Fuck diamonds. Isotopes are a girl's best friend. Let others dream of ice this Valentine's Day — real men procure hunks of ultra-highly-irradiated uranium ore for their honeys. And they buy it online, for $45.00 a shot.
They deliver it with postapocalyptic bouquets of Man-in-The-Moon Marigolds, then they make sweet radioactive love in the blue-green glow of nuclear lust. Nine months later, they have four-armed babies who grow up to be frag champions in the offworld Olympic Electronic Games.
Snip from the website where, honest to Zogg, I'm told you can buy this stuff right now:
"[Shown,] a larger Torbernite sample measuring over 2.25' across. Although not very visible in the photograph, the rock features large patches of absolutely brilliant, emerald green crystals, and some very large crystal plates. The crystals shimmer & look beautiful under bright light. This is currently our most active sample in this category at over 27,000 CPM. Samples such as this are very difficult to obtain due to the civil unrest in the Congo. As time goes on, these Uranium ore samples will rapidly climb in value. Imported from the People's Republic of Congo, Africa."
Update: For the record, I filed this post in jest. I am not actually suggesting that you purchase Congolese Torbernite, particularly if you're trying to get laid on Valentine's Day. Why? First, because, hello, it's fucking radioactive. Secondly, as Boing Boing reader Benjamin Rosenbaum points out, it appears to be a product of the same deeply corrupt, violent economic system that surrounds production of most of the world's diamonds. Benjamin sez:
About the Torbernite… cute. But it also seems like a transparent attempt to do an end-run around the UN sanctions against conflict diamonds. Before buying one of these things, I'd want to make sure it's not an alternative way to fund the horrific depradations of the Congolese warlords.
Link to more info on conflict diamonds (and, presumably, conflict hunk-'o'-nukes).