Homophobic attorney general, foiled by Constitution, announces Plan B

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56 Responses to “Homophobic attorney general, foiled by Constitution, announces Plan B”

  1. OH NO, it is BJ-urglar! Out to steal our BJs!
     

  2. oasisob1 says:

    It looks like the one in the second picture is there to help.

    • GawainLavers says:

      Mechahentai!

    • Origami_Isopod says:

      Both of them are. The first one offers dual-setting autoerotic asphyxiation. Only one of the two guys looks interested in that, however.

    • thaum says:

      “It looks like you’re about to engage in acts of wanton carnality. Would you like help with that?”

      • Preston Sturges says:

        “Sy Borg”
        (Frank Zappa)

        Little wires,
        pliers, tires
        They turn me on
        Maybe I’m crazy
        Maybe I’m crazy
        Maybe I’m crazy,
        mon…

        Stroking several of SY’s gleaming appendages, JOE continues…

        Gee, Sy
        This is a real groovy
        apartment
        You’ve got here

        Sy Borg:
        All government
        sponsored recreational
        services are clean and
        efficient

        Joe:
        This is exciting
        I never plooked
        A tiny chrome-plated
        machine
        That looks like a
        magical pig
        With marital aids
        stuck all over it
        Such as yourself
        before

        Sy Borg:
        You’ll love it!
        It’s a way of life.

        Joe:
        Does that mean
        maybe later
        You’ll plook me…

        Sy Borg:
        If you wish, we may
        have a groovy orgy

        Joe:
        Just me and you?

        Sy Borg:
        I share this apartment
        With a modified
        Gay Bob doll
        He goes all the way…
        Ever try oral sex with
        a miniature rubberized
        homo-replica?

        Joe:
        No, ah, not yet,
        Ah, is this him?

        Sy Borg:
        This is him.
        Your wish is
        his command
        He likes you
        He wants to kiss
        you always
        Just tell him what
        you want

        Joe:
        Really?
        Hi, little guy
        Think I might get a
        tiny, but exciting
        Blow…job…

        Gimme dat,
        gimme dat
        Blow job…
        Gimme dat, give me
        de chromium cob.

        Sy Borg:
        Bend over.

        Joe:
        Gay Bob
        Blow job
        Gimme dat,
        gimme dat
        Blow job
        Gimme dat, give me
        de chromium cob

        Sy Borg:
        You’ll love it!
        It looks just like a
        TeleFunken U-47.

        Joe:
        Little leather cap
        and trousers
        They look so gay..
        Warren just bought some
        Warren just bought some
        Warren just bought some
        Hey…

        Sy Borg:
        Bob is tired.
        Plook me now,
        You savage rascal
        Ehhh! That tickles.
        You are a fun person
        I like you.
        I want to kiss
        you always.

        Joe:
        Gee, this is great
        How’s about some
        bondage and
        humiliation

        Sy Borg:
        Anything you say,
        master.

        Joe:
        Oh no, I don’t believe
        it
        You’re way more fun
        than Mary…

        Sy Borg:
        You’re plooking
        too hard…

        Joe:
        And cleaner than
        Lucille…

        Sy Borg:
        Plooking on me…

        Joe:
        What have I
        been missing
        All these years?

        Sy Borg:
        Too hard

        Joe:
        Sy…

        Sy Borg:
        Too hard

        Joe:
        Sy…

        Sy Borg:
        Plooking too hard
        on me-e-e-e-e…

        Joe:
        Speak to me
        Oh no…
        The golden shower
        must have shorted out
        His master circuit
        He’s, he’s, oh my God
        I must have
        plooked him…
        Hey
        To death…
        Hey

  3. GawainLavers says:

    Can we cut to the chase and say “Self-hating homophobic…” or are we respecting his closet?

    • poisonoustoad says:

      why do you assume this? imo its really kinda problematic to act like all homophobia stems from self-hating lgbt folks, not to mention the chicken-and-egg logic loop it implies

      • Ito Kagehisa says:

        I get what you’re saying, and I don’t know how say this right, but even though my rational mind (or whatever passes for it) says stolidly “you can’t make that assumption” I’ve still got this Homer Simpson voice in the back of my head going “Pffft!  Get real! He’ll be caught in bed with the pool boy any day now!.

        • poisonoustoad says:

          yeah precedent isn’t in my favour here is it? i think its important to remember that homophobia is *straight ppl’s* fault though. 

          • Ito Kagehisa says:

            Well, I’d rather blame the mainstream of Judeo-Christian religions personally, but again I do get what you mean.

        • GawainLavers says:

          That, my friend, is your “gay-dar”.

          Of course, most homophobes aren’t closeted:  Pat Robertson doesn’t trigger it, but Ted Haggard?  Did anyone ever have any doubts?  And of course Ken-doll here.

          • Ito Kagehisa says:

            Can’t be; I have the worst gaydar imaginable.  I’m not sure I even figured out Liberace before somebody told me!  Lucky for me I don’t much care if people are gay or not, or I’d constantly be dropping my monocle into my drink.

        • oasisob1 says:

          Impossible. Pool boys never use the bed.

    • Snig says:

      He also hates science.  He’s tried to persecute Mann for fraud.  Doesn’t mean he’s secretly a scientist. 

      • GawainLavers says:

        Actually he has a degree in mechanical engineering, and I can’t think of a better definition of engineer than “a closeted, self-hating scientist”.

        • Snig says:

          Now now, without engineers, the scientists would continually be talking about the amazing things they theoretically could do but nothing would be done and no one would believe them.  Also, bridges are much nicer then taking ferries or wading rivers.  

          • Antinous / Moderator says:

            Also, bridges are much nicer then taking ferries or wading rivers.

            The Pevensies would disagree with you on that.

  4. UncaScrooge says:

    When you consider the fact that there are actual political foes to the nearly universally enjoyed act that is fellatio, you start to understand the staggering breadth of human experience and the varieties of personal opinion. Don’t tell this guy about that, though.

    • anon0mouse says:

      Oh, I think he knows.  I suspect his routine of playing bathroom stall toothbrush are getting a little stale, so he figured he’d spice things up with his crack-addled man-whore by making his coit-du-jour illegal.

    • Antinous / Moderator says:

      I grew up surrounded by Catholic families with six to twelve children crammed into tiny two and three bedroom houses because… contraception bad. People will believe anything.

  5. knoxblox says:

     “The lady doth protest too much, methinks.”

    -Queen Gertrude, Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Act III, scene II

    Sounds like somebody’s feeling guilty about their porn viewing habits…

    Edit: I posted this earlier, but obviously it didn’t take.

  6. chgoliz says:

    I thought it would be funny to find out his educational background as a way to show he couldn’t possibly construct such robots.

    “Attorney General Cuccinelli earned a degree in mechanical engineering from the University of Virginia, a master’s degree in International Commerce and Policy from George Mason University, and his juris doctor from the George Mason University School of Law and Economics.”

    Oops.  So this isn’t entirely an idle threat, after all.  It’s just bigoted and stupid.

  7. dioptase says:

    Luckily he’s not a lawmaker.  He’s in the administrative branch, not legislative.

    •  Yet.  He’s planning a run for governor.  He’s thought to have approximately 50/50 chance of winning the GOP nomination. 

      • GlyphGryph says:

         Governors… still aren’t lawmakers.

        • Snig says:

          He has veto power, including line-item veto.  So he can unmake laws, and change laws,  so while he doesn’t write them or vote on them himself, he can attempt a re-write.  Also, some of his adminstrative and executive functions can directly effect how they’re executed, and the prominence of his position means he gets a bully pulpit to influence the state legislature.   

      • Airdrummer says:

         and if this posterboy 4 the american taliban is elected, n.va should follow w.va:-

  8. Navin_Johnson says:

    You should start including the twitter addresses of these “christ what an asshole types” to encourage everybody to say hi.

    @KenCuccinelli
     

  9. Humbabella says:

    Okay, can someone clarify – did he actually threaten to unleash robots?  I feel like I shouldn’t have to ask this.

  10. For the record – Amazing Stories supports robotic BJs and the robots who want to give and/or receive them. 

  11. Christopher says:

    As a resident of Tennessee I’m glad I can point to the East and say, “Well at least we’re not that stupid.”

    Or at least I wish I could do that. 

  12. Nash Rambler says:

    Is this guy a Venture Bros. nemesis?  Because truly, this evil plan has all the hallmarks of twisted genius.

  13. Cowicide says:

    Do people still think it’s a good idea not to vote for the lesser evil?  How’s that working out for you?  Not voting against Republicans is like voting for them.  If you don’t vote, don’t complain about these idiots.

    • Navin_Johnson says:

       It worked out as expected for me, Obama and the local Democrats got elected regardless….

      • Ito Kagehisa says:

        A lot of Delaware Republicans voted for Christine O’Donnell in order to get Democrat Chris Coons elected.  The GOP leadership were enraged by this and actually opposed their own primary winner openly, which Democrats found extremely amusing.

        Unfortunately Coons has not turned out as well as we hoped – perhaps that ethics degree didn’t really “take” – but he was better than any of the alternatives at the time (especially O’Donnell!).

  14. Um…homophobic or not, aren’t most of the participants in oral sex hetero?  

    • DreamboatSkanky says:

      I’ll get back to you.

    • Humbabella says:

      Well, given the ratio of heterosexuals to homosexuals, even if all homosexuals participated in oral sex it would be very hard to believe there weren’t more heterosexuals doing it.  I’d hardly be surprised if there were more heterosexuals than homosexuals having anal sex as well.

      But you know that it’s still immoral, right?

    • Tribune says:

      We need that breast examining doctor to get onto that.

  15. TripleE78 says:

    The Cooch is a big fan of drone strikes, so this isn’t outside the realm of possibility.

  16. I just love the expression “blow job foe.”

  17. dark says:

    it’s the United States Court of Appeals for the Fourth Circuit, no the Fourth Court. if you’re going to make fun of the AG for being an idiot, you need to use the proper name.

  18. eris_kallisti says:

    Yikes! That picture of Cuccinelli reminds me of the Elevator Operator from The 5,000 Fingers of Dr. T.  Truly Terrifying.

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