Crushes, Part Two: How To Deal With Someone Else's Unwanted Geek Crush On You.
Suggest they call one of these numbers: (212) 479-7990 for NYC
or (323) 883-1779 for LA.
Go ahead and call, it's cool...just voicemail...this ain't Crank Yankers. Also effective on unwanted business proposals, elevator pitches, and overeager aspiring actor/waiters. Brought to you by rejectionline.com. Thanks, Numair.
posted by Xeni Jardin at 12:19:22 PM | permalink
Geek Girls: How to Tell if You Have a Crush.
I haven't mastered the art of 21st-century detached dating. As cool, aloof and in-control as I'd like to think I am, they still hit me sometimes: crushes. Think I've got one now, actually. To help fellow geek girls determine whether or not it's Lust Verité, infatuation afficionado/jewelry designer Catrina Gregory and I have compiled our top-ten list of danger signs. If you answer "yes" to more than one, forgettaboutit baby--you're smitten. But relax: that may not be such a bad thing. We should know.
TOP 10 SIGNS YOU HAVE A CRUSH
(1) Your brain's spare CPU cycles involuntarily dedicate themselves to this person. Like the SETI@Home project, but instead of processing data about extraterrestrials, your brain is crunching the way a certain boy walks, kisses you, or taps his cigarette ashes.
(2) The lyrics to house music club anthems not only start to make sense, but the divas are suddenly singing your personal heartthrob story at 128 bpm in a secret, beautiful language of longing and glamour only you and they can comprehend.
(3) Incessantly checking your cell phone like a crack monkey for missed call caller-ID, even though it hasn't rung. Maybe I'm in a bad cell zone--yeah, right.
(4) Incessantly checking e-mail--even checking your "deleted items" folder for missed messages. Maybe he's already e-mailed, and your in-box filters have just gone haywire, or he's inserted four-letter words in the subject line that triggered a spam filter.
(5) You keep IM turned on and "available." 'Cause sugar, you are.
(6) You scan the radio for soft rock love songs and get all misty-eyed to tunes that usually trigger your gag reflex.
(7) You change your outfit more than the usual two or three times before going out
when you think you might see him. If this number gets into double digits--
babygirl, you are in over your head.
(8) You start reading his horoscope (you don't even read horoscopes) and
you look up the astrological potential for your two signs online. Yes, this
is pathetic but you do it in secret and never speak of it to anyone so it
doesn't really count.
(9) You Google him and click on the "Images" tab. See also #10.
(10) ...and on the off chance he might do the same, you Google your own name and click on the "Images" tab to see whether or not the results are flattering. Does this JPEG make my butt look big?
posted by Xeni Jardin at 12:35:58 PM | permalink
Sublime Spam
Good spam is like "found art." It's the evanescent coolness of a gracefully torn club flyer floating in a viridian/carmine puddle of puke on Sunset Boulevard. The medium, the message, and the decay, all balled up into an accidental spitwad of serenity. That's why I'm a spamophile. This brilliant NYT op/ed captures the vibe perfectly (registration required). So does this actual, authentic slab of spam some freak sent to my friend Mara Schwartz last week:
-----Original Message-----
From: [name withheld]
Sent: Saturday, August 03, 2002 3:40 AM
To: [name withheld]
Subject: [name withheld]
Hello,
If you are a Time Traveler from Dimension D1263GT10, year 2008 or Dimension D2044GT5, year 2432 and or in possession of the Dimensional Warp Generator wrist watch, the Carbon Copy Replica model #52 4350 series or similar technology I need your help! My entire life and health has been messed with by evil beings! I simply need the safest method of transferring my consciousness or returning to my younger self with my current mind/memory. I need an advanced time traveler to work with who can help me, I'd would prefer someone with access to teleportation as well as a variety different types of time travel. This is not a joke! I am serious! Please send a separate email to me at: [withheld] if you can help! Thanks!
posted by Xeni Jardin at 10:53:32 AM | permalink
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