Does everyone at Wired have to wear black?


Wired has a tasteful new redesign, and a tasteful "About Us" page to go with it. I know they said it's not a pirate ship anymore, but I didn't realize it was now the C Org.

* * *


I decide to even up the score a little bit by showing everyone my new website. I pull my iPad mini with Retina Display out of my black leather Looptworks TIKi Sleeve for iPad mini (Apple, $89) and slap it on the table.

"New website." I try to act casual about it but I'm smiling proudly. "What do you think?"

"Whoa," McDermott says, lifting it up, fingering the iPad, genuinely impressed.

"Very nice. Take a look." He hands it to Van Patten.

"Synched up from the dev repository yesterday," I mention.

"Cool coloring," Van Patten says, studying the website closely.

"That's #f7f7f7," I point out. "And the lettering is something called Ambroise."

"Ambroise?" McDermott asks.

"Yeah. Not bad, huh?"

"It is very cool," Van Patten says guardedly, the jealous bastard, "but that's nothing…" He pulls out his iPad and slaps it down. "Look at this."

We all lean over and inspect Van Patten's website and Price quietly says, "That's really nice." A brief spasm of jealousy courses through me when I notice the elegance of the color and the classy type. I clench my fist as Van Patten says, smugly, "#f74c34 with ITC Serif Gothic…" He turns to me. "What do you think?"

"Nice," I croak, but manage to nod, as the busboy brings four fresh Bellinis.

"Jesus." Price says, holding the glass up to the light, ignoring the new drinks. "This is really super. How'd a nitwit like you get so tasteful?"

I'm looking at Van Patten's website and then at mine and cannot believe that Price actually likes Van Patten's better.

"But wait," Price says. "You ain't see nothin' yet…" He pulls an iPhone 6 in Space Gray out of an inside coat pocket and slowly, dramatically turns it over for our inspection and says, "Mine."

I have to admit it's magnificent. The restaurant seems far away, hushed, a meaningless hum, compared to this website, and we all hear Price's words: "CSS text-shadow, #efeae2…"

"Holy shit," Van Patten exclaims. "I've never seen…"

"Wait," I say. "Let's see Montgomery's."

Price brings it up. He's acting nonchalant, but I don't see how he can ignore its subtle off-white coloring, its tasteful use of jQuery.

"Pizza. Let's order a pizza," McDermott says. "Doesn't anyone want to split a pizza? A red snapper?"
I pick up the phone and actually finger it.

"Nice, huh?" Price knows I'm jealous.

"Yeah," I say offhandedly. I'm finding it hard to swallow.

"Red snapper pizza," McDermott says again. "I'm fucking starving."

"No pizza," I murmur, relieved when the phone is placed away, out of sight, back in the jacket pocket.

"Come on," McDermott says, whining. "Let's order the red snapper pizza."

"Why?" I'm asking. My iPad lies on the table, ignored next to a Hatsune Miko action figure (Otakumode, $38.99). Gently I pick it up and slip it, folded, back into its case.

"Red snapper pizza… red snapper pizza… " McDermott has found a mantra for the evening. "Goddamnit, isn't anybody listening to me?"

I'm still tranced out on Montgomery's website – the classy coloring, the lettering, the responsive layout – and I suddenly raise a fist as if to strike out at McDermott and scream, my voice booming.

"No one wants the fucking red snapper pizza! A pizza should be yeasty and slightly bready and have a cheesy crust! The crusts here are too fucking thin because the shithead chef who cooks here overbakes everything! The pizza is dried out and brittle!"

Red-faced, I slam my Bellini down on the table and when I look up our appetizers have arrived.

Previously: No Action Figures Please