Maker Mayhem: Granny & Shady Lady
If you’re buying press-on fingernails and fake eyelashes and nylon wigs to glue onto human figures made of old queen-size support pantyhose, Matt Maranian has a warning for you...
... you’ve slid way past the realm of “craft project” and crossed the threshold into some kind of personal hell for which there is probably a psychiatric diagnosis — and no return.
This horror show from 1982 is arguably the lowest point of a very dark but fortunately short-lived period in which pantyhose were considered a viable crafting medium. And clearly, the world of pantyhose crafts was one without boundaries, as evidenced by “Granny and Shady Lady.”
There are so many questions worth asking here, the first being the obvious: Why? Is there a need being met or a purpose being served for the Maker? And why—of all the characters one could build from pantyhose and polyester fiberfill—did the creator of this project decide on an old lady and what we can safely assume is a woman who has sex for money? There are also the burning questions about their relationship and the missing backstory. Mother and daughter? Madam and whore? Are they both whores? Are we supposed to be in Amsterdam? Are these figures fully functional?
It’s only when you read through all seventy-nine steps of this project that you really get a sense of what a truly sick journey this is: the days spent stuffing support hose and shaping arms and feet and torsos and stitching eye sockets and ears, working through bits of instruction like “force the rod into the cavity in the center of the head (Figure K),” and what about the steps this how-to never covers? Like the time you’ll have to spend shopping for Granny’s housedress and her granny boots or slippers, and a slutty little number for Shady Lady. Their wigs and their fingernails. Their panties. The instructions say to “make up the face exactly as you would your own,” and even suggest using real eyebrow pencil. The instructions also refer to these ladies in quotes: “ladies,” as if they weren’t born female. Dubious.
The caption of this photo tells us that by seating them in your living room, Granny and Shady Lady “may possibly scare off uninvited guests.” I’m pretty sure this hot mess would do a pretty great job of scaring off invited guests too, and possibly everybody else in your life as well because what kind of disturbed freak would want to fabricate an old lady and a blonde prostitute out of queen-sized support pantyhose and ensconce them in their living room like big throw pillows? How fast would you run for the exit if you walked into the home of someone you just started dating and saw these? This is cock block of the highest order.
Maker Mayhem is a column of low moments in how-to history.
Here’s a vegetable gardener who didn’t want to share his bounty with slugs and snails, so he strung an electric barrier around the perimeter of his raised bed garden. Anytime a voracious mollusk attempts to enter the garden, it must first crawl over a pair of electrified wires, where it receives a mild shock sufficient […]
My DIY project book, Maker Dad is just $2 as a Kindle right now.
If you cut a zip-tie tail with scissors, it leaves a sharp-edged stub. In this video, you’ll learn how to use pliers to twist of the tail, which creates a stub without a sharp tail. I just tried it (above photo) and it works. On the left is twist method. On the right is the […]
The Pry.Me Bottle Opener holds tens of thousands of times its own weight, and you can pick one up now from the Boing Boing Store.This remarkable keychain is considerably smaller than any of your keys, but don’t let that fool you: it can easily open any bottle, and could even tow a trailer full of […]
Guaranteeing your privacy online goes way beyond checking the “Do Not Track” option in your browser’s settings. To ensure that your internet activity is totally hidden from Internet Service Providers, advertisers, and other prying eyes, take a look at Windscribe’s VPN protection. It usually costs $7.50 per month, but you can get a 3-year subscription […]
This project management bundle will help you get organized and learn how to lead a team to success. You can pay what you want for these five courses when you pick them up from the Boing Boing Store.To help you become an invaluable asset for your company, this bundle includes a curated collection of professional […]