Skyjacker D.B. Cooper living like royalty in Nepal, and other tabloid stunners

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[My friend Peter Sheridan is a Los Angeles-based correspondent for British national newspapers. He has covered revolutions, civil wars, riots, wildfires, and Hollywood celebrity misdeeds for longer than he cares to remember. As part of his job, he must read all the weekly tabloids. For the past couple of years, he's been posting terrific weekly tabloid recaps on Facebook and has graciously given us permission to run them on Boing Boing. Enjoy! - Mark]

Why let facts get in the way of a good story?

Princess Diana was assassinated with a lethal injection administered by a British agent on the orders of Prince Charles, who could face murder charges, concludes an “explosive new autopsy” conducted “after her body was exhumed last year,” reports the Globe.

Only one problem with the story. Diana’s body has never been exhumed. So there’s no new autopsy report, and no murder charges. In fact, her grave has been allowed to grow over with foliage and return to nature, giving the lie to any “secret” exhumation.

The Globe's laissez-faire attitude to facts is summed up in its story on the CIA’s “X-Files” allegedly proving that “UFOs are visiting Earth.” Tucked away in the final paragraph is a so-called "intelligence insider” saying: “While these reports don’t actually confirm the sightings - they sure don’t disprove them either.”

It’s a philosophy evident in the Globe's “world exclusive” interview with fugitive jet hijacker D. B. Cooper, missing for 44 years since he parachuted from a plane over Oregon with $200,000 in ransom money. Read the rest

Tabloids: Drunk Obama resigns, Sanders is a Russian spy, Unabomber has a baby

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[My friend Peter Sheridan is a Los Angeles-based correspondent for British national newspapers. He has covered revolutions, civil wars, riots, wildfires, and Hollywood celebrity misdeeds for longer than he cares to remember. As part of his job, he must read all the weekly tabloids. For the past couple of years, he's been posting terrific weekly tabloid recaps on Facebook and has graciously given us permission to run them on Boing Boing. Enjoy! - Mark]

It’s America’s worst nightmare.

Faced with the existential threats of terrorism, global warming, nuclear proliferation and Donald Trump, the National Enquirer reports that “America’s worst nightmare” is . . . the possibility that jailed Unabomber Ted Kaczynski may have secretly fathered a child.

Sure, that’s what keeps me awake at night.

There’s a wealth of speculative, fanciful, thin-as-air and barely-there shock-horror stories in this week’s tabloids.

Bernie Sanders could be a Russian spy, “flipped" during a 1988 visit to Moscow, says the Enquirer. “Vlad's been pulling Bernie’s strings for decades,” a former Secret Service agent, evidently on first name terms with Russian premier Putin, reportedly tells the Enquirer.

Actress and singer Cher “shares her dying secrets” in a new memoir, and the National Enquirer has all the details - except she hasn’t written the book yet.

The unwritten memoir also reportedly reveals “why she didn’t have sex with Elvis Presley and Marlon Brando.” Hopefully we can look forward to sequels in which Cher reveals she didn’t have sex with Albert Einstein, O.J. Simpson, and Bernie Sanders. Read the rest

Psychic breakthrough could save your life, and other tabloid stunners

bloids2111

[My friend Peter Sheridan is a Los Angeles-based correspondent for British national newspapers. He has covered revolutions, civil wars, riots, wildfires, and Hollywood celebrity misdeeds for longer than he cares to remember. As part of his job, he must read all the weekly tabloids. For the past couple of years, he's been posting terrific weekly tabloid recaps on Facebook and has graciously given us permission to run them on Boing Boing. Enjoy! - Mark]

A sensational medical breakthrough means you’ll never have to go to a doctor or psychiatrist again for an accurate clinical diagnosis.

How else does one explain the extraordinary medical assessments of the stars in this week’s supermarket tabloids, based on just a photograph or two?

AMA could learn a few things from these tabloids medical experts.

TV’s Friends star Matthew Perry is suspected of a “drug relapse because the actor “looks horrible,” says Dr. Stuart Fischer, “who has not treated 46-year-old Matthew but reviewed recent photos of the actor,” according to the National Enquirer. “He looks ill-kempt and homeless,” says the doc, which as any dedicated tabloid reader will tell you, is a dangerous medical condition.

Angelina Jolie is an “anorexic wasting away,” alleges the Enquirer, riding one of its favorite rail-thin hobby horses. They enlist Dr. Art Mollen of Arizona to determine, based on photographs, that Angie needs hospitalization “immediately,” plus a team of “psychiatrists, cardiologists, nutritionists and even the family” to save her life. The Enquirer adds, in stark red headlines almost two inches tall, that she weighs "82 lbs” - an assessment that can only mean they are now hiring former fairground hucksters who used to “Guess Your Weight” at carnival midway stands. Read the rest

Everything you know about celebrity deaths is wrong

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[My friend Peter Sheridan is a Los Angeles-based correspondent for British national newspapers. He has covered revolutions, civil wars, riots, wildfires, and Hollywood celebrity misdeeds for longer than he cares to remember. As part of his job, he must read all the weekly tabloids. For the past couple of years, he's been posting terrific weekly tabloid recaps on Facebook and has graciously given us permission to run them on Boing Boing. Enjoy! - Mark]

“Hollywood Death Mysteries Solved!”

Natalie Wood, Bruce Lee, Sonny Bono, and David Carradine were all murdered, and Richard Burton was beaten to death.

That’s according to the expert forensic authority known in academic circles as Globe magazine.

Solved?

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

Those of us who thought Sonny Bono died after skiing at high speed into a tree were evidently fooled by brilliant “drug assassins” who beat him to death and planted his body on a ski slope. Because what could be easier than dragging a dead body up a mountain in deep snow?

Autopsy photos “could reveal Natalie Wood’s death was a murder.” Because even though medical examiners, police and prosecutors have viewed the photos, the truth won’t be known until the Globe’s pet attorney has seen the pictures. There you go – solved!

Richard Burton got into a bar brawl two days before he died. Though officials ruled that long-standing illnesses killed the actor, the Globe assures us it was the fight that killed him. Read the rest

Obama accused of "bungling and treachery," and other tabloid stunners

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[My friend Peter Sheridan is a Los Angeles-based correspondent for British national newspapers. He has covered revolutions, civil wars, riots, wildfires, and Hollywood celebrity misdeeds for longer than he cares to remember. As part of his job, he must read all the weekly tabloids. For the past couple of years, he's been posting terrific weekly tabloid recaps on Facebook and has graciously given us permission to run them on Boing Boing. Enjoy! - Mark]

When the National Enquirer goes on the warpath to expose your deepest, darkest secrets, you know you’re in trouble - unless you’re Donald Trump.

The Enquirer uncovers Trump’s “secret life,” revealing “the Donald Trump nobody knows.”

A team of crack investigative reporters blow the lid off the presidential candidate’s greatest scandals: Trump “has quietly donated a huge chunk of his fortune to charity - and is a doting dad to his young son.” I’m shocked, shocked I tell you.

Enquirer stablemate the Globe offers equally fair and balanced reporting, under its headline “Impeach Obama!”

The president is accused of “bungling and treachery,” which certainly sounds like constitutional grounds for impeachment to me.

It’s another fabulously fact-challenged week in the tabloids. The Globe claims that Queen Elizabeth is "flat broke” after squandering her $2 billion fortune on “covering up scandals and feeding (her) horse racing addiction.” Not to worry – she can always make a few quid selling her story to the tabloids.

The Globe also informs us that aviatrix Amelia Earhart not only survived her 1937 plane crash in the South Pacific but lived out her days hiding under an assumed name – Craigmile Bolam – in Bedford, New Jersey, until her death in 1982. Read the rest

J. Edgar Hoover’s “Kennedy blackmail files” revealed, and other tabloid stunners

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[My friend Peter Sheridan is a Los Angeles-based correspondent for British national newspapers. He has covered revolutions, civil wars, riots, wildfires, and Hollywood celebrity misdeeds for longer than he cares to remember. As part of his job, he must read all the weekly tabloids. For the past couple of years, he's been posting terrific weekly tabloid recaps on Facebook and has graciously given us permission to run them on Boing Boing. Enjoy! - Mark]

Bill Cosby “will die in jail,” J. Edgar Hoover’s “Kennedy blackmail files” have been revealed, and Jennifer Lopez reveals her “secrets for staying young,” which inexplicably doesn't include being born with her parents’ DNA and acquiring several million dollars to maintain one's looks.

But if we’re looking for logic and facts, this week’s tabloids aren't the best place to find them.

Angelina Jolie has adopted a seventh child “behind Brad’s back,” claims the Enquirer. You think he might notice, sooner or later?

Elvis Presley was murdered to prevent him from running off with an alleged lover he bedded 24 years earlier, the Enquirer also claims.

And to complete its trifecta, the Enquirer claims that Kurt Cobain was murdered because the fatal shotgun shell was found to the left of his body though the weapon’s chamber ejects shells to the right.

Let’s get real. Shell casings bounce. Presley wasn’t about to leave his young fiancé for an old hookup. And Angelina’s “adopted” son is still part of a family in Cambodia that she has reportedly helped by buying $200 worth of new clothes – a fortune in that country, but still, only $200 – which falls slightly short of the legal definition of adoption. Read the rest

Vladimir Putin is a vampire and other breaking news from the tabloids

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[My friend Peter Sheridan is a Los Angeles-based correspondent for British national newspapers. He has covered revolutions, civil wars, riots, wildfires, and Hollywood celebrity misdeeds for longer than he cares to remember. As part of his job, he must read all the weekly tabloids. For the past couple of years, he's been posting terrific weekly tabloid recaps on Facebook and has graciously given us permission to run them on Boing Boing. Enjoy! - Mark]

Vladimir Putin is a vampire, Elvis Presley’s “seven secret love children” have been found, Angelina Jolie is suffering a “new cancer horror," and flamboyant "fitness guru" Richard Simmons is suffering a “mental breakdown,” according to this week’s fact-challenged Globe tabloid.

Accuracy, balance and logic evidently weren’t among the gifts left by Santa in the Globe's Christmas stocking this year.

Photographs of Putin look-alikes from 1920 and 1941 provoke the Globe to report that “investigators suggest he’s a vampire who has walked the Earth for a century or more!”

Barely more plausible are Elvis’s seven love children, exposed “following an exhaustive, two-year, world-wide investigation.” Or they could just have read back issues of the tabloids, where most of these claimants have previously told their stories, dating back to 1991. They range in plausibility from the offspring of women who claimed to have had one-night stands with the King, to Lisa Johansen who insists she was Presley’s daughter living with Elvis at Graceland until his 1977 death, when she was whisked to Sweden for her own safety and replaced by imposter Lisa Marie. Read the rest

Celebrities are wasting away, and other tabloid stunners

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[My friend Peter Sheridan is a Los Angeles-based correspondent for British national newspapers. He has covered revolutions, civil wars, riots, wildfires, and Hollywood celebrity misdeeds for longer than he cares to remember. As part of his job, he must read all the weekly tabloids. For the past couple of years, he's been posting terrific weekly tabloid recaps on Facebook and has graciously given us permission to run them on Boing Boing. Enjoy! - Mark]

Did Kim Kardashian lose 45 lbs in one day? This and other unassailable tabloid facts.

While the rest of the world is over-indulging during the festive season, weighty matters obsess this week’s tabloids and celebrity magazines.

Kim Kardashian “lost 75 lbs in 3 weeks” post-pregnancy, says the National Enquirer, while Star magazine says she lost 30 lbs in 20 days.

They could both be right, if Kardashian lost another 45 lbs on her 21st day, which seems entirely plausible.

Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton is the “Queen of Lean” and “starving herself to death” as her weight plummets to 98 lbs, says the Enquirer.

Tabloid watchers will recall that only six weeks ago the Enquirer warned that Kate weighed 99 lbs and was “wasting away,” so clearly the loss of another 16 precious ounces is cause for grave concern.

Meanwhile George Clooney’s wife Amal is “scary-skinny” says the Enquirer, though it doesn’t tell us how much she weighs because they’re too busy explaining how this brilliant human rights lawyer has transformed into "the wife from hell,” cutting Clooney off from old friends and making him sell off his former “love nests,” while she spends $4,695 on an Alexander McQueen dress and $4,000 on a vintage coat. Read the rest

Communion wafer bleeds for 3 days, and other tabloid stunners

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[My friend Peter Sheridan is a Los Angeles-based correspondent for British national newspapers. He has covered revolutions, civil wars, riots, wildfires, and Hollywood celebrity misdeeds for longer than he cares to remember. As part of his job, he must read all the weekly tabloids. For the past couple of years, he's been posting terrific weekly tabloid recaps on Facebook and has graciously given us permission to run them on Boing Boing. Enjoy! - Mark]

Today’s tabloids never let facts get in the way of a good story. “It’s official!” screams the Globe. “Kate Crowned Queen.”

Not exactly. The last time I looked Elizabeth II still sat on the British throne and Kate Middleton was Duchess of Cambridge - unless the Globe’s “Palace insiders” know something HRH doesn’t know.

The Enquirer reveals Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s “Secret Divorce Papers!”

Except they don’t.

Photos of divorce papers splashed across the cover and inside the mag come from both stars’ previous divorces. And those weren’t secret anyway.

The purported $480 million divorce battle is about as real as Queen Kate.

“Communion Wafer ‘Bleeds’ For Three Days,” shouts an Examiner headline. “Is It A Miracle?”

No – it’s just a cracker. Get over it. Or give it to Angelina Jolie, since the tabloids are always complaining she’s too thin.

There are “Terrorist Spies Working in White House!” proclaims the Globe, which for good measure adds that President Obama is secretly Muslim and “put double agents in his Cabinet.”

Right.

This fair and balanced report shares a page with a completely impartial story headlined: “Why U.S. Read the rest

Most shocking true crimes of 2015 and other holiday delights in the tabloids

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[My friend Peter Sheridan is a Los Angeles-based correspondent for British national newspapers. He has covered revolutions, civil wars, riots, wildfires, and Hollywood celebrity misdeeds for longer than he cares to remember. As part of his job, he must read all the weekly tabloids. For the past couple of years, he's been posting terrific weekly tabloid recaps on Facebook and has graciously given us permission to run them on Boing Boing. Enjoy! - Mark]

Countless wannabes are dying to be stars, so perhaps it makes perverse sense that so many stars are sick or dying – at least to judge by this week’s tabloids and celebrity magazines.

“Tumor-stricken ‘Top Gun’ hero” Val Kilmer has “three months to live” according to the Globe, which has photos of the 55-year-old actor wearing what appears to be a medical throat tube in his neck.

Burt Reynolds suffered a “heart attack drama” according to the National Enquirer, with photos of the Deliverance star sprawled on the floor – though it turns out that he merely stumbled, went straight on with a TV appearance, and it’s merely an unnamed “friend” suggesting that “Burt is a heart attack waiting to happen!”

Not to be outdone in the pursuit of medical scoops, the Examiner runs a spread on “Stars Battling Hepatitis,” which is as tasteful and sensitive as you’d imagine.

Add singer-actress Cher “dying” in the Globe, Kim Kardashian sharing details of her placenta accreta in People magazine, the Enquirer exposing Ben Affleck allegedly undergoing cosmetic surgery and an eyelid lift, and the Enquirer also recounting how Pope Francis cured a baby girl’s brain tumor with a kiss, and this week’s celebrity magazines are just like reading the American Journal of Medicine (though without the peer review, control testing, or facts.)

Speaking of facts, the Enquirer's cover reveals that there are “93 Secret ISIS Cells Here” in America. Read the rest

Fugitive is in the doghouse after cops catch her hiding in a doghouse

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[My friend Peter Sheridan is a Los Angeles-based correspondent for British national newspapers. He has covered revolutions, civil wars, riots, wildfires, and Hollywood celebrity misdeeds for longer than he cares to remember. As part of his job, he must read all the weekly tabloids. For the past couple of years, he's been posting terrific weekly tabloid recaps on Facebook and has graciously given us permission to run them on Boing Boing. Enjoy! - Mark]

Read the rest

What’s wrong with the people who read celebrity magazines?

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[My friend Peter Sheridan is a Los Angeles-based correspondent for British national newspapers. He has covered revolutions, civil wars, riots, wildfires, and Hollywood celebrity misdeeds for longer than he cares to remember. As part of his job, he must read all the weekly tabloids. For the past couple of years, he's been posting terrific weekly tabloid recaps on Facebook and has graciously given us permission to run them on Boing Boing. Enjoy! - Mark]

Read the rest

Nixon killed JFK and stole his brain! and other hard-hitting tabloid news

[My friend Peter Sheridan is a Los Angeles-based correspondent for British national newspapers. He has covered revolutions, civil wars, riots, wildfires, and Hollywood celebrity misdeeds for longer than he cares to remember. As part of his job, he must read all the weekly tabloids. For the past couple of years, he's been posting terrific weekly tabloid recaps on Facebook and has graciously given us permission to run them on Boing Boing. Enjoy! - Mark]

Read the rest

America’s plague of real-life vampires, and more hard-hitting tabloid news this week

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[My friend Peter Sheridan is a Los Angeles-based correspondent for British national newspapers. He has covered revolutions, civil wars, riots, wildfires, and Hollywood celebrity misdeeds for longer than he cares to remember. As part of his job, he must read all the weekly tabloids. For the past couple of years, he's been posting terrific weekly tabloid recaps on Facebook and has graciously given us permission to run them on Boing Boing. Enjoy! - Mark]

“Hitler escaped” in a secret tunnel and fled to Argentina, "there really are vampires among us,” and Robert Wagner is “going to jail” for killing Natalie Wood.

It’s another fact-free fest in this week's soaring supermarket tabloids and scintillating celebrity magazines.

Frank Sinatra is this week’s punching bag. Ol’ Blue Eyes was a “cocaine gang overlord” according to the National Enquirer (which makes me view ‘Fly Me To The Moon’ in a completely new light) and “asked mob to whack Woody” Allen after the director cheated on Mia Farrow, according to the Globe.

So good to have a week when the tabloids aren’t giving us breaking news about who Sinatra was sleeping with 60 years ago.

Fortunately investigative journalism is still alive and kicking at Us magazine, with the startling revelations that Selena Gomez wore it best, TV’s ‘Minority Report’ actress Meagan Good carries Post-it notes, green tea and a miniature teddy bear in her handbag, and the stars are just like us: they exercise together, indulge in ice cream, and volunteer for charity (the latter proving that Us mag considers former president Jimmy Carter “a star.”)

Hitler’s escape and America’s plague of real-life vampires come courtesy of the National Examiner, whose reporters never met a conspiracy they didn’t like. Read the rest

After years of fat-shaming headlines, the tabloids decide that thin can kill, too

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[My friend Peter Sheridan is a Los Angeles-based correspondent for British national newspapers. He has covered revolutions, civil wars, riots, wildfires, and Hollywood celebrity misdeeds for longer than he cares to remember. As part of his job, he must read all the weekly tabloids. For the past couple of years, he's been posting terrific weekly tabloid recaps on Facebook and has graciously given us permission to run them on Boing Boing. Enjoy! - Mark]

Weighty topics fill this week’s fact-lite tabloids, dedicated to bringing you a healthier, happier life - unless you’re a celebrity. Read the rest

Another fact-challenged week in the latest tabloids

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[My friend Peter Sheridan is a Los Angeles-based correspondent for British national newspapers. He has covered revolutions, civil wars, riots, wildfires, and Hollywood celebrity misdeeds for longer than he cares to remember. As part of his job, he must read all the weekly tabloids. For the past couple of years, he's been posting terrific weekly tabloid recaps on Facebook and has graciously given us permission to run them on Boing Boing. Enjoy! - Mark]

George Clooney and Amal are headed for a "$220 million divorce," Lamar Odom's "suicide note" has been found, and Khloé Kardashian "breaks her silence."

It's another fact-challenged week in the latest tabloids.

Thankfully we have hard-hitting investigative reporters to tell us that Selena Gomez wore it best, Carrie Underwood's parents almost called her Stacy, Alanis Morisette carries dental floss in her handbag, and that the stars are just like us: they "text on the go," "share snacks," "take pictures" and "love to shop."

I feel better just knowing that.

So, what are the National Enquirer's "dark secrets that will destroy George & Amal"? Photos of Clooney's former E.R. co-star Noah Wyle giving George a kiss on the cheek. At a public movie premiere. Twenty years ago. And from the photos, George isn't even enjoying the playful peck. Two guys messing around for the cameras on a Hollywood red carpet two decades ago - sounds like grounds for divorce for me.

Has Khloé Kardashian broken her silence as People magazine's cover claims? Read the small print, and you learn that she gave the interview "just hours before Lamar Odom was found unconscious." So she couldn't even begin to comment on a tragedy which hadn't yet occurred. Read the rest

The mathematics of tabloid news

Leila Schneps and Coralie Colmez have an interesting piece at The New York Times about DNA evidence in murder trials, the mathematics of probability, and the highly publicized case of Amanda Knox. What good is remembering the math you learned in junior high? If you're a judge, it could be the difference between a guilty verdict and an acquittal. Read the rest

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