All-purpose apology for corrupt, inept, thieving, substance-abusing Canadian politicians

It's not just Toronto mayor Rob "Laughable Bumblefuck" Ford: Canada's politicians at all levels are in trouble, though senators, mayors and the Prime Minister and his cronies are leading the pack for corruption, scandal, thieving, criminality, and prevarication. And none of them, not one, knows how to say sorry. Noting this, Andrew Coyne has penned an all-purpose apology for Canadian pols to use as a template when the inevitable comeuppance arrives:

About my expense claims. We're still trying to piece together what happened, but it seems that, yes, in the crush of a very busy schedule, some receipts marked "personal" or "private" may have been inadvertently mixed in with some other receipts marked "business" or "naughty." And I pledge to you today that every penny of these expenses will be repaid, with interest, out of the proceeds of future expense claims.

Second, with regard to my alleged drug use. I can't lie to you: When I told you I couldn't lie to you before, I wasn't telling the whole truth. But that's because you didn't ask the right questions. When I said "I do not do drugs," you didn't specifically ask, "are you lying to us?" But let's not overstate this. I am not "addicted" to drugs. If I did drugs, it was only while filling out my expenses.

As for the rest – the conflict of interest, the drunk and disorderly, the theft under, the driving while, not to mention tariff items 13485 through 13496: I am sorry. I am so sorry. I am just so sorry. I am sorry in a hundred inadmissible ways. To my family, my constituents, and most of all, to my dealers, I want to say: I am sorry. I know I've let you down. Worse, I've let myself down. I have not lived up to the standards I set for myself, which were pretty much non-existent to begin with.

Stop me if you've heard this one before [Andrew Coyne/Postmedia News]

(via William Gibson)