[My friend Peter Sheridan is a Los Angeles-based correspondent for British national newspapers. He has covered revolutions, civil wars, riots, wildfires, and Hollywood celebrity misdeeds for longer than he cares to remember. As part of his job, he must read all the weekly tabloids. For the past couple of years, he's been posting terrific weekly tabloid recaps on Facebook and has graciously given us permission to run them on Boing Boing. Enjoy! – Mark]
What's in Lukensia's lunch box?
That's the burning question on the lips of Us magazine's crack investigative team. The hard-hitting reporters who week after week delve into the heart of Hollywood darkness to expose the handbag contents of a celebrity you've barely heard of, this week bring us an earth-shattering exclusive: the contents of TV fitness trainer Jillian Michaels' five-year-old daughter's lunch box.
"She just likes snacks," says Jillian, in a revelation sure to break the Internet and push Isis bombers off the front page. "Crackers and popcorn, cheese sticks and beef jerky."
Lukensia – her name supposedly means "bringer of light," and let's face it, sounds better than calling your daughter "Bic Lighter" – carries it all in a Frozen lunchbox, with a Doc McStuffins thermos.
Is this a new low in celebrity journalism? Perhaps, but I'm confident that with dedication, Us mag can stoop even lower. They tell us that Diane Kruger and Rita Ora wore it best, and the stars are still just like us: they dine out, stroll on the sand, they walk and talk – in other words: they're boring.
Fans of Us mag's "25 Things You Never Knew About . . ." regular feature will delight in this week's offering bringing us three celebrities: 75 things we didn't know! Bryshere Y Gray reveals "I hate mushrooms," Gabourey Sidibe confesses "I can't ride a bike," and Trai Byers drops the bombshell: "Christmas is my favorite time of year." This has Pulitzer written all over it.
With its cover devoted to Rob Kardashian's romance with Blac Chyna – "Rescued By Love!" – and 14 pages dedicated to "celebrity makeovers" – stars who've finally woken up to the fact that they can't just roll out of bed and expect the interwebs not to savage them – it's shocking to realize that the only items in this week's publication that aren't complete fluff are the three staples punched through its spine.
People magazine's cover proclaims that Princess Kate is "following in Diana's footsteps," but closer inspection reveals that she's not having an affair with a millionaire playboy and driving wildly through Paris streets, but is simply wearing wide-brimmed hats and holding small bouquets of flowers. You know it's a quiet week in celebrityland when People's best stories are its recipes for creamy tomato soup and honey-roasted chicken.
The Globe gives Michael Douglas and Britain's Queen a rest from their regular death-watch, and this week decides it's Michael J Fox and Zsa Zsa Gabor who are facing "The End."
The National Enquirer sticks with its trusted standby of celebrity sex scandals: singer Blake Shelton allegedly has "9 women he's hiding" from lover Gwen Stefani, while Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz allegedly has "5 secret mistresses," perhaps proving that 64 per cent of women prefer country music stars to creepy evangelical hypocrites.
Cruz – branded "Pervy Ted" by the Enquirer, taking over the mantle formerly worn by Senator Edward Kennedy – allegedly has lovers described as "a foxy political consultant," "a pretty 30-ish Washington, D.C. lawyer," "a hot babe," "a sexy Austin schoolteacher," and "a $1,000-a-night Washington, D.C. call girl." I'm not making this up. But someone might be. Any substantiation for these shocking claims? Of course. The Enquirer quotes former Donald Trump aide Roger Stone saying: "These stories have been swirling around Cruz for some time." Well, a former Trump aide can't be wrong, can he? Stories swirling? Can't ask for more proof than that.
Continuing its routine body-shaming, the Enquirer claims that singer Jessica Simpson had undergone "another boob job" bringing her to a 38EE, adding: "If she went any bigger, she'd fall over" – though regrettably I don't think that quote came from a structural engineer; and posts a giant photo of Kim Kardashian's derriere claiming that "her huge hips are due to her butt implants bursting last month," under the headline: "Kim K's Explosive Dis-Ass-Ter!" I'd love to see the Enquirer's engineering stress analysis of Kim's caboose, but alas, they opt not to make that public.
We have to turn to the Examiner for real news: "Yeti Snapped In Spanish Alps!" screams the headline above a photo of a "mysterious creature" – a man wrapped in a white shag carpet, perhaps? – in the Pyrenees. " And "It's a Miracle! Bible Survives Car Fire!" Apparently a Jeep Laredo crashed and burned near Memphis, TN, last month, but the Bible in the passenger seat emerged unscathed. "That is God," said "stunned witness" Eugene McNeil. "If you don't believe it, I don't know what to say."
A search of news photos of the crash clearly shows dozens of other paper documents strewn outside the car, equally undamaged by fire and also presumably saved by a Supreme Being who believed the driver's notes and scribbles worth saving. Apparently god likes paperwork and his best-selling biography more than people, however: the flame-broiled driver was hospitalized with "non-life-threatening injuries."
If there's a god, I'll bet that Lukensia's lunch box wouldn't have burned in that blaze either.
Onwards and downwards . . .