If dishwashers were Iphones

My latest Guardian column is design fiction in the form of an open letter from a dishwasher company whose kitchenware marketplace and Dish Rights Management system is under fire.

* The Kitchen Store and Speckless Disher are the best dishwashing experience in the world

Before the Speckless Disher, there was no way to be sure that your dishes would come out of the dishwasher clean. Outside of the Speckless Community, people are accustomed to "pre-washing" their dishes before they put them into the dishwasher. This tremendously wasteful practice spills billions of gallons of precious water down the drain every year, and is a danger to our planet.

* Speckless means safe

Food-borne illnesses are some of history's greatest killers, and they've kept up with the times, mutating into virulent, antibiotic-resistant strains that are potentially fatal. We vet every foodable – bowl, plate, pan, pot, fork, knife and spoon – in the Kitchen Store to ensure that its geometry and surface properties are compatible with our best-of-breed jets, so that everything that touches your food is sterile. That's a guarantee we're able to make because we're able to manage and control the whole dishwashing experience.

The Kitchen Store is the most successful platform for the discovery, rating and consumption of kitchenware that the world has ever seen. If you have a great idea for plate or spoon, all you need to do is sign up for our Foodable Developer Network, pay $100, sign our Developer License Agreement, and get creative! Anything is possible – so long as it fits within our guidelines, of course.

* "Hackers" break dishwashers

With so many choices of foodables in the Kitchen Store, there's no need to modify your Disher to fit non-store items from outside our ecosystem. We understand that some community members have sentimental attachment to Grandma's wedding china or the baby dish that Mum saved for your own kid to use (some of you have even made your own dishes without signing up for our Developer Network), but when you "chip," "mod" or "bend" your Disher's prongs to fit these noncompliant items, you make impossible for the Disher's internal sensors to accurately gauge the washing performance. The technical term for a "modded" Disher is broken.

If dishwashers were iPhones [The Guardian]

(Image: Loading the dishwasher, m01229, CC-BY)