Celebrities are wasting away, and other tabloid stunners

[My friend Peter Sheridan is a Los Angeles-based correspondent for British national newspapers. He has covered revolutions, civil wars, riots, wildfires, and Hollywood celebrity misdeeds for longer than he cares to remember. As part of his job, he must read all the weekly tabloids. For the past couple of years, he's been posting terrific weekly tabloid recaps on Facebook and has graciously given us permission to run them on Boing Boing. Enjoy! - Mark]

Did Kim Kardashian lose 45 lbs in one day? This and other unassailable tabloid facts.

While the rest of the world is over-indulging during the festive season, weighty matters obsess this week’s tabloids and celebrity magazines.

Kim Kardashian “lost 75 lbs in 3 weeks” post-pregnancy, says the National Enquirer, while Star magazine says she lost 30 lbs in 20 days.

They could both be right, if Kardashian lost another 45 lbs on her 21st day, which seems entirely plausible.

Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton is the “Queen of Lean” and “starving herself to death” as her weight plummets to 98 lbs, says the Enquirer.

Tabloid watchers will recall that only six weeks ago the Enquirer warned that Kate weighed 99 lbs and was “wasting away,” so clearly the loss of another 16 precious ounces is cause for grave concern.

Meanwhile George Clooney’s wife Amal is “scary-skinny” says the Enquirer, though it doesn’t tell us how much she weighs because they’re too busy explaining how this brilliant human rights lawyer has transformed into "the wife from hell,” cutting Clooney off from old friends and making him sell off his former “love nests,” while she spends $4,695 on an Alexander McQueen dress and $4,000 on a vintage coat.

If the Star magazine is right in claiming that Amal has been sobbing to friends that “her career has been on the decline since marrying George,” who could blame her?
It seems that some folks just can’t win in the tabloid weight wars.

Ice-T’s wife Nicole ‘Coco’ Austin gained a mere 13 lbs in her pregnancy and is now almost back to her pre-baby 137 lbs, she tells Us magazine, but complains of “body bullies” who have accused her of "everything from liposuction to faking her pregnancy.”

People magazine piles on with a recipe for a California Almond Cake, which looks like it could single-handedly put back all of Coco's lost poundage in one sitting.

How appropriate that the tabloids’ weight-obsessed readers can turn to NBC’s dubious new series, ‘My Diet Is Better Than Your Diet,’ starting on January 7.

Meanwhile, Charlie Sheen gives an exclusive interview about his HIV status to the Enquirer - one can only imagine what fresh horrific scandal they unearthed to force him to such humiliation - while Us magazine celebrates Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner’s “Christmas reunion.”

People magazine asks who burned alive 19-year-old Jessica Chambers in Courtland, Mississippi, over a year ago, which is a strangely belated and decidedly unseasonal cover story, as if they’re waited 12 months for the slowest celebrity news week of the year before running this.

The Walking Dead actress Emily Kinney carries keys, lip balm and a Starbucks gift card in her purse – this exciting feature page never gets old, it’s always so full of surprises. Robin Roberts wore it best (which may be unwanted praise in an “ugly sweater edition”) and the stars are just like us: they play at the beach, chat on their cells, visit markets, run in pairs, and use caulk guns.

Wait a minute – what self-respecting celebrity caulks their own floor fixtures, instead of having their personal assistant hire a minion for such menial work? Melissa Gorga, apparently, I had to Google “Melissa Gorga" to learn that she is one of the Real Housewives of New Jersey.

Seriously, I think Us magazine is stretching the definition of the world “star” a bit too far here.

Onwards and downwards . . .