Supermarket tabloids have given us aliens in the White House, Bat Boy, Elvis lives, and the first photos of heaven, but I never thought I’d read this stunning sentence . . .
“In May, a new ferry service began moving up to 200 passengers and 1,000 tons of cargo every month between North Korea and the Russian port of Vladivostok.”
What the hell is happening at the ‘National Enquirer?’ They’ve gone so deep into Donald Trump’s corner that its readers who crave titilating details of celebrity scandal are being fed a weekly diet of Trumped-up propaganda, which this week brings us a cover story and three pages on “Trump’s secret plan to defeat North Korea’s Doomsday machine.”
America is evidently under siege by North Korea’s escalating nuclear weapons program, and “Donald
Trump has taken bold and extraordinary steps to ensure America survives the siege and emerges with total victory!”
That sounds like something that Kim Jong-un’s propaganda machine might churn out, but it’s here in the ‘Enquirer,’ which laboriously details tanker movements between North Korea and Russia, reporting: “It could be oil - or something much more sinister.” Maybe they’re shipping old copies of the ‘Enquirer’ to North Korea - what could be more sinister that that?
At least it’s not all geopolitics in this week’s tabloids.
Kim Kardashian has been allegedly “caught on drug video” claims the ‘Enquirer,’ though since it was filmed in 2003, that’s neither new or shocking. Dubious reporting abounds in the ‘Enquirer,’ which claims that Natalie Wood “was raped before her death!” The mag explains that a rape kit may have been used during the actress’s autopsy, but no results were ever released. But since when is using a rape kit proof that anyone was actually raped? Hearsay and conjecture: the ingredients for any good tabloid story.
The ‘Enquirer’ fails again when exposing Michael Jackson’s “kiddie nude stash.” But it’s not Jacko's promised treasure trove of child porn. Rather it’s a copy of an old magazine with the titles of nudist DVDs circled - a magazine found among "documents of Michael’s management team.” So the 1999 mag could have belonged to one of many people, not just Jackson. And the videos, while showing nudist families, were not pornographic. But why let the facts get in the way of a good story?
The ‘Globe’ maintains these high journalistic standards with its cover story claiming that child beauty pageant veteran JonBenet Ramsey's murder has been "finally solved!” Ignoring past ‘Globe’ stories that have repeatedly “solved” JonBenet’s murder by naming convict John Mark Karr as her self-confessed killer, the magazine now claims that convicted sex attacker Keith Schwinaman is her real killer. The “new evidence”? Evidently Schwinaman’s plea deal ensured that he could not be forced to submit his DNA to see if he committed other crimes.
He’s clearly hiding something . . . therefore he’s JonBenet’s killer! It seems obvious, doesn’t it? When has the ‘Globe’ ever been wrong before? (Hint - ask John Mark Karr.)
“Queen names William King!” screams the ‘National Examiner’ cover headline, scooping all of Fleet Street and the world’s press with this “Royal Shocker!” The Queen has reportedly axed son Charles from succeeding to the throne over his “$250 million divorce.” Only two small problems with these stories: Charles and Camilla haven't filed for divorce, and Charles is still heir to the British throne. I know, picky, picky . . .
‘Dancing With the Stars’ nuptials dominate the glossies this week: Julianne Hough’s “dream wedding” occupies the cover and seven pages of
‘People’ magazine, while fellow cast-mate Maksim Chemerkovsky’s wedding to DWTS dancer Peta Murgatroyd takes the cover and six pages of ‘Us’ magazine. “The dresses! The dancing! The ring-bearer dogs!” raves ‘People.’ “The ring, the dress, the afterparty!” rejoices ‘Us.’ What, no ring-bearer dogs for Maks and Peta? Couldn’t they all have saved a fortune and had a double wedding?
Blac Chyna tells ‘Us’ mag “my side of the story” in her break-up with Rob Kardashian, the least interesting member of a self-aggrandizing family whose lives are fabricated for the cameras. She reveals next to nothing, proclaiming “I’m taking a classier route.” But where’s the fun in that? And she fails to answer the question on everyones’ lips: Why can’t she figure out how to spell Black China?
Fortunately we have the crack investigative team at ‘Us’ magazine to tell us that Vanessa Hudgens wore it best (and still looked terrible), that Fred Savage’s favorite place in the world is his backyard, Real Housewives of New York City newcomer Tinsley Mortimer carries hairspray, sunglasses and tanning cream in her L.L. Bean tote, and that the stars are just like us: they bicycle, eat fruit, and shop at drugstores. Shocking!
Rescuing us from dreary details of Russian-Korean trade, the ‘Examiner’ tries to return tabloids to their former glory with news that “Dead Aliens Seen at Roswell Crash Site!” Better yet, the ‘Examiner’ reveals that “UFOs destroyed our nukes!”
Apparently ten ICBMs were mysteriously switched to “off-alert” and could not be launched, after UFOs floated above a U.S. military base in Minot, North Dakota, in 1966. It seems a long time for such a revelation to be revealed, but witnesses were reportedly “instructed to keep silent.” Thank goodness someone was finally brave enough to reveal the truth.
Onwards and downwards . . .