Pants-wettingly funny summary of every Dad-kid discussion, ever

This really is a distillation of the discussions I have with my daughter. Every. Single. Day. If it wasn't so funny, I'd be weeping.

My only source of comfort is that I can recall doing this to my parents.

Child: Where is Mom?

Me: Why do you need her?

Child: Sometimes one just needs one's mother.

Me: I'm standing right here, perhaps I can help you.

Child: This falls under Mom's purview, so …

Me: She's busy right now, and I'm taking care of you.

Child: Busy where?

Me: Upstairs. But don't go there.

(Child leaves room)

(Long pause, muffled discussion from upstairs)

(Child returns)

Child: I spoke with mom.

Me: So I gather.

Child: Mom says to ask you. Where is the thing from before?

Me: The thing I wouldn't give you before?

Child: Yes.

Me: Why do you want to know?

Child: I'm a curious person. I thirst for knowledge.

Me: But you can't have it.

Child: Boy, you are really jumping to conclusions here! I know I can't have it! OF COURSE! I'm just curious.

Me: If I tell you where it is, will I find out that at some future time, you have the thing?

Child: Does anyone truly know what the future holds?

Me: So, there is a future where you've gone and gotten the thing.

Child: Hold that thought.

(Child leaves room)

But I Want It
[Sean Williams/Slate]

(Thanks, Alice!)