The Four Horsemen of Gentrification: Brine, Snark, Brunch, Whole Foods

Zain Khalid pens the perfect McSweeney's humor-short: self-reflexive (snark, indeed!), demographically loaded, and ha-ha-only-serious.

When the Landlord broke the fourth and final seal, a ravenous horse emerged; and he who sat on it had the name Whole Foods; and Urban Outfitters was with him. Authority was given to them over the remaining area, to kill with overpriced chicken breast and with Vampire Weekend vinyls and with alpine-style cheeses and by the small dogs of the purse.
— Millennials 6:4, NSGB

Whole Foods

As Whole Foods arrives, hope departs. Ethnic restaurants will be replaced with half an aisle dedicated to "international ingredients." Greek will be the only variety of yogurt and the quality of kale will be as high as the rent for an alcove studio. Lana Del Rey will be elected to the city's council. There will be a great migration of former residents to more affordable housing. As they are loading their U-Hauls, one of them, a man without a ukulele, will look to the heavens and ask "Why?" He will hear the voice whisper a single word: "Kombucha."


[Zain Khalid/McSweeney's]

(via Kottke)

(Image: Whole Foods Markham Canada, ChadPerez49, CC-BY-SA)