Food reviewer really likes American cheese

I'm not as fond of processed cheese food as this reviewer, but it is always in my fridge.

Via Extra Crispy:

Perhaps you think you are better than American cheese. But you are wrong. American cheese is perfect. Maybe in the deli case, you sneer at the orange log labeled "American," going for its nearby neighbors—the mild cheddar, the swiss, the Havarti. Are you immune to rainbows, too? Olympic gymnastics, fireflies on summer nights, ranch dressing, and the warm, fuzzy bellies of kittens? Please enjoy your lukewarm tap water, C-SPAN, and hard, wooden chair in your cave of austerity. I will be cozied into a diner booth, face-first in an American cheese omelet.

It is my moral and ethical imperative to tell you that breakfast would be a lesser beast in the absence of American cheese. Not all breakfasts. Not all the time. But enough that the dearth of it would be palpable and unfortunate. Would it help if I told you not to think of it as cheese? American cheese technically comes from cheese (it's called "processed cheese" or "cheese food," but it's still made from cheese mixed with other ingredients about which you should not worry too much), as it happens—despite the ill-informed protests of dairy truthers. But I say this because its main virtue is less in its flavor (does there even exist a more demure cheese?), than in its divine plasticity.