Prince Charles has confessed to his sons: "I had to kill Diana!" claims the 'Globe.' "Your mother was out of control! She was a threat to the monarchy! She had to be stopped before she ruined everything!"
I wonder: which of the trio engaged in this private palace conversation – Charles, William or Harry – phoned the 'Globe' to leak this information? My money's on none of them.
The "shocking face-to-face confrontation" allegedly occurred after Princes William and Harry had their mother's body exhumed and conducted a second autopsy, uncovering "a Pandora's box of cover-ups and conspiracies."
There's only one small problem with this story: Diana's body has not been exhumed, there was no second autopsy, no secret report, and therefore no possible confrontation between Charles and his sons. Apart from those small quibbles, it seems like a cracking piece of journalism.
I'm troubled by the 'National Enquirer' report claiming that Scientology leader David Miscavige's big brother Ronald Jr. is the subject of FBI files "detailing a series of increasingly troubling encounters." Among various sordid allegations of sex and drugs, the 'Enquirer' lists this disturbing detail of Ronald Jr.'s alleged debauchery: "Asking a prostitute to stop at a McDonald's and bring him a breakfast muffin to snack on during a motel tryst." I'm confused. What's so bad about asking a hooker to buy a breakfast McMuffin on her way to work? It's not like she wasn't going to be reimbursed. It's probably the most innocuous thing she'd be asked to do all day. Was she asked to buy it after they stopped serving breakfast? Would it have made a difference if he'd asked the prostitute to buy him a four-cheese ultimate bacon Whopper at Burger King? Or did Ronald Jr. then make her eat the McMuffin – because there are some things that even a weathered hooker doesn't want to put in her mouth? Sadly, the "explosive" FBI files don't have the answers, but evidently the 'Enquirer' considers this a "shameful secret." I guess if I ate breakfast McMuffins I'd want to keep it a secret too.
"Donald Still Trumps The Polls!" claims the 'Enquirer's chief political reporter, former Clinton campaign staffer Dick Morris, in defiance of every opinion poll that puts Hillary Clinton ahead of her Republican rival. Donald Trump boasted endlessly about his polling numbers when trouncing his rivals in the Republican primaries earlier this year, but now he's behind in the polls Trump apologist Morris calls reporting the results "one of the greatest attempts at disinformation in American political history." No hyperbole there. Morris rightly points to past presidential polls that in August had indicated big wins for candidates who went on to lose, but you can't have it both ways, Dick.
Do 'Enquirer' headline writers even read their own stories? The mag carries a headline about Johnny Depp's "$15 million divorce scandal," though the story below reveals that he made only a "$7 million settlement" – the same figure widely reported by mainstream media. I guess that $15 million just seemed like a better headline, the facts be damned.
Fortunately we have 'Us' magazine's team of crack investigative reporters to tell us that Jamie Chung (Who she, Ed?) wore it best, Jessica Alba "can't live without popcorn made with coconut oil and Himalayan sea salt" (well, who can?), Heather Locklear carries an "aphrodisiac-infused breath mist" along with deodorant and toothpaste in her fringed Cleobella tote bag, and the stars are just like us: they ride bikes, go snorkeling, drink beer and go boating.
'Us' mag brings us the big story of the week, with 'Bachelor in Paradise' reality show participant Amanda Stanton revealing "Why I Trust Josh," despite allegations that Josh Murray was jealous, controlling and "emotionally abusive" to a former lover. "We're living together!" they coo. Why the Wall Street Journal hasn't picked up this story yet is beyond me.
'People' magazine devotes its cover to the Gosselins – remember 'Jon & Kate Plus 8'? No? I can't blame you. – with the promise: "The Gosselins Tell All." I read the story thoroughly, but the Gosselins don't reveal where Jimmy Hoffa is buried, where D.B. Cooper is hiding, whether aliens created crop circles, or even who let the dogs out. Telling us all? I don't think so.
We have to rely on the 'National Examiner' to deliver the week's only real news: an alien spaceship has been caught on video, after allegedly "circling the Earth for decades." Evidently the UFO is a "dark object closely following the International Space Station," which was filmed by astronauts aboard the ISS. Evidently the UFO, "dubbed the Black Knight Satellite in the 1960s . . . is one of many deployed throughout the galaxy to transmit data about life on other planets," according to current theory. Hopefully inhabitants of their home planet won't be too upset that the Gosselins haven't really told all about life on Earth. Or perhaps it's just an alien spaceship full of roving space-hookers sent out to buy a breakfast McMuffin on their way to a distant planet.
Onwards and downwards . . .