On the wearing of satchel-bags

Pithy fashion advice from The Guardian on how to wear this year's hot accessory, the satchel-bag: "You are the small child, standing in the parade, pointing at the empress of fashion, Alexa Chung, and crying: 'Look! A bag that crosses a lady's chest is only going to look good on the particularly lithe! On everyone else it's going to smush one's boobs until one points north, one points south, and one's chest resembles a busted compass. Can no one else see this? I feel like I'm eating crazy pills!'"

I wore a messenger bag with my laptop in it for several years, and all I've got to show for it is weirdly disproportionate psoas muscles, mild spinal curvature, and back pain.

How are you supposed to wear a satchel bag?