If the ads in the 'National Enquirer' are any indiction, its readers are overweight Elvis and KISS fans with hairy legs, have drug addicted kids, can't get into their bathtubs unaided, are afraid of falling over and not getting up, and collect statues of the Virgin Mary, Donald Trump and the Wicked Witch of the West.
Judging by the number of weight loss ads, I'm guessing they'll swallow anything – even what passes for news in this week's fact-challenged tabloids.
"Megyn Kelly: What She's Hiding!" screams the cover of the 'Enquirer,' claiming to reveal her "criminal past & bitter divorce!" But she's not hiding either. The former Fox News anchor confessed on air back in 2011 to shoplifting at Kmart when she was 12 years old, when her mother made her take purloined earrings back to the store and apologize to the manager. And how is she "hiding" her divorce, when it's in public court records and has been widely reported? She has also undergone a "$1.4 million plastic surgery transformation" claims the 'Enquirer,' based on an "expert" who believes she has had a boob job, nose job, and facial fillers. I haven't done the math, but I suspect she'd have to have those same procedures every month for four years to rack up that sort of medical bill. Evidently quitting Fox for NBC has made it open season on Kelly.
Pamela Anderson, meanwhile, has had her face "destroyed by plastic surgery," claims the 'Enquirer,' despite looking as beautiful as ever.
The 'Enquirer' also claims that Val Kilmer is suffering a "new cancer horror," which turns out to be based on the fact that because he once had cancer, he could get it again. Horror indeed.
Beleaguered comedian Bill Cosby "has been found guilty" by a jury in his sex assault trial, reports the 'Enquirer.' Except there has been no trial: it's just a "jury" of 12 random folk questioned by the 'Enquirer,' without hearing all the evidence. What could be more fair and balanced than that?
Based on "expert" assessments by doctors who have never seen the patients, the 'Enquirer' also reports that Tom Cruise has been getting hair plugs, Eva Longoria has gained 40 lbs, and Jennifer Lopez is trying for a baby with A-Rod (you can tell just by looking at them.)
On the political front, the 'Enquirer' claims that fired FBI chief James Comey "obstructed justice" by killing a probe into "Obama wiretaps on Trump." This dubious story is based on tenuous allegations by former NSA tech Dennis Montgomery, whose former attorney called him a "con artist" and "habitual liar engaged in fraud," and is promulgated by his current attorney Larry Klayman, whose anti-Islamic neocon Freedom Watch advocacy group was a long-running antagonist to presidents Clinton and Obama. Seems like a reliable source to me.
The 'Globe' devotes its cover to a story it has told many times before over the past decade: a pregnant Princess Diana was allegedly killed by Britain's MI6 spy agency and SAS special forces acting on the orders of Prince Charles. The 'Globe' conveniently ignores the fact that Britain's Royal Family has no control over spy agencies or the military, and Prince Charles has control over less than anyone. But Princess Diana continues to sell magazines, so she's back on the cover.
"New Boobs for Cougar Susan" reads the headline over a photo of Susan Sarandon looking voluptuous – as she has in almost every photo for the past 30 years. She looks the same as ever, but a "top cosmetic surgeon" is wheeled out to suggest that she "appears to have had breast enhancement." Why do the tabloids never bring out a "women's underwear expert" to opine: "She appears to have bought a new push-up bra," I wonder?
The favorite new toy at the 'Globe' continues to be BioAcoustic Biology's purported ability to diagnose illnesses just by listening to a patient's voice, this week determining that Bill Cosby has "brain damage." Or perhaps he's just been reading too many tabloids.
'Us' magazine reveals how singer Pink "Saved her Marriage" (take breaks and persevere) while 'People' magazine reveals Jennifer Garner's "Life After Heartbreak" (she's moving on, working, and "seems happy," says a friend. Well, don't we all?)
Fortunately we have the investigative team at 'Us' to tell us that Elizabeth Olsen wore it best, Jamie Chung (Who she, Ed?) has a phobia for "hairy spiders," Danay Garcia carries granola, headphones and Ferrero Rocher chocolates in her Moleskine bag, and that the stars are just like us: they shop, eat ice cream, take cabs, fish and surf.
The 'National Examiner' brings us John Wayne's granddaughter revealing "The John Wayne you never knew," which is certainly true if you never actually met the actor. I think we could all have guessed that his granddaughter would say that Wayne "was really an old softie and devoted family man." But the two-page feature loses a little of its impact when you learn in the final paragraph that Wayne's granddaughter Annie is aged 30, meaning that she was born eight years after the Duke died – and she never knew him either.
As for those 'Enquirer' ads, the Virgin Mary statuette will set you back almost $60, while the Wicked Witch is a hefty $140, though to be fair that includes a flying monkey. But for a mere $50 you can get Trump – like the Wicked Witch with his right arm raised in triumph, a disturbing smile on his face, and his hands looking smaller than ever – but without the flying monkey. No doubt those qualify as undesirable immigrants on Trump's no-fly list.
Onwards and downwards . . .