Kim Kardashian's bubble butt is going to explode, Aretha Franklin is "too fat to live," Playboy magnate Hugh Hefner is "days from death," and Kirstie Alley "sacrifices infant to cult," according to this week's 'National Enquirer.'
Who needs facts when we have the tabloids? Though it's hard to fault the 'Enquirer' cover branding former Fox TV's Bill O'Reilly a "liar & perv."
But let's consider the facts, or lack of them . . .
Allie is a Scientologist, but carrying her baby grandson to a street barbecue in Clearwater, Florida, does not constitute sacrificing him, nor serving him up at a feast.
Let's start the clock on Hefner's death watch - remember, we're still waiting for Nick Nolte to pop his clogs after the 'Globe' gave him "four weeks to live" almost a year ago.
Is Kardashian's derriere "going to burst" as the 'Enquirer' claims? She hasn't been studied by surgeons, but a medical analysis expert who claims to diagnose disease by listening to a patient's voice, has concluded that the reality TV star "is battling an incurable disease - that could lead to her lower limbs exploding in a bloated mass of fat."
And speaking of a bloated mass of fat, is it really news that ill O'Reilly is a "liar and perv"? After millions in payouts to sexual harassment accusers, that point seems moot.
Soul queen Aretha has reportedly lost 102 pounds, "but it's not enough!" laments the caring, compassionate 'Enquirer,' which claims she must lose more weight "if she wanted to survive." (Why the past tense, I wonder? She's still alive, still dieting, as far as I can tell.)
Meanwhile Johnny Depp has reportedly lost 35 pounds, and is "wasting away" according to the 'Globe,' which is happy to speculate wildly that "the party-hearty silver screen pirate has suffered liver damage - or cancer!" Because why would the 'Globe' believe Depp's reps when they say he's slimming down for his new film role?
JFK's daughter Caroline Kennedy is "losing her mind" and wanders New York city "looking like a dazed bag lady," claims the 'Globe.' She evidently made the mistake of stepping out in designer leggings and shirt looking like she was heading home from the gym with her hair askew - and that's certifiable madness when you know the paparazzi are lurking. The 'Enquirer' adds that Kennedy walks the streets "muttering to herself." That's what's known to the rest of New York as talking on your smartphone.
Singer Janet Jackson is a "baby scamster" claims the 'Globe,' apparently coining a new word because "scammer" just doesn't sound perky enough. The grammatically-challenged report suggests that her "newborn boy isn't 50-year-old singer's biological child," because her baby doesn't appear as dark-skinned as Janet. Their source for this scoop? Social media trolls who rant: "Who is she kidding? That baby is white!" It's good to see the 'Globe' actually finding a reliable source, for a change.
The 'Globe' continues its astonishing run of fact-challenged exclusive stories from inside Buckingham Palace, with a report that the Queen "is determined to destroy her murderous son, Prince Charles, and his evil wife Camilla - so they can never inherit the throne." Evidently Her Royal Highness "has secretly ordered investigators" to prove that "Charles' marriage to Camilla is illegal." Good luck with that. Even if the marriage was illegal, Charles is still next in line for the throne, and it would be the work of minutes to legally marry Camilla at a register office.
Fortunately we have the intrepid investigative team at 'Us' magazine to tell us that Selena Gomez wore it best, Eva Longoria loves tacos, 'Good Morning America' personality Ginger Zee (who really should live by the Zuiderzee beside the North Sea) carries a thong, briefs and Spanx in her Kate Spade purse because "the most uncomfortable thing is having the wrong undergarment," and that the stars are just like us: they push shopping carts, take their coffee to go, and buy bouquets of flowers. Because the stars are really boring when they're not repeating lines written for them by others.
"What Really Happened on the Plane," proclaims the 'Us' magazine cover, expecting its celebucated readers to know that "the plane" is the fateful flight taken by Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt that ended with the couple filing for divorce. This is notable because the headline isn't followed by a question mark. It's a declaratory statement: 'Us' mag actually believes it knows what went down, for a change. So . . . what happened? 'Us' claims that Brad got drunk, Angelina took the kids and split. Which is the story we've been hearing for months. But now that 'Us' tells us "the untold story" we can all breath easy.
'People' magazine devotes its cover to delving "Inside the Life of a Little Princess." That would be Princess Charlotte, the two-year-old daughter of Prince William and wife Kate, so she hasn't had a chance to get drunkenly belligerent on a Royal flight, wander city streets muttering to herself, or to lose 103 pounds - which admittedly could prove challenging to the toddler. But if she starts talking to an imaginary friend, I'm sure the 'Enquirer' will faithfully tell us that Princess Charlotte is "losing her mind."
Thankfully our long national nightmare of the soul is over, and Kelly Ripa has found a permanent co-host in Ryan Seacrest, which merits three vacuous pages in 'People.' Ripa reportedly tried working alongside 67 celebrity guests hosts over the past year, and even Ryan Seacrest admits: "I would watch the other cohosts and be like, 'Darn it, they're really good. Maybe everyone can do my job.'" That should be a life-changing realization for Seacrest . . . but I doubt it.
We have to turn to the 'National Examiner' for this week's real news: "giants with scaly skin" built an ancient rock wall across California's Diablo Range "after their Pacific continent of Mu was destroyed;" Albert Einstein said that energy cannot be created or destroyed, "proving ghosts are possible;" and the White House is haunted by the ghosts of Abigail Adams, Dolly Madison, and Abraham Lincoln. No wonder Melania Trump is reluctant to live there - or perhaps she's just scared of the ghoul in the Oval Office?
Onwards and downwards . . .