Mallory Ortberg expertly skewers the weird de-cluttering dogma of Marie Kondo's bestselling Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: "It's important to be very rich but have almost no items in your home."
What's in your kitchen cabinets? Pots and pans and handheld graters and hateful trash that's preventing you from calling your estranged sister. Throw them all away. Replace them with a single sunflower seed.
Your kitchen floor should be a single bone from a roan-red veal calf that was struck by lightning. Anything less is unacceptable clutter. Get rid of it.
Possessions are 100% fatal. Turtles don't keep anything they can't use, and they helped Charles Darwin discover the Galápagos Islands. Throw away all of your grandmother's jewelry. Now she can sleep in peace.
Only consume apples that really speak to you.
Thank every item in your refrigerator deeply – kiss each one of them softly and slowly with your mouth – then prepare for each item a small Viking funeral. Set them adrift on a blazing ship into the waters of a very cold lake. In the future, when you are hungry, eat your memories. The only thing that belongs in your refrigerator is mindfulness.
How To Get Rid Of Clutter And Live Abundantly [Mallory Ortberg/The Toast]
(Image: Zen rock on beach sand, Alon, CC-BY)