You have to admire the insight, investigative prowess and sheer imagination of the tabloids, which this week are brimming with information that few people on earth could possibly know.
It has been widely reported that a Secret Service agent's laptop was stolen from her car, containing blueprints of President Trump's homes. But only the 'National Enquirer' has the inside scoop to reveal the culprit behind the theft: "Terrorists steal laptop."
It's doubtless the same network of impeccable inside sources that allows the 'Globe' to definitively report that a "booze-free" Ben Affleck "packs on 48 lbs," presumably because they have bugged his bathroom scales and know he hasn't gained 47 lbs or 49 lbs – it's exactly 48 lbs. That's how accurate their information is.
The 'Globe' promises veteran actor Michael Caine disclosing: "My Cancer Hell!" And what hell it is! Beneath the headline "Michael Caine, 84, Wrestling Death!" the British star confesses that he tries to eat healthily so that he never gets cancer. Way to wrestle, Michael. "I know my days are numbered," he says. "I'll probably drop dead." And that's a quote that everyone alive could safely say without fear of contradiction. Great reporting.
"Starsky & Hutch Deathbed Reunion!" screams the 'Globe' cover, though the photos of Paul Michael Glaser pushing his former TV co-star David Soul in a wheelchair suggests otherwise. If Glaser was pushing Soul in a Sealy Posturepedic down the street I'd buy the "deathbed reunion," but last time I checked the fact of being in a wheelchair didn't mean you had hours left to live.
Antonio Banderas recently admitted suffering a heart attack, and the 'Enquirer' reports that he has flown to Switzerland for "life-saving treatment." Which doesn't quite explain why he has gone to a clinic known for its cosmetic surgery procedures.
Ellen Degeneres told her TV talk show recently that she drank "two glasses of wine and fell into a door," dislocating a finger – but that's enough for the 'Enquirer' to brand it a "booze binge" and for the 'Globe' to report: "Wino Ellen Needs Rehab Right Now!" You have to look twice to notice the really small print just below the headline, adding the crucial words: "pals fear." Because that's what friends are for in Hollywood: telling the tabloids what nightmares could befall their celebrity BFFs.
"Lady killer O.J. Simpson plans to hook up with monster mom Casey Anthony after he's released from the slammer – because they're perfect for each other!" reports the 'Globe,' in one of those why-didn't-I-think-of-that ideas that springs up at editorial meetings and seems like a really good idea by the time you get to the bar after work, and doesn't require a scintilla of evidence to support, because it's such a great idea. The fact that they've never met or spoken is beside the point.
The 'Globe' also devotes two pages to Princess Diana's death, revealing: "Charles Murder Motive Exposed!" The report explains: "Diana had to die so British would accept his marriage to Hussy Camilla!" Because if they had simply divorced, the public would never have sanctioned Charles' remarrying Camilla Parker-Bowles, it seems to argue. "Divorce wasn't enough." Facts? Who needs them? Not the 'Globe,' which repeats its old assertion that Diana survived her Paris car crash almost 20 years ago and was killed with a poison injection in the ambulance. It falls back on its well-worn unnamed "royal source." My guess is it's the Queen, accepting under-the-table payments of $25 for every story she gives them, since the tabloids reported last year that she was "broke."
'Us' magazine devotes its cover to Keeping Up With The Kardashians' former bit-player and occasional basketball player Lamar Odom, admitting that everything he put ex-wife Khloé Kardashian through "was my fault." And possibly the fault of the hookers. And the many other women he slept with. And the drugs. And booze. And his 12 strokes and two heart attacks. "Secrets I've never told," proclaims the cover, though the world has long known all of this, without Odom ever having to say a word. You have to expect that, Lamar, if the ambulance picks you up at a brothel.
At least it's better than 'People' magazine's feature on TV's 'Suits' actress dating Prince Harry: "Meghan Markle's Untold Story." Which amounts to friends saying that "she's incredibly cool and down-to-earth," and "is a strong advocate for women and girls." If that's the "untold story" (which we've heard a dozen times before) please don't tell us anything more about her.
Fortunately we have 'Us' magazine's intrepid investigative team to tell us that Chrissy Teigen wore it best, rapper Future never eats seafood because "I ain't down with how it smells," actress and Real Housewife of Beverly Hills Lisa Rinna carries Alka-Seltzer for the morning-after-the-night-before, Clorox wipes to clean germs from light switches, and a Kabbalah red string in her Gucci bag, and that the stars are just like us: they drink coffee, carry their luggage, bicycle, and walk their dogs. And the paparazzi are there to make sure we don't miss a moment of it.
The 'National Examiner' devotes two pages to a report that the mythical "Florida skunk ape" may be real, after recent video allegedly shows an unidentified animal lurking behind palmetto branches. It was probably a paparazzo, though the 'Enquirer' would be certain to identify this as a terrorist, and for the 'Examiner' it's evidence of the "legendary figure who haunts the depths of the state's perilous bogs and gives out a horrifying odor."
Hats off to the 'Examiner' for its full page under the headline: "Intuition: Do you have it?" If you didn't see that coming, then you probably don't.
Onwards and downwards . . .
