McCain's D&D character stats

With the McCain campaign smearing Dungeons and Dragons players, Wired's Threat Level blog is asking its readers to come up with character descriptions or Monster Manual blurbs for McCain:

1st Level Fighter / 14th Level Aristocrat
by (+5, Troll)

His stat block is STR 12, INT 9, WIS 9, DEX 9, CON 10, CHR 14, adjusting for age. His Bluff skill is maxed, but he has just one rank in Knowledge (Religion) and no ranks in Knowledge (Economics). He was only a fighter for a short time, but he brags about those days to anyone who doesn't intentionally fail their Listen check. He managed to charm an aristocratic lass into marriage to make his fortune, though he had to leave his first wife to do so.

Overlord McCainnister the Brute
by Sam

This perennially battle-weary creature thrives on animosity and fear; it wields a Fox Cloak of Deception with a +10 stun against nearby intelligent creatures. Sporting long, tentacled arms, its impressive reach gives it a +5 luck in debates. Sadly, this creature is rarely found in the wild; it is usually paired as a familiar to the Horn-toothed Lobbyist.

John McCain Campaign Takes a +3 Vorpal Blade to Dungeons & Dragons Players

See also: McCain staffer slams Dungeons and Dragons players