What it's like to know everything about Star Wars, despite having never seen it


The greatest story of late capitalist American popular culture, and Charley Locke hasn't even watched it! But Locke knows every moment.

The good guys are trying to defend their galaxy from the bad guys, in a series of galactic wars. I'm pretty sure these star wars take place on planets (Tatooine?) and space ships (the Death Star?) and maybe bars (Cantina?). I am now realizing that I have no idea what, exactly, everyone is fighting these wars over. … Jedis, who have different colors of light sabers … Darth Vader, who's got a black Bane mask and (spoiler alert!) is Luke's dad

Here's Malcolm Tucker's version of Locke's post, living happily ever-after on the planet of the teddy bears: