Scientology Christmas gifts

The Scientology Christmas catalog is pretty much what you'd expect, if you're familiar with the cult: enormously expensive (as in, "mortgage your house and embezzle from your employer") sets of books and DVDs/CDs, as well as crude, tarted up skin galvanometers ("e-meters") that are the holy relics of the faith.

Price: $5,000

Copy: "Your guarantee of total freedom … With this meter, your auditing will never be the same again. Your preclears will make spectacular progress up the Bridge. The Mark Ultra VIII meter's unequaled precision, clarity, and ease of operation are here for you … with accuracy guaranteed for eternity."

Drew Says: I like that this product is supposedly guaranteed for eternity, because a) that is obviously not possible, and b) I bet if your shit breaks, and you take it to your designated Sea Org admiral, he'll make you buy six more. For $5,000, this piece of shit oughta make you a decent cappuccino, operate your home thermostat remotely, and finely dice vegetables. But instead, all you get is a lie detector that doesn't work. It doesn't even have WiFi. Now how am I supposed to upload all of Cousin Jenny's thought crimes to the cloud? WHAT A RIP.

Please note that the Mark Ultra VIII comes with free electrodes! "Our gift to you," the copy says. Why, you'd practically be losing money if you didn't buy the thing now. These electrodes look like anal-probing suppositories, but you actually hold them in your hand while the church's local hired goon audits you. I assume the fancier e-meters come with free nipple clamps.

The Scientology Christmas Catalog Is Totally Insane [Drew Magary/Deadspin]

(Thanks, Marilyn)