It's yet another fun-filled, fact-challenged week in the tabloids.
Hillary Clinton and Huma Abedin have been "caught fleeing the country," FBI files expose Debbie Reynolds' "secret gay life," and singer Cher needs a liver transplant "in order to cheat death!" according to the 'Globe.'
"The shocking photo proof!" screams the Globe cover, beside a snap of Hillary and her aide descending an aircraft stairway, reportedly about to flee to Bahrain amid the Benghazi scandal.
But the photo was actually taken at Van Nuys airport, California, on August 22, 2016, as the duo arrived in Los Angeles to attend a taping of 'Jimmy Kimmel Live.' I'm pretty sure that if you're flying from Washington, D.C. that Bahrain is in the opposite direction.
More bizarre, the 'Globe' ran this same story back in February, claiming that Hillary was caught trying to flee America to avoid indictment by a grand jury. But this week's cover now has photographic "proof" – of Hillary landing in Van Nuys.
Great investigative work, guys.
Debbie Reynolds' "secret gay life" amounts to one alleged entry in her FBI files, reportedly claiming that an unnamed informant told investigators that her ex-husband Eddie Fisher was homosexual, and Reynolds "engaged in both normal and homosexual relations." What more proof could one ask? Perhaps a photo of Reynolds arriving at Van Nuys airport might clinch the deal?
And does Cher need a liver transplant? The tabloids love to find a "top doctor" who has not treated the stars to offer a diagnosis based on photos, but the 'Globe' now has its new toy: the Institute of BioAcoustic Biology, which claims it can diagnose ailments by analyzing a patient's voice. Just listening to recordings of Cher, the experts can tell she "is being ravaged by a mysterious liver disorder and desperately may need a transplant." I expect her flight to land at Van Nuys airport any minute now.
What do Bill Cosby, Michelle Obama, Dolly Parton, Sharon Stone and Faye Dunaway have in common?
None of them have been treated by New Jersey plastic surgeon Dr. Lyle Back, who has nonetheless commented critically in recent months on all of their alleged cosmetic procedures, which he diagnoses at vast distances for the 'National Enquirer.'
He's also turned his scalpel-like eye on Meg Ryan, David Hasselhoff, Daryl Hannah, Olivia Newton-John, Bethenny Frankel and Renée Zellweger for the magazine.
And this week he's featured in no less than three 'Enquirer' stories, revealing that Caitlyn Jenner's face is "falling apart," Melanie Griffiths' looks are "gone for good," and that Tori Spelling's "Frankenface" is "starting to unravel." All according to this "top plastic surgeon" who, we are assured, "has not treated" any of these stars. Perhaps because he's too busy critiquing them?
"Drugs, gay sex, lies & intimidation" at Fox News are the surprising target of attack on the cover of this week's Trump lapdog the 'Enquirer,' promising to expose 'What They're Still Hiding!"
Beneath the headline "Fox News' Secret Web of Sin!" the 'Enquirer' unveils the "chilling truth about racism, drugs, sex, wiretaps, payoffs, lies and evil dirty tricks" at the Trump-loving network. It goes beyond the sexual harassment payoffs made on behalf of Roger Ailes and Bill O'Reilly, pulling together old dirt with fresh innuendo and gossip. Would the 'Enquirer' have attacked Fox News without White House approval, I wonder? Could this signal a new level of paranoid isolationism from the Oval Office?
We also have the 'Enquirer' reveal the "real reason behind Comey's FBI firing!" Trump brilliantly "short-circuited a plan by the intelligence community to seize control of the White House – and the country!" An unnamed insider tells the magazine: "The American people owe President Trump a huge debt of gratitude for not allowing a rogue intelligence community to usurp our democracy." Yes! We should all thank President Trump for preserving our democratic way of life from autocratic tyrants. Where would we be without him? Flying in to Van Nuys airport, is my guess.
Thankfully we have the intrepid investigative team at 'Us' magazine to tell us that Chrissy Teigen wore it best, Jeffrey Tambor loves baking bread, Madchen Amick carries lavender oil, a bead necklace and Crest toothpaste in her vintage handbag, and that the stars are just like us: they drink, eat, catch cabs and carry groceries. What exciting lives they must lead!
'Us' magazine devotes its cover to Katie Holmes and Jamie Foxx's romantic "Secret Paris Getaway!" Calling them "the most private couple in Hollywood," the magazine finds that it can't penetrate into their privacy, as the duo travel in cars with tinted windows, take secret back elevators, and dine in private rooms at restaurants.
In short, the magazine confirmed that the duo were in Paris together, and little more. It's the kind of ground-breaking journalism we've come to expect from 'Us.'
'People' magazine brings us 'The Obamas' beaming from the cover like the stars of a new reality TV series, promising to reveal the delights of "their lives now." And their lives sound an awful lot like reality TV fodder: The Obamas are traveling to exotic locations, exposing flesh while indulging in watersports, are writing their memoirs – allegedly for a combined $60 million – and are trying to figure out how to work the coffee machine. Ex-Presidents: They're Just Like Us!.
Fortunately we have the 'National Examiner' to tell us that "Pets do go to heaven!" and how to "develop your psychic power." A hint: wear loose, comfortable clothing, dim the lights, clear your mind and say a prayer. There's even a helpful warning: "Psychic work should never be undertaken when you are angry or under the influence of drugs or alcohol." But where's the fun in that?
Of course, it's the 'Examiner' that tells us that Neanderthals came to America 100,000 years before previously thought, and are the "missing link" to the "elusive Bigfoot." If only big feet meant little hands, there may be an explanation for the Neanderthal in the Oval Office.
Onwards and downwards . . .