[My friend Peter Sheridan is a Los Angeles-based correspondent for British national newspapers. He has covered revolutions, civil wars, riots, wildfires, and Hollywood celebrity misdeeds for longer than he cares to remember. As part of his job, he must read all the weekly tabloids. For the past couple of years, he's been posting terrific weekly tabloid recaps on Facebook and has graciously given us permission to run them on Boing Boing. Enjoy! - Mark]
Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia was “murdered by a hooker,” reports the National Enquirer, while Robert Wagner finally gave a “murder confession” admitting to slaying Natalie Wood, according to the Globe.
Only one small detail is missing from these stories. Facts.
They have as much plausibility as the two women who tell this week's Enquirer that they had babies following sex romps with space aliens (expect Donald Trump and Ted Cruz to call for the infants’ deportation), and the 17th century English prophet Thomas Totney’s predictions of space travel reported (belatedly, some might say) in the Examiner.
The facts: Scalia suffered from coronary artery disease, diabetes and other ailments, routinely slept with a breathing apparatus and was propped up on three pillows when he died, according to his family and police, who found Scalia's bedsheets crisp with no sign of a struggle, though a pillow had slipped down over the top of his head, but not enough to obstruct his airway.
But because Scalia’s family rejected an autopsy the Enquirer assumes a cover-up, reporting that a “2,000-a-night” prostitute employed by the CIA "injected Scalia with a needle filled with poison in his buttocks” in a bid to reshape the Supreme Court. Read the rest