become theonion…
    http://www.theonion.com/articles/dolphins-evolve-opposable-thumbs,284/

    • awjt

       dolphins over lords

      • Gerald Mander

         SEALS over seas

  • ecologist

     ”with frickin’ laser beams attached to their heads.”

    Someone had to say it.

  • http://daruiburns.tumblr.com/ Dlo Burns

    A couple years back PETA or one of it’s affiliates posted pics of a cyborg dolphin and the the inhumane experimentation the military was conducting; except they were screen caps from Johnny Mnemonic. 

    • http://www.youtube.com/user/Freethinkersanon Christopher

      This could almost be a case of life imitating art.

  • katzenfriedel

    “screaming spring breakers”, maybe more like a cheapo american “B” horror movie, ay ?

  • Reverend Loki

    I’m putting the line at 4 weeks until we see this recreated in a SyFy monster-of-the-week movie. 

  • Rob Wheeler

    North Korea has sent its foreign agents on a hunt to acquire these dolphins as the research done on them was years ahead of its own killer dolphin work.

    • http://twitter.com/rvitelli Romeo Vitelli

       Will they be wearing dolphin costumes to entire these escapees into defecting?

  • http://blog.doomsdayzen.com agonist

    Even with George C. Scott, the actual Day of the Dolphin movie does not live up to its awesome premise.

  • http://twitter.com/sqlrob Rob

    Why do they even need armament? Seems like they could kill humans just by ramming

    • awjt

       You watch too much Flipper.

      • http://twitter.com/rvitelli Romeo Vitelli

         Dolphins attack sharks that way.  It works too. 

        • Brainspore

          And sharks don’t even have to stay on the surface to breathe. I’m sure a few good rams to the abdomen would take down the strongest human swimmer in short order.

          • Jamie Norwood

            It isn’t so much that you have to train them to kill, as you have to train them to stop having sex with everything to do so.

  • Fantome_NR

    “Is it just me, or does this sound like the set-up to a cheapo Eastern European “B” horror movie?”

    I was thinking more along the lines of a summer blockbuster starring LL Cool J and Jeff Goldblum.

  • Rich Keller

    They’re just navy guys out looking for a good time. We need to send in Irene Dunn and Ann Miller in wetsuits.

  • http://profile.yahoo.com/MWNNAJTTXSXFUN4A6FLTKAT264 Michael

    “Ukrainian scientists trained dolphins to attack and kill”

    Yet you describe the dolphins as evil cetaceans. We’re the evil ones. Put the blame where it’s due.

    • Boundegar

      Exactly.  These dolphins aren’t terrorists – they’re freedom fighters.

      • http://twitter.com/incarnedine_v Dan Hibiki

        Dolphin:  They drew first blood!

  • Comman Dax

    “So long, and thanks for all the fish!”

  • toobigtofail

    The only thing that stops a bad killer dolphin with knives and guns is a good killer dolphin with knives and guns.

    • Ipo

       Never bring a dolphin with a knife to a dolphins with guns fight. 

  • toobigtofail

    Like the “OY” tag.

  • dgoldenberg

    I’m pretty sure this is fake, or at least the exact same report (with the same photo) about dolphins escaping from the us military 8 years ago was: http://www.gelfmagazine.com/gelflog/archives/conspiracy_theorist.php

    • Wreckrob8

      But Soviet killer dolphins sounds so much more plausible. Never trust a commie.

  • fredh

    The question on if they DO kill is: Are they just products of their conditioned training, or have they commited these murders on porpoise?

    • http://twitter.com/rvitelli Romeo Vitelli

      DAMMIT! I was trying to come up with a pun like that.

  • http://www.facebook.com/creesto Christopher W Lynch

    Knives and guns don’t kill people, dolphins with knives and guns do.

  • http://www.facebook.com/felipe.esquivel Felipe Esquivel Reed

    The plot is perfect for a craptastic SyFy Channel  moive.

    • Antinous / Moderator

      I’m holding out for Stalfin!, in which scientists inject Stalin’s DNA into dolphins and they kill swimmers with five-year plans based on bad data.

  • Justin Duguay

    wow you had to train dolphins do that 

    stereotypical communists

  • Nonentity

    Someone’s really reaching for a way to reboot The A-Team.

  • Kelly M

    It’s not Sunday!

    • Justin Duguay

      huh what do you mean sunday

    • llazy8

      Yeah, gimme a pic of a tarsier with a gun and a knife or gtfu today. 

  • http://fallsastar.com Crashproof

    Let’s just hope they don’t team up with the flame-shooting robotic octopi.

  • howaboutthisdangit

    Are these dolphins actually armed, or will they just be headbutting swimmers?