There's nothing sweeter than poetic justice, and Jamie Lauren Kelles's "Millennial Revenge Fantasy" meets and exceeds Dante for grotesque punishments that perfectly fit the crime.
1) Subprime lending, 2) Large scale environmental destruction, 3) Codifying and enshrining an insidious form of systemic racism, 4) Using up all the Quaaludes, 5) Selfie Shaming, 6) Buying us off-brand Sleek Skoots when we explicitly asked for Razor scooters (pause for SquareSpace promo), 7) Factory farming, 8) Saying you are cool with gay people as long as you don't have to see them, 9) Tori Amos nostalgia, 10) Being raisiny skin-sacks of irrelevance.
We have brought you here to do penance for your sins.
Your torture will begin each morning with a hearty bowl of print magazines and crude oil. Eat standing up like the sticks-in-the-mud that you are, for laziness is ours now. You bestowed it upon us alongside crumbling public transit infrastructure and deindustrialized urban centers. No coffee.
At 10a.m. you will engage in physical fitness in the food court. The Presidential Fitness Test is a program designed to instill America's youth with lifelong exercise habits. You only live once (#YOLO) so get moving. Sit and reach for the unattainable delusion of a financially-secure future. May the dull tone of the PACER ring in your ears until it is finally confirmed that nary a child has been left behind.
A Millennial Revenge Fantasy [Jamie Lauren Keiles/Hairpin]
(via Waxy)
