Sepp Blatter banned from FIFA for 8 years

Hilariously corrupt soccer governing body FIFA has finally made a scapegoat of suspended president Sepp Blatter, banning him from the organization for 8 years. He is defiant, reports CNN, demanding to know what he was banned for.

It's for all the corruption, silly!

Blatter said he was being treated like a "punching ball" and maintained he was still the FIFA President and "a man of principles."

"I'm really sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I am still somewhere a punching ball," the 79-year-old said at a press conference at FIFA's former headquarters at Sonnenberg, Zurich.

"I'm sorry for me for, how I'm tainted in this world of humanitarian qualities," Blatter added.

Actor Tim Roth, who starred as Blatter in a gloriously mistimed and largely FIFA-funded biopic, said the film is awful and that he only did it to put his kids through college. United Passions is lowest-grossing film in U.S. history to receive a general release, according to Wikipedia.