Parasites are threatening to "destroy the human race," claims the National Examiner, which coincidentally is what this week's tabloid magazines also appear to have in mind.
Just like the Examiner's "evil bugs" with "the power to turn us into zombies," the tabloids try to burrow into our brains with their latest mindless worm-like ravings.
Comedy legend Robin Williams' death "is now a murder probe" claims the Globe, reporting that the case has been re-opened as "cops probe brutal murder!"
But read the story and you learn that the case has not be reopened by police; it's merely Globe's rent-a-quote "investigators" speculating wildly, accompanied by a disturbing photo purporting to show Williams' corpse with horrific strangulation marks around his neck. This is the same discredited photo which in 2014 was proven not to be Williams after being traced back to a Spanish website specializing in strangulation. But that hasn't stopped the Globe reprinting the image, even with its own caution: "the authenticity is in question." No kidding.
Happy marriages simply aren't allowed in the tabloids' version of Hollywood. Jennifer Aniston's marriage is "in crisis" because husband Justin Theroux is away filming in Australia, claims the Globe, and John Travolta's marriage to Kelly Preston is heading toward a $275 million divorce, claims the Enquirer, which for years has repeatedly floated this story questioning the actor's sexuality, in the forlorn hope that one day it may be proven right.
"Hillary will never be President!" screams the Enquirer's cover, accusing her of treason for leaking US intelligence, bribery for accepting a $145 million Russian "payoff" to the Clinton Foundation, and conspiracy for the Benghazi attack. "This means the end of Crooked Hillary," a source tells the Enquirer, suspiciously echoing Donald Trump's language to describe her. "You can stick a fork in her. She's done!"
With such parasitic thoughts worming their way into tabloid-lovers' brains, what will they make of the Globe's full-page ad for a "Barack and Michelle Obama Commemorative Tribute" limited edition "heirloom-quality" statuette, nearly 12 inches tall and incredibly life-like: Barack in tuxedo and white tie, Michelle in red off-the-shoulder halter gown, both waving and smiling? Will they use the "hand-cast, hand-painted sculpture" for AR-15 target practice? Search the statuette's "marble-look" base for a "Made in Kenya" stamp? Use it as a fancy spatula to flip their Trump Steaks on the grill?
"Dolly Parton in Gun Threat Drama!" screams the Enquirer. You'd be forgiven for thinking that the singer was threatened by a gunman – but no. Dolly was nowhere near when her brother opened the door to his Tennessee home with a gun in hand . . . because the Enquirer was knocking on his door. Seems like a reasonable response to me.
Muhammad Ali was a "gentle giant nobody knew," according to the Enquirer, but to the Globe he led a "shocking double life," leaving behind "four love children and died a victim of elder abuse."
North Carolina blonde Pixee Fox has spent $125,000 to look like Jessica Rabbit, including having six ribs removed, liposuction, body sculpting, four rhinoplasties, four breast augmentations, cheek and lip injections, and having her eyes made a permanent neon green, reports the Globe, breaking the news only seven months after this story appeared everywhere from the New York Daily News to the UK's Daily Mirror. Perhaps better never than late?
People magazine devotes its cover and eight pages inside to remembering those slain in the June 12 Orlando mass shooting, and even Us magazine gives up two pages to report how celebrities and the rest of the world memorialized and mourned the attack. Of course, Us devotes the same amount of space to Oprah Winfrey, who proves that the stars are just like us – as long as you fly 20 loaves of your favorite bread over from South Africa because American bread just doesn't ring your bell. Oprah admits: "I've literally been in hotels and brought my own: 'Please, can you toast this? I have my own bread.'" Marie Antoinette had nothing on her.
But the stars are just like us, insists Us magazine, showing celebrities texting while cycling, eating ice cream cones, carrying packages and shopping for groceries like Alicia Vikander, pictured amid the fruit aisle in a market in Sydney, Australia, presumably because she prefers to fly to her food than have it flown to her.
Us mag's crack investigative team tells us that Beyonce wore it best, Chelsea Handler doesn't like water but loves chicken nuggets, and that Ashley Tisdale carries a vegan smoothie, lip gloss and hand cream in her goatskin Givenchy satchel.
Leave it to the Examiner to tell us that a pet parrot could be poised to testify in a Michigan murder trial because the victim's family believe the African grey witnessed the slaying – and could tell whodunnit. As risible as this seems, it appears to be one of the rare accurate stories in this week's tabloids, though whether the court will admit evidence from a genuine stool-pigeon is open to doubt.
As for the zombie parasite threat that could "destroy the human race," the Examiner is simply dipping into some of nature's more wondrously destructive microscopic killing machines, from Toxoplasma gondii to Trypanosoma, and good old-fashioned rabies. The Examiner delights in the threat of Naegleria fowleri, calling it "the insanity amoeba" which "chews through a host's brain," leading to hallucinations, unconsciousness and death – a fate almost as debilitating as reading the tabloids every week.
Onwards and downwards . . .
