O.J. Simpson's "murder knife" has been found, Barack Obama plans to "steal back" the White House, and James Dean "didn't die" in his 1955 car crash but went into hiding.
It's yet another embarrassment of factually-challenged riches brought to us by this week's tabloids.
"O.J. Murder Knife Found!" scrams the 'National Enquirer,' which enterprisingly searched the grounds of Simpson's former Florida home with a metal detector, and claims to have dug up a blade "nearly 4 inches long" buried under two feet of earth near the perimeter of the two-acre property.
The 'Enquirer' shouldn't need reminding that Los Angeles County chief medical examiner Dr. Lakshmanan Sathyavagiswaran told the trial jury that Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman were killed in 1994 with a weapon believed to be "about six inches long." Not what the 'Enquirer' dug up. End of story. Put it back in the ground.
Is Obama engaged in a "Secret Plot to Steal Back White House," as the grammatically-challenged 'Enquirer' claims? An "in-depth National Enquirer investigation" has found that Obama "is working with Dems to undermine Trump." Wow, that must have taken a lot of digging. Who would have thought it? "Obama is grooming Michelle to run for the Democratic Party nomination in 2020," claims the report. How does the 'Enquirer' know that's his aim? "The first step in Obama's plan was moving into a mansion just TWO MILES from the White House so he'd remain close to the D.C. political scene." Brilliant investigative work by the 'Enquirer.' What more proof is needed that Michelle Obama is running in 2020? Buying a home in D.C. is typically considered as good as forming an exploratory committee to run for president.
Did James Dean survive his car crash and fake his own death because his face was horribly disfigured, as the 'National Examiner' claims? No, for two simple reasons: Its photo of the crash scene, showing a victim sprawled on his stomach beside the wreckage, is not of Dean as the 'Examiner' claims, but is clearly his friend Rolf Wutherich, who was a passenger in the Porsche 550 Spyder when it hit another vehicle. And the face in the photo is not "mangled" but looks perfectly intact, making nonsense of the 'Examiner' story even if it had been Dean – which it isn't.
Among this week's dubious tabloid exclusives: "Brad Pitt forced into rehab," according to the 'Enquirer,' though five days at the Casa Del Mar resort in Santa Monica, California, doesn't count as rehab in anyone's book; Melissa McCarthy "regains 93 lbs!" claims the 'Enquirer,' which puts the stars on imaginary scales, while simultaneously declaring that celebrity chef Rachel Ray is "Too Fat For TV" at a reported 277 lbs. Meanwhile the 'Globe' alleges that Prince William's wife Kate at a reported 89 lb is being treated for an "eating disorder," because the British Royal Family religiously gives the tabloids daily updates on its members' fluctuating weights.
"Tom Jones and Priscilla Presley In Love!" screams a 'Globe' headline. Well, that's what happens to celebrities if they're careless enough to sit down for dinner together in Los Angeles. Dinner means romance, if you're a tabloid editor.
"Cocaine Bust Rocks Obama Farewell Bash!" reports the 'Enquirer.' Who was arrested in this bust? Nobody. Evidence of "rampant drug use" was allegedly found by 'Enquirer' reporters at Obama's recent soirée held at the Smithsonian American Art Museum in Washington, D.C. Not that they saw a single person popping a pill or snorting a line. No, they swabbed public bathroom surfaces with drug-detecting wipes, which tested positive – just as traces have been found in drinking water in major U.S. cities, and even in the air. Traces are just that – traces – and they're ubiquitous. Test the grubby dollar bills in the pockets of the grubby 'Enquirer' reporters and they'd most likely test positive for drugs too, since traces of drugs have been found on 90 per cent of US paper money. Traces of cocaine have even been found on toilets in Britain's Houses of Parliament. There's no evidence that anyone at the Obama party was indulging, and there was no "bust" as the 'Enquirer' claims.
'Us' magazine devotes its cover to Melania & Donald Trump's "Separate Lives," promising to explain "why she may never move into the White House." But after delineating their emotionally and geographically distanced relationship, 'Us' fails to deliver on any explanation, other than Melania's statement that son "Barron is the priority for us now."' People' mag gives its cover and seven pages inside to celebrating the life of Mary Tyler Moore, "her triumphs and tragedies." At least Moore looks a darn sight happier on the cover than Melania, who always seems to have a pang of regret laying just beneath her flawless mask of a face.
Fortunately we have the crack investigative team at 'Us' magazine to tell us that Jamie Chung (Who she, Ed?) wore it best, Reba McEntire carries a Sharpie for giving autographs, vitamins and an inspirational Bible verse in her Baggu backpack, and that the stars are just like us: they do yoga, bowl, paint, carry umbrellas, text, surf, and enjoy playground slides. My, haven't the stars been busy this week.
"Vampire skeletons" have been unearthed in Poland, reports the 'Examiner,' which concludes that corpses buried wrapped in chains, some with their heads cut off "to make sure they stayed dead," could only have been because they were the fabled blood-suckers. The bodies, believed buried in the 16th or 17th centuries, "suggest vampires once menaced terrified towns." Sure. What other explanation could possibly make sense? Or maybe their heads were cut off with O.J.'s knife?
Onwards and downwards . . .