It's another week of weighty issues in the tabloids, with heavy politics and underweight celebrities hogging the headlines.
"Bag of bones Angelina Jolie" is an anorexic 91 pounds and must "rehab or die!" proclaims the 'Globe,' only three weeks after stablemate the 'National Enquirer' reported that the actress "looks healthier than she has in months" and had "regained an estimated 53 pounds."
The 'Globe' squad of fun-fair midway-trained "Guess Your Weight" experts also report "99-lb Lisa Marie Presley Dying!" as "friends fear she's killing herself with drugs." Because in Hollywood friends live in constant fear for their celebrity pals.
Singer Tony Bennett "has 5 weeks to live . . . friends fear," reports the 'Globe.' Evidently he's too weak to snap his fingers as he sings, which "pals fear" means the end is near. Or maybe at 90 the crooner simply has a touch of arthritis?
Another singer, Jessica Simpson, has gained a little weight, and her modest stomach paunch prompts the 'Enquirer' to report that she is "pregnant to save marriage!" Or maybe she's just eaten too many Burger King Double Whoppers? The magazine even found a New York doctor to say that based on a couple of photos "she certainly looks at least three months along" – a time at which most women are barely showing.
Heavyweight politics dominates the 'Enquirer,' which devotes two pages to former FBI director James Comey: "A Victim – Or A Villain?" Former White House advisor Dick Morris answers that question for the 'Enquirer,' in his column: "Why Prez Had to Fire FBI Boss." The reason? Comey allegedly sealed his own fate when he passed to Obama the spy dossier containing allegations of Trump's link to golden showers with Russian hookers. "He even had the gall to brief Trump on what was in it," says Morris, scorning Comey's professional courtesy. Sure, kill the messenger.
'Us' magazine devotes endless pages to Hollywood's "Best Bodies" and how to get them, with workout and diet tips from Julianne Hough, Kate Hudson, et al, in a traditional display of unattainable genetically-blessed improbably honed and toned bodies.
'People' mag brings us its own real-life "weight loss triumphs" with four graduates of the reality TV series 'My 600-lb Life' revealing how they each lost hundreds of pounds. Then the magazine helpfully offers a recipe for "orange-glazed baby back ribs" which look perfect for gaining all that weight back.
Of course there's plenty of lightweight celebrity news too, much of it fed a virtually fact-free diet.
Paris Jackson "adopts her baby brother" claims the 'Enquirer,' of Michael Jackson's youngest son Blanket, though of course she has not adopted him, and at 19 is highly unlikely to adopt her 15-year-old sibling while he is under the supervision of a court and trustees, in the care of their grandmother, aided by three housekeepers and a chef. Incidentally, 'People' reports that Blanket was so unhappy with his name and the bullying it attracted, that he changed his monicker in 2015 to something less provocative . . . Bigi. I kid you not.
I hate to come to the defense of beleaguered alleged sex fiend Bill Cosby, but the 'Enquirer' claims that he is "faking blindness," enlisting "a nationally recognized forensic expert" to conclude that photos of him getting into a car clearly show him looking at the door.
I can't imagine why the 'Enquirer' didn't employ its customary team of psychics, fearful friends and doctors who have never seen the patient to diagnose Cosby, but they seem to ignore the fact that he is "legally blind," which can mean that he is unable to read or drive, yet may still have limited peripheral vision giving him a blurry view of the world. Even if Cosby is lying, it's hard to imagine making a forensic diagnosis of that based on a few photographs.
Princess Diana's former lover James Hewitt, clinging to life following a major heart attack and stroke, is taking his "secrets . . . to the grave," reports the 'Globe.' Or you could believe the 'National Examiner' report that Hewitt, despite fighting for his life, "is poised to spill shocking secrets of their lengthy affair from his deathbed" in a "tell-all book." Perhaps banking on Hewitt not surviving his ordeal, the 'Examiner' gleefully reveals secrets from this as-yet-unwritten memoir, claiming: "Charles Paid Hewitt to be Diana's Lover!" Courtesy of their squad of psychic book reviewers, no doubt.
Fortunately we have the investigative team at 'Us' magazine to tell us that Jennifer Lopez wore it best, actress Katey Sagal wishes that she could paint, Melissa Rycroft keeps Animal Crackers, baby wipes and hair scrunchies in her Louis Vuitton bag, and that the stars are just like us: they bicycle, eat, drink, and shop. And paparazzi are there to chronicle every magical moment.
'Us' and 'People' both bring us more photographs than we could possibly want of the semi-Royal wedding of the year, when the Duchess of Cambridge's sister Pippa Middleton tied the knot with a slew of British royalty in attendance. The vacuity of celebrity coverage at its best.
The 'Examiner' yet again brings us the biggest news of the week: "Killer Bug Threatens to Wipe Out the World!" but understandably relegates this earth-shattering revelation to page 40, because readers will certainly be more concerned with a "Dog & Duck's Quacky Friendship!" and "how Goldie & Kurt keep the passion alive!"
Onwards and downwards . . .