Satan's Spiritual Scorecard: how'd you do?

This list of the components of Satan's Spiritual Structure appears on handouts given to attendees at San Diego Comic-Con by evangelical picketers. It seems to originate with a Jack Chick Tract, though I'm not sure if the protesters elaborated on the original or if it came from ChickCorp itself. Still, it's a great party game: I scored 20. How'd you do?

Update: Mark posted this last year and it turns out it's a hoax handout, parodying those infamous Chick tracts. Too good to be true, I suppose.


  1. There’s rock and heavy metal, but no EDM….

    Someone needs to show them some an Aphex Twin or Prodigy video. I think their soul would be consumed by Satan himself if I put on a Lords Of Acid track…
    Or is this now classified under the cyberpunk culture?

    And remember your only true way to salvation, carnivorism.

    1. Actual crime, as well as revenge, envy, greed, hatred, antisemitism, racism, torture, misogyny, slavery, incest, child marriage, wife beating……

    2. As pointed out in another forum, Discordianism is actually not on the list, and neither is the Church of the Sub-Genius. Hale Eris! fnord

    1. What, that they’ll get to go to Christian Band heaven while all the good parties are in hell?

      1. Christian Bands!  They’re the worse of all because they’re Quislings!  See  which is my favourite Chick Tract of all: not least of which because it’s Postmodern since the protagonist is saved when someone slips him a Chick Tract!

  2. XTC? Poor Andy Partridge has enough anxiety issues without having his band on a list of Satanic elements.

  3. Vegetarianism?  Really?  Lycanthropy I can see, all the people I knew who got into lycanthropy were on a one way trip to hell.  And don’t get me started about Twilight movies – you will find yourself clawing at your eyes within an hour. 

    But vegetarianism?  Someone has a laundry list of bogeys and cultural assumptions that I find terrifying.

    1. It looks like despite his cuteness and concern for cephalopods, little Luiz is going to hell.

    2. It’s amazing the amount of crap I’ll get sometimes for ordering a salad. With meat. Some people seem to take that as a personal affront.

      I shudder to think of what it’s like for actual vegetarians.

      1. It’s amazing the amount of crap people will give you for whatever you eat. Could I have that without croutons or dressing? No… really… please… 

    3. Imagine how pissed off the Seventh-Day Adventists must be right now to find out that all their devotion to God *and* health through vegetarianism is actually sending them to hell.  Well, at least they’re living 4-10 years longer before shipping off to Satan.

    4. And don’t get me started about Twilight movies

      Worse than The Golden Girls?

  4. I get where they are coming from with postmodernism.  Or at least, I can deconstruct their assumptions and redefine the text for maximum personal ego boost. Few things are less excruciating than trying to have a conversation with someone who has read a couple books about postmodernism (or, Satan forbid, taken a first year course in it).

    1. For an added twist, take an advanced course in film discourse with a roomful of master’s students while a senior undergrad. My advisor might as well have taken my brain and heart out and stomped on them for all it mattered.

      1.  I was just gonna say, I’m with them on postmodernism.

        And, yeah, it’s not enough to simply watch and enjoy The Graduate.  Let’s watch that summer montage a seventh time….

    1. You wanna add “Reposting on Boing Boing” to Satan’s Spiritual Scorecard?
      Personally, I don’t mind the reposts that much, there’s always a fresh spin to them in the comments, and also because, you know, Satan (thrusts index and pinkie fingers up).

  5. This may be the closest link you’ll ever see between “Dungeons and Dragons” and “fornication”.

  6. Hoax or not, I tied with Cory.  It could have been more, but I’m a little bit of a skeptic.

  7. Even though it’s a parody, it’s worth noting that some Christians say this kind of stuff, and that it’s not supported by the bible verses cited.

    Ephesians 6:12 says “We
    aren’t fighting against human enemies but against rulers, authorities,
    forces of cosmic darkness, and spiritual powers of evil in the heavens.” Which is pointing blame away from individuals and toward what we now see as social structures and power relations (and ya, spiritual influences). Deuteronomy 18:9-12 does not mention Satan, although it does wag a finger at practices (sign reading, divination, etc) that were common to other religions. This was sort of like boundary-work, and the new testament spends a lot of time explaining that such divisions are not as important as was thought. Does anyone know if “Satan’s Spiritual Structure” is actually a thing? Is that a Christian concept? It would be interesting to know.

    1. Harry Potter and Ouija boards aren’t on the list even though the Bible says to kill sorcerers and fortune tellers. 

  8. Hmm I’m probably doing fairly well according to that.  There is the video games, the beard is getting close to lycanthropy and I worry my vnc use gets me a dose of the remote viewing.

    1. I guess there are other ways to make a living but, yes, remote viewing is an everyday part of my job.  It got so much easier after they added mstsc to Windows.

  9. Surely there are many neuron-wasting items on the list, but maybe besides the “Don’t” column, they could have put a “Do” column with, I dunno, Xenophobia on it.

    Postmodernism, Vegetarianism? LOL!  And WTF, Trilateralism?

    The practice of engaging in three-party relations, agreements, or negotiations

    Maybe they missed a few, so I’ll help them out:
    The Enlightenment. General Relativity. Quantum Mechanics. The Democratic National Convention.  Obamacare.

    But in all seriousness, on Satan’s Spiritual Scorecard, I’d add The Kardashians, Hipsterism and Christian Country Music.

      1. Ah!  Got it, but it would also seem to be a satanic shadow world government.  So following the pamphlet’s logic, if I work for this satanic shadow government, the christian thing to do is to hand in my resignation.  Because as an evangelical fundamentalist working for them for years, I never noticed they were satanic.

        This is fun!  High on coffee and vaping my electronic cigarette, I’m having a blast this Sunday morning!

  10. I look forward to BoingBoing posting and then retracting this every summer from now ’til the end of the world (2017, natch).

  11. I actually have seen people from Chick’s congregation handing out (much sought after!) Tracts at Comic Con but this isn’t one of them.

    1. Many years ago, my wife and I bought the entire set form them.

      We made sure to buy exactly enough merchandise to get the number 666 to appear in the total price.

  12. I’m glad people enjoyed our Chick tract parody (which can be viewed if you click the links on Cory’s post).  While this parody tract was a promotion for our online film Ivy League Exorcist: The Bobby Jindal, I agree with poster Oliver Crosby that many fundamentalists believe these things.  In fact, as the author/artist of the tract,  I  got a lot of the things for the list from Chick tracts and the writings of former Chick Publications author Rebecca Brown. 

    1. Nice work.  The Poe factor was high enough to fool BB editors two years running.  I consider it a yearly oportunity to see if my score has increased.  Sadly, I’m still hanging at 16. :'(

  13. Christianity is an Eastern religion, from a Western perspective, isn’t it?

    Kabbalah is Jewish.

    Lord of the Rings is Christian.

    Wicca probably comes from a root meaning sacred. Wulfila’s use of weihs in preference to hailags, thus wehnai namo þein in the atta unsar, may be related. But actually looking at that would involve “Goth [sic] culture.”

  14. Damn; how can I have gotten so old and tried so few of those? Oh well, I don’t have too much on my social calendar this week so let’s start at the top…

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