55 gallon barrel of personal lube now just $1,228.85

The legendary 55-gallon barrel of water-based love lube is now half-off at Amazon. I wasn't quite sure what to say about this slippery deal, myself, but reviewers there dove right in.

Carla was completely drenched, and her momentum slid her to the front door - which she somehow managed to pry open with a pair of oven mitts. The last thing I knew, "No-Fun Carla" was screaming profanities and sliding down three flights of steps. I didn't pay much attention because I was too busy trying to salvage the lube. I managed to get about half of it back into the barrel - the other half probably seeped into Mrs. Pulaski's unit below me. I never bothered to ask if she appreciated the free gift of lubricant. — Jerome Albertson, Topeka

This is a hazard! I've already lost two cats in this thing. There should be a warning sticker or something. I assumed the cats would float, but they sunk like rocks into the lube. And no, it's not what you think. Don't be disgusting. I was trying to create my own cat lube wrestling league. You know, for sickos. — Mark A.

I bought this product thinking it would be the perfect way to disentangle my 5,000-odd porcupines after a peanut butter tanker flipped over in the yard during the nightly feeding frenzy. Instead of separating them, it just made them amorous. Now I have 2500 pregnant female porcupines, 2500 henpecked males desperate to escape, and 6000 lbs of peanut-scented-porcu-poo. — Joel Hruska, Greencastle, Indiana.

Previously. Alas, not available with Prime.


    1. Indeed, I remember reading it then, but coincidentally I was just visited this Amazon listing for the first time in over a year again today, just this very morning.

      Makes me wonder whether possibly Rob reads the same comments on the same front-page Reddit articles I do…

      (Kidding, of course he does.)

        1. You’d think that, but I ordered one of these, and found the quantity was not exactly what was specified: there was only 54 gallons 126 ounces, not the full 55 gallons as advertised.  My whole weekend was ruined.

    1. I believe that’s the same as the J-lube linked below. Also accounts for most of the slime/snot you see in movie special effects.

  1. 55GAL and “Personal”? How much do you need to have before it’s no longer ‘Personal”? When does it become “Lube with intent to distribute”?

  2. I seem to remember that last time, when this was posted, my favourite part was the “People who viewed this item also viewed…” list, which led with the incredible horse mask.  I’m going to go see if I can get that one back on top.  Because really, if the thought of a 55 gallon tub of lube is disturbing, the horse maks is just gravy.


  3. Does it come with a scoop or some kind of ladle for application? Perhaps some kind of hose and pump arrangement so you can keep it in the closet. Mount a dispensing nozzle on the headboard.

      1. Gonna need some of these then, eh? http://www.webstaurantstore.com/solo-075-75-oz-white-paper-souffle-portion-cup-250-box/99939.html

  4. For “people who viewed this also viewed…” I get a NINJA GRAPPLING HOOK. Clearly the internet has moved from the curiosity stage to the experimental stage, and now needs to figure out how to get out of the 55 gallon love lube tub.

    1. Or how to get it into your upstairs apartment. Those pulley arrangements you see in Amsterdam would be useful too. Just thinking about the practicalities here.

    2. Honey? Mommy and daddy are having a bit of a snafu, could you get my laptop and type what I tell you?

  5. If anyone was curious about the utility here ya go:

    55 gallons is a little over 14,000 tablespoons. I’m usually a 1 tablespoon guy for jacking off or vaginal intercourse and somewhere around 2 for anal intercourse.

    I think in this quantity, however, some sort of pump would be needed. But you’re still going to lose a goodly amount just due to it clinging to the drum. Maybe a long-handled silicone spatula would be needed also.

  6. Somebody who viewed this also viewed “Jurassic-Sized Parasaurolopus Dinosaur Statue”.  Makes sense.

  7. 55-gallon tub of love lube, a ninja grappling hook, and camera goggles. Sounds like someone’s making Ocean’s Fourteen for themselves.

    1. I’m getting “Personal Fondue Mugs – Set of Two” in the “People who viewed….”Sounds like more like 1970’s Scando-soft porn to me.

      1.  I’m seeing that, too. As well as the Liquid Image XSC 339BLKApex 339 Video Camera with 0.5-Inch LCD (Black)

    2. Sharp, Provolone Piccante Cheese (Whole Wheel) Approximately 60 Pounds

      I don’t even wanna talk to that guy.

  8. You can make your own considerably cheaper if you just buy enough instant Jello to make a thin soup. Cheaper yet if you can convince your boyfriend that he’s really missing the experience of a lifetime if he doesn’t buy you 100 packs of Jello and quick! ;=) 

  9. As the person who wrote the porcupine review several years ago, I’d like to confirm to all concerned that the porcupines were fine. Eventually. We managed to disentangle the beasts with a combination of spam, astroglide, and a high-speed centrifuge. 

    Unfortunately, there was no way to save the quills. We trucked out 2.5 million quills to Yucca Mountain and the hidden landfill of ET cartridges. There they will rest — silent testament to the folly of this product. 

  10. Only 10 left in stock!  At these prices ($1,228.85) you’d better HURRY, HURRY, HURRY!  As for me, I’ll keep a rapt eye out at Quibids and Beezid.

  11. Recommended by Dr. Manhattan.  And Dr. Manhattan.  And Dr. Manhattan and Dr. Manhattan and Dr. Manhattan…  In fact, five out of five Drs. recommend it.

  12. Obvious, not-so-fun fact: Every industrial product, typically intended for re-packaging and re-sale, comes in barrels — from powdered garlic to perfumes to dishwashing detergent.  

    I once heard a lecture from a Sears executive who based his entire speech, on the true nature of the retail industry, on how Oil of Olay (the face moisturizer that people believe actually works) is produced for barrels, as seen above.    

    Related nerdy quote from Jim Clark, “The only way I know how to make money is bundling and unbundling.”  (I once based an entire lecture on that.)

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