Dear Evolution, get bent

Imaginary letters, in which giraffes, angora rabbits, and emperor penguins air their grievances against the forces of natural selection.


  1. You may have noticed they did not include the letter from the Duckbill Platypus.  The was due to over use of 4 letter words.

    Dear Evolution:


    Yours truly,

    D. B.  Platypus

      1. I’d vote for balancing a bowling ball on top of a six-foot stack of Legoes as the largest problem.

        1.  Breathing, eating/drinking, and talking with the same orifice is a huge problem too.

          1. Think of the cultural implications if we happened to reproduce with that orifice too.

      2.  Having to give birth to what is basically a half-finished fetus because waiting any longer would mean dying thanks to excessive head circumference….yeah, what’s that you’re saying about reproductive organ placement?  =8-O

  2. I’m sure if we think about it we humans could come up with some choice words for evolution. For instance:

    Dear Evolution,
    We look at starfish and see creatures that can lose a major limb and not just survive but grow the damn thing back. But for us a military skirmish–which is something else we want to talk to you about, but that’s another story–or an accident in shop class and we’re done for life. At least you didn’t give echinoderms faces so they don’t go around looking smug.
    Homo sapiens

  3. (Evolution’s response to the ungrateful H. Sapiens)

    Dear H. Sapiens,

    Perhaps if you quit tinkering with my processes, drop the god-complex, and set aside your silly notion of morality for a moment or two, some things might just, you know, EVOLVE and run their due course.  But no.  You’ve always an answer for everything and are quick to point fingers when your lame intellect fails you or your puny emotions get the best of you.

    So piss off and enjoy the mess you’ve made of yourselves.  I’m going out for a smoke.



    (Evolution’s response to the other whiners)

    Dear Ingrates,

    E. Penguin, let me start with you.  Your main purpose is to entertain H. Sapiens (particularly the juveniles) and serve as sustenance for a variety of other species in your habitat.  And for that, you are perfectly designed.  Don’t like your present job — go to penguin college and learn not to constantly shit yourself and your place of residence.  Then we’ll talk.

    Giraffe, what can I say?  Your food is high and your drink is low — a decision had to be made one way or another.  You can’t have cake and eat it too, after all.  As a consolation, I made you rather pretty.  So deal with it.  You’re not that bad off.  And the Gazelle rather like it when you bend over like that.  Rawr.

    A. Rabbit — sorry man.  Meth is a hell of a drug.  You could wash that mop every now and again, though.  It would go a long way.



    1.  Humanity’s Response to the Response:

      It’s OK, we’ve pretty much got this genetics thing licked at this point. We’ll be able to fix all your fuck ups soon enough…

  4. Reminds me a bit of Doctor Tatiana’s Sex Advice to all Creation (by Olivia Judson) ( which just sticks to one area of evolutionary biology but has a similar sense of be/amusement.

  5. Dear evolution,

    Why, in the humour department, did you give biologists such heavy hands?

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